I found a blog by grammajan. What a gem. Jan doesn't mention any abuse issues, but she does write vignettes that reach inside and tweak one's vision giving the reader new perspecptive. Her work makes my spirit smile. Read about Maya--her daughter. (Do I relate, I named my girl "Karma.") and my personal favorite "Walking Sticks."

Just received a comment on my blog from a young man and it's making me think about a few things. He wrote: i must be very honest with you and say that the picture you have is a bit provocative for guys. I attend 12 step groups that help me with that specific problem, so the pic was kind of a shock for me... Hit me up if you ever change it so i can get to reading your material without being tempted to browse other sites...

Since this is a blog on abuse and I definately don't want to be abusive--I went to Dr. Carnes site to see if they explored us "provoking" sex addicts. They don't. I wonder if this is real? My picture (remember I'm 56), I felt was just really nice. I didn't put a laughing one up becasue this is a somber subject--domestic abuse. My main site Day By Day , is where my smiling pic is.

Is this like a rapist blaming the rape on the woman becasue she was

wearing provokative clothes? Like short shorts? Or am I truly

"enticing" young men. If I had a pic of me drinking a beer would that

be a trigger I should take down becasue of alcoholics, or eating a

donut--would that be abusive to the people from OA?

What do you think?

My first husband emailed today. (I like his emails, they are always sweet and supportive). He asked me if I had had any "work done"--meaning cosmetically because I look a little different than I did 25 years ago. ( Really? ) He said I looked young. Well you bet your sweet bippy I've had work done, just as much as I can afford without causing myself to look like I've been caught in a wind tunnel.

I was at a 12-step meeting yesterday and mentioned this very thing. A woman at a Vegas meeting cried last week about aging. People weren't relating to her the way they did when she was younger. I hugged her after the meeting. We are sisters. I would give anything, I told the group, to 'accept' the swarm of wrinkles bubbling under and around my checks and eyes. I would love to find the emerging turkey neck a sign of maturity like all the old male newscasters have done. I would give anything to consider my Andy Rooney eyebrows as added character, stop weeding them daily, and just grow old gracefully. Yes I would, but the men in my life won't let me. They say, "I love you just the way you are" and then fuck the babysitter.

You know why I can't revere this "new and wiser" aging me? You wonder why we cry in our self-help groups and lament the loss of our 20s 30s and even 40s-- because of you guys, that's why . It's because we find you beating off to pictures of 12 and 14 year olds in front of your computer. It's because you admire Donald Trump for marrying a women 24 years his Junior tomorrow.

I tried the online meeting your soul mate kind of thing--Sober Singles. I won't go into the long list of disabled, ptsd, misfits who contacted me ( however sweet they were, I don't want to be care-taking my soul-mate right out of the gate, thank you ) but there was one who peaked my interest. We had a few good talks. Ted is 49, I'm 56. He liked my pic, I liked his. Our talks were informal, we have a lot in common, and we could banter in a fun way with each other. We wanted to meet. Then, he asked the fatal question, "How old are you?" Like the air going out of a balloon, I could hear the enthusiasm go out of his interest in me.

Don't wonder why. We want men in our lives and they want tight little bodies with long hair, little experience, and who might not notice the hash brown stains in their drawers (or make them think it doesn't matter). They want the 'short in the tooth' woman, we want them, so what do we do? We file our teeth, if we don't want to throw in the towel with those stained drawers when we do the laundry!
Thanks to Tribune Media Services for loan of Rooney pic.

I found this old post from Lisa Cunningham regarding domestic abuse and love the idea of having the perpetrator paying for his behavior through community service. I don't think it will change them, but at least they are having to be repsonsible for their behavior.


Thanks Lisa!

Better yet, why don't we stop abuse before it begins? Here clip from Coaching Boys into Men

I am beginning my first blog on December 13, 2004, for a story that began in the fall of 1996. (I know it's January but it took me this long to figure out how to post!) Fall of '96 is when I met my hero, Bob Bowman. He was the light of my life, which quickly burnt out during the honeymoon. Almost overnight, I became the target of his immense hostility (from where and why was never made clear) and I spent our brief marriage trying to bring back the hero who had courted me. The bast**d who married me was mean as the dickens--but the guy who courted me--I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with.


The Geminids streaked through the heavens on Dec 13 while I soaked deliciously in Mom's hot tub on the high desert, counting the flying embers as my eye caught the glowing trails. I like to think of comets as comments from my Higher Power. You know, you have a thought, a comet streaks through the heavens, God seems to be conferring with you.

I decided to count to 5 and call it a night. They were so pretty, I upped it to 10. Number 10 was so flashy and long-tailed that I decided to stay for 15. But 16 was a power ball that convinced me to stay for 25. Then comet number 22 burst through the darkness and took my breath away. It was a flaming green and yellow undulating dragon's eye, the likes of which I have never seen before. Christ, what if I had left at 5? Or 10? Or 15? I would have missed Divine Comment number 22, wouldn't I? I sat in the tub until my toes resembled bleached prunes, but no more 22s or even 16s appeared that night.


Every once in a while Bob would do something so magnanimous, that I could not drag myself away from the 'marriage dream.' All his hostility and down-right ugliness paled in the light of his Comet 22 behavior. It was rare for him to be really nice, nurturing, or attentive but when he did, it hooked me. Like hoping to see Comet 22, I always hoped for my hero to return to the marriage.

Yes, I'm writing a book. Began a self-help web site for abused ladies. Visit the website--join me on a journey of change and choice--let me introduce you to the secret I discovered about domestic abuse. It's called The Miracle Principle and once you understand this principle, a miracle will occur in your life and you will never have to be abused again.