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October, 2009 Hi, I was reading this article and realized I was doing this to my wife. I do not know how to communicate well mainly due to my child hood exposure to abuse and my dad didn't set a very good example. I was exposed to this early on in my marriage and didn't know how to handle it. I retaliated with likewise behavior. That didn't solve anything. I have been trying to analyze and understand what went wrong. Now I know and will use the principles to better my marriage. Thankyou so much. Dan FREE Web -Based Verbal Abuse Tutorial is a an educational tool designed to give you clear and practical information on this issue. The tutorial is FREE and is moderated by Dr. Marshall and Shelly Marshall. The Email Trail of Self-Help: Stopping Abusive Relationships is a walk through the lives of four women as they learn what abuse is and how to stop it. It is a web-based book. FREE The Articles on Abuse are written by the hosts of this site and some special friends. They are designed to give you more of an indepth look at yourself and the issues we face. And don't forget to check out Resource Links as well as the FAQ. *****Send
This Page To A Friend***** They shouldn’t be taking it out on us and we shouldn’t be taking it in | Introduction
to this site You are not a victim What this site can do for you What this site cannot do for you Readers comments
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| Finding out I married a flasher wasn't my finest moment, yet it did eventually lead to the creation of this web site. That day in April 2003 was the beginning and the end of many things. It was the beginning of understanding why my husband, Bob, had been so unhappy, mean, and hostile with me throughout our brief marriage. It was the beginning of understanding why I stayed for more than 15 minutes of his nasty abuse and self-absorbed life-style. And just as that discovery marked the beginning of my understanding of domestic abuse and how I contributed to it; it also marked the end of my marriage. Not that I would have ever given up on the marriage. I would have been beating that dead horse of a marriage until the maggot infested carcass rotted away. But when Bob realized that I wouldn't take the blame or the abuse one second longer, his hostility escalated, verging on violence and had he continued, would have been imprisoned. My husband demanded the divorce. His obsessions with himself overshadowed any desire he ever had to make a marriage, work on his abuse issues, or commit to true intimacy. Chances are if you come to this web site, you suspect that your partner, whether male or female, is abusing you in some manner like my ex had abused me. Thank God the awareness about verbal, mental, emotional, and sexual abusiveness in
That was the old days. "Victim" means you have no choice. "Victim" means you are powerless in the situation. "Victim" means that others have to help you because you can't help yourself. "Victim" means you're weak. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM no matter what anyone--your friends, therapists, or mother--tell you You are not a survivor either. You are a TARGET and you can stop it today. No one has to stand still for target practice. Yes, you may have been hurt by someone's anger, unhappiness, lies, accusations, and mind games, but "victim?" No longer. Never again. Get it out of your consciousness. Victims survive. Victor's win. You are not going to survive anything, you are going to WIN.
What this site can do for you
What this site can not do for you
Contacting Us We may be interested in sharing your comments or story on this site. All correspondence becomes the property of the owner of this site. We do not change the names to protect the guilty, but you may want to, especially if you might be the target of retaliation or you have kids you are protecting. We may also change the names for liability reasons. When you write in, give us a name for you (doesn't have to be your real name), an email address where we can reach you, and your city and state. Emails without a legitimate email return address will be deleted without being read. Email us: Readers Comments: COMMENTS April, 2009 Dear Shelly, WOW. The tutorial was very informative. I am glad that I read it... for reasons too numerous to list. Glad that you included the links, but most of all actions. I have the site bookmarked and will share it with others. Wishing you a peaceful and fulfilling day, M JULY 28, 2008 Comments I checked to see if your site was still here tonight. It's been over 2 years since I used this place to learn and finally know that what my husband was doing to me was NOT RIGHT. After 10 years of marriage, I knew that I had to leave for my own mental health and so my son would not repeat the pattern of his father.November's Comment Time spent in an abusive relationship steals from us the ability to look for real love.We’re so busy trying to figure out what is wrong and how to make it right that the wonderful people who might love us for who we are and not how they can control and destroy us never get a chance.--Susan Octobers's Comment 2008 This was truly amazing! I hadn't realized how I had let every kind of abuse creep into my 20 year marriage. I see now that it's me allowing these things to continue and that the more I show him my love for him, the more I'm giving my blessing to this increasingly cruel nonsense! No more. Thankyou so much for helping me see beyond the "episodes" that, thru my denial and fear have become an expected part of my daily life. I have a long way to go... but I feel FREE already! September's comment 2008: Already you have helped me by saying, "You are a target, not a victim". All the professional help I've received so far either a/ just says that I'm an accomplice in the role playing or b/ that I'm in a terrible situation, a victim, what can be done?... So I like your way of perceiving it. And believe me, I really need any help I can get (verbal abuse for over quarter of a century). Best wishes, CC June's Comment 2008 I am a living, moving target. I stand strong and know when to move out of the way, with my dignity and respect. I want to remain out of codependency and would like your tutorial as a resource for myself, so I will be firm in stopping verbal abuse in my relationships. Have a great day! J March's Comment 2008 I recently realized that I had been in an abusive relationship for the past 10 years. I ended it as soon as I was willing to face the truth: I did not deserve his verbal abuse. In addition, I have entered friendships with people who have also been abusive, controlling etc. Consequently, I felt bad, insecure, and anxious when I was around them; but, I did not know why I did. I don't want to be "the victim" anymore. I want to begin a fresh, healthy life and learn from past mistakes. Essentially, I want to move on without the feeling of being "had". ~JT December's comment 2007. I prayed for help in this form and I believe my prayer has been answered. I recongize the fact that in allowing this abuse for almost 30 years, something must change with me before anything else will change. ~SC Oct 2007: Having read through your site, I feel like a patient who has been to doctor after doctor with a problem and has never had a diagnosis. While reading I keep saying to myself, " Yes he does that" and "he has done that in the past" When one tactic of his no longer works, he goes on to something else.I know thatthat the only way I can have peace in my life is to leave and I am working on that. Thank you you have been a big help and will continue to be. ~Heather From Yahoo Email March 2, 2006 I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years before I have the strength to leave. I have been single and free from him for a year and a half. I still have no friends male or female and as much as I want a man in my life I am hesiate to allow myself to feel anything for fear I will let my guard down and be emotionally tortured once again. Salina From Australia May 12, 2006 Thanks Shelly, I've done so much work on myself and am at the stage where I can see it for what it is - don't want it, refuse to accept it - yet with kids involved there is way too much contact. What he did to me is now happening to my children 12, 8 and 7. I have said that unless his behavior improves and he stops, then not only will I oppose his extra access I will move to reduce his access. That's my hell. "C" Orange County California: August 10, 2006: Thank you so much for your web site! I married and divorced three abusers before I finally figured out that I needed to work on MYSELF! I have been leading a verbal abuse support group for 7 years now. It is a real blessing that my experiences can be of benefit to other women who are verbally abused. I am writing to see if you can list my support group on your web site? It is free. Debbie R. (Note: we listed her support group on our new Support Group page.) From Canada August 21, 2006: I found this tutorial very helpful. I have been married for 36 years for which I worked during most of it and we raised two daughters. Both recently married and successful in their careers. I have for a long time suspected that I was in a verbally abusive relationship. I am sure I was not only very busy but also in denial. Probably mis-handled things all along. It is a cycle....things go well and I actually believe he is really trying to keep the marriage together and then bang... more angry screaming rages. In past years he has been abusing alcohol...a problem never before in our marriage. He is a good man in every way except his relationship with me. Our friends would never guess. Communication is a big issue....he will not discuss anything ...especially not how he is feeling. I wish to try to work issues out. From Europe: Sept 15, 2006 Just surfing on the net, I discovered your website and I found it great. I have been married to a total narcissist and emotional abusive husband for over 10 years. He is from the USA, and I am from Europe, so I probably can take some blame for the starting years on the marriage. I was leaving in a different country, without my family and without real knowledge on how things were done “normally” over there. We move after quite a few finantial fiascos in the States, to start over and live our lifes. Things have not changed much, and he is the controlling, bad-talking, never pleased person. We got two georgeous kids, whom never really spend “quality” time with their dad, because he is too busy doing his own things (that being playing video games, on the internet and I am afraid to say “smoking pot”). I had known for a while now that things are totally off hand, and that we have created a dysfunctional family. But now I am really ready to stop with all of the abuse. I already started my “own appreciate myself session”, and I am not taking any more commentaries off hand, and blame for “everything”, and negative criticism. But I know that I need help in order to continue down this road… which is a pretty hard one. Therefore, I really appreciate your input and help in getting control over my life and my own person. . |
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I found this site doing research for my husband. I want to get a divorce, but he wants to work to save our marriage, which explains why I'm online reading about ending abuse while he's upstairs playing
football on his Xbox.
Does this make sense at all outside of his universe? -Nell
Eventually attended a class at the Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence and learned about "my contribution" to all of it. At first it was hard to listen to. But, unlike any therapist I had in the past, the lady who taught the class got through to me. *I* had some changing to do!
After having 3 bad marriages, I have realized that all these feminist groups and victim advocacy groups have no real ability to change a victims life. Only the victim can do that!
Diane, Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site