Please review each question
and compare the answers you gave with the right ones. the mor e you got
right, the best you understand what the types of abuse are and also
what the the tactics are that abusers use with their targets.
Each of your incorrect answers will show you where you need to review
the types. If you ahve any questions, please write to the hosts and we
willdo our best to answer your questions. We may even use them inthe
FAQ section.
Please read the Email
Trail
if you want to get an idea of how we came to understand abuse in our
relationships.
Cycles of Abuse: this is an
outline and shows the "previolence" stages which includes verbal abuse.
(off-site)
If you offer them a hand up and they use it to pull you down, you have
to let go.~Shelly
Understanding Abuse Tactics
Quiz
Compare answers and see how many you answered
correctly.
1.
Your partner prefers oral sex over traditional sex and cajoles you into
getting on your knees and gratifying them on a regular basis. Although
you don't mind giving oral sex occasionally, you find yourself doing it
more than you'd like and you especially don't like being forced on your
knees like a sexual slave. This is considered:
a)
Verbal abuse because it is an oral activity.
b) Sexual abuse because of the pattern of pressuring you into an
uncomfortable sexual activity
c) Economic abuse because they threaten to pay prostitutes if you don't
comply
d) None of the above because you are married and should be glad to make
your partner happy
The correct answer
is:
b) Sexual abuse because of the pattern of pressuring you into an
uncomfortable sexual activity.
Explanation: This
answer is self-explanatory yet many women do not understand they do not
have to perform sexual activities to please their partner if they don't
like it. A clear example comes from Susie, a woman we
worked with. Her
boyfriend was always telling her to give him a blow job and "suck my
c**k," while sticking his member in her face. Yet he seldom
satisfied her as he was always too busy. Susie was
trying to be a good partner but really felt that her partner was
abusing her by
being the only one to be satisfied. Finally, when she had enough, Susie
went to him and wrote a check from her account. She threw it at him,
"What do I have to do to? Buy it? Here's $50. Now it's my turn." Her
partner did
not return the favor and, in fact, left her.
It appeared that in
order to stay in that relationship Susie would have to give him
oral sex on demand and never expect anything in return. Was she happy
that he left? Not particularly, but she garnered enough self respect
not to settle for a one-sided sexual relationship. Once a
target stops
letting abusive partners abuse, and demand respect, the partners
worth keeping make an effort to improve. They begin treating their
mates with respect. The abusers that can't, or won't change,
usually end up leaving the relationship anyway. This is because if you
won't let them, abusers don't get the
payoff in controlling and hurting you. So an abused spouse or partner
doesn't have to leave the relationship to make things right. When you
are in a relationship worth saving, when you improve, your partner will
too. If you are improving and your mate gets worse, you don't have to
leave them, they will usually leave you! Then move on to another, more
vulnerable,
partner.
In Susie's case, her
ex boyfriend moved on to a MAN! She was very grateful that she found
out early in the relationship. She demanded respect and he was unable
to give it. She was the ultimate winner and ended up with a solid
relationship where she was supported and cherished--something that
could not have happened if she had been with the sexual abuser.
2.
When you have extra money to splurge with, it always seems to go to the
things your partner enjoys like supporting his or her hobbies, or
buying
an entertainment set, when you would prefer a romantic getaway.
Even in small things like the movies, you always end up watching what
your partner prefers instead of taking turns. This would be called:
a)
Psychological abuse because they are messing with your mind.
b) Stalking because the family
resources follow them
c) Economic Abuse because family
resources are consistently for one
partner's benefit
d) None of the above because whoever
is more assertive should get their
own way
The correct answer
is:
c) Economic Abuse because family resources are consistently for one
partner's benefit.
Explanation: The partner is controlling the
family finances through self-centeredness and lack of consideration.
Often they will not present it this way. Abusers are fond of doing
things for the "good" of the family like buying expesnive sterio
equipment enstead of an extra car for you or investing thousands
in model airplnes "for the kids" who are sledom allowed to touch
it, or spending all the money on booze, gambling, or drugs
becasue "I work hard for my money." If you work, they often take
your paycheck or welfare check if that is your income. many times they
prefer that their woman not work or if they have to, at very menial
jobs. Sometimes abuser will have the wife handle the finaces and pay
the bills but critisze how you do it and then overspend so you can't
stay ina budget and blame you. There are various tatics used but if you
are being controlled by your partner through money or career, it is
economic abuse.
One of our clients was a business woman, Janette, who refused to let
her husband run her business. She paid her share of the bills while
keeping her business separate. However, all the money they managed to
save together consistently went for large ticket items that he wanted like hunting and fishing
gear, an expensive webber grill (she didn't eat meat), plants and
yard accessories (gardens were his hobby), and recording equipment for
his guitar playing. Anything Janette wanted, he demanded she buy from
her business. When her business made a particularly large profit,
he asked her to buy him a new SUV with the profit which would have been
all the profit. When she suggested they mortgage their house and both
get new vehicles and pay them off together, he belittled her, called
her selfish, said she did not need a vehicle since she worked from
home, etc. Finally he threatened divorce, if she didn't
comply. The upshot was, that she put her foot down. She would no
longer stand for his greed. Janette hired an attorney and had papers
drawn up to protect her finances. At that point her husband did an
about face and was willing to do anything to hold the marriage
together--they went for counseling and he began, however tentatively to
look at his anger and control issues.
3.
Men traditionally have a responsibility to care for the family and so
have to make the big decisions. They expect their wife and children to
obey them for their own good. Men understand the world and its
ways better than women, so they need their wives to defer to their good
judgment. Some cultures consider male privilege to be the natural order
of things, but we call it:
a)
Psychological Abuse because they make a woman feel 'less than" when she
tries to be independent.
b) Spiritual Abuse because men often site the Bible or Koran to support
their authoritanianism.
c) Economic Abuse because they use male privilege to control the
finances.
d) All of the above.
The correct answer is:
d) All of the above.
Explanation: In a muslim country or
religious community in the U.S. this may be acceptable. However,
in the typical American family, the democratic principles of equality
are the rule. Male privelege may be accepted in cults in the US but is
not generally considered an acceptable social practice where we no
longer consider women "less than" as human beings.
4.
You often walk on eggshells around your partner because there are times
when they fly into a rage and tear up the house, break dishes or
destroy your belongings for seemingly no good reason. You try to be
very careful not to provoke these outbursts. This is considered:
a)
Economic Abuse because it costs money to repair the damage.
b) Intimidation because they make you afraid to be yourself and your
home does not feel safe.
c) Psychological Abuse because they rearrange the reality of the room
they tear up.
d) Spiritual Abuse because you keep praying it won't happen again.
The correct answer is:
b) Intimidation because they make you afraid to be yourself and your
home does not feel safe.
5.
You and your mother used to be close but its been harder since you
moved away. In addition, your partner doesn't like your mother
running your life and gets mad whenever you talk to her. Your partner
has pointed out what is wrong with most of your family and doesn't want
their influences on you or the kids, and so demands you spend as little
time
with your relatives as possible. He explains that this is for the good
of the family. We call this:
a)
Reverse Stalking where they make sure there is not unwanted contact
from relatives.
b) Verbal Abuse because your partner is pointing out everyone's faults
c) Isolation because access to your family is being limited on an
ongoing basis
d) None of the above, as this is just typical mother-in-law stuff
The correct answer is:
c) Isolation because access to your family is being limited on an
ongoing basis
6.
When you go to parties or public places your partner always seems to
find someone to flirt with, leaving you by
yourself. If you mention it, they get angry or say you blow things out
of proportion, misinterpret their actions, or call they it "harmless
fun." We call this:
a)
Psychological Abuse because it is a humiliating behavior that makes you
feel bad
b) Stalking because they are following after other possible partners
c) Isolation because they leave you alone at parties
d) Verbal abuse because they talk to other people while ignoring
you
The correct answer is: a)
Psychological Abuse because it is a humiliating behavior that makes you
feel bad
7.
Your partner often accuses you of doing things to destroy the marriage
and will barrage you with questions from "who did you meet at the
grocery store" to "what are you are telling your friends about
me." When you tell them to stop accusing you of things, they say, "I
didn't accuse you of anything, I
only asked a question." They don't feel like innocent questions to
you, they feel like attacks. There seldom is a "right" answer and you
end up paying for infractions. This is called:
a)
Intimidation because they make you afraid to answer questions.
b) Verbal Abuse because they use
words to attack your integrity and
imply that you are disloyal to the marriage.
c) Both A and B
d) Neither A or B
The correct answer is:
c) Both A and B
8.
Although your partner says they support you, when you get a promotion,
earn a degree or do something that you think is important, they refer
to it in an offhand way, if at all. You listen attentively to
what goes on in their life but they seldom seem to reciprocate.
Most conversations revolve around their opinions, preferences, and
interests and yours are left hanging, discounted, or you are told that
you don't know what you are talking about. This is:
a)
Verbal Abuse because they don't talk to you about what you like.
b) Spiritual Abuse because they do not support you as God's child.
c) Isolation because they make you feel alone when you are with
them.
d) Psychological Abuse because they have no interest in you unless it
relates to them. You are not given credit as a worthwhile
person, which
hurts.
The correct answer is:
d) Psychological Abuse because they have no interest in you unless it
relates to them. You are not given credit as a worthwhile person, which
hurts.
9.
Whenever your abuser gets angry, they call you names like "blubber
butt,"
"motherf**ker" or the "B" word. They often say ugly things about your
family or friends. You wonder how they can say such hurtful things and
still love you. This kind of abuse is called:
a)
This is not abuse as all people say unintended things in the heat of an
argument.
b) Verbal Abuse because they
are assaulting you with words.
c) Sexual Abuse becasue anytime
someone uses sexual slang in
arguments it is a form of Sexual Abuse.
d) This is called Battering
because they are "battering" you with
violent words
The correct answer is:
b) Verbal Abuse because they are assaulting you with words.
Click back to the Tutorial and continue where I left off: Continue
It is a painful thing to look at
your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made
it. Sophocles (c. 447 B.C.)
MORAL: Recognize that we can only
be victims by choice, and instead choose to be fully responsible for
all of your reactions and actions. We must stop blaming and settling
for the victim's crummy rewards.Conflict
Management Page
37
Mistreatment and violence are part of an enduring pattern of
maladaptive behavior within the relationship and are sometimes coupled
with substance abuse. Abusers are possessive, pathologically jealous, dependent, and, often, narcissistic. Invariably,
both the abuser and his victim seek to conceal the abusive episodes and
their aftermath from family, friends, neighbors, or colleagues.
This
dismal state of things is an abuser's and stalker's paradise. This is
especially true with psychological (verbal and emotional) abuse which
leaves no visible marks and renders the victim incapable of coherence.
~Sam Vaknin
Package of 8 'Refuse to Abuse' Post Cards only 5.99!