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Closure SpotLight
Forgive and Forget, yeah right!
To heal the Wounds
Conceptual Closure
Retributive Closure
Ways to move on without proper closure


What if I don't want closure but want a good relationship? (go to FAQ)

FAQ on Revenge (off site, you will have to click back button to return)

Read the Story of Naked Nikita and how I finally got my closure.
 



Forgive and Forget, yeah right!

People tell you to forgive and forget--its not that easy coming out of an abusive relationship. In fact a lot of us don't want to hear it. What do they mean, "Forgive" the bastard? Yes, we know it is the spiritual thing to do but the pain they've caused is usually so deep and we need a way to work through it. Granted this whole site is about taking responsibility for ourselves and that our abuser could not have abused without our consent, yet that does not excuse their behavior. People have wanted us to be understanding because our partners were/are "sick" or really didn't understand how they hurt us or maybe others just want us to get on with our lives and figure we have to forgive for that to happen.

To heal the wounds

Look. We went through a trauma! Most of us went through it for years and possibly some through several relationships. I didn't want to just put it behind me. I wanted closure! I wanted my husband to acknowledge what he did!

Author Sam Vaknin   explains:

For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehavior and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination.

Well we don't want/need to wallow ladies. There are a couple approaches we can take.
Sam explains that there are several types of closure, the first being:

Conceptual Closure

This most common variant involves a frank dissection of the abusive relationship. The parties meet to analyze what went wrong, to allocate blame and guilt, to derive lessons, and to part ways cathartically cleansed. In such an exchange, a compassionate offender (quite the oxymoron, admittedly) offers his prey the chance to rid herself of cumulating resentment.~ Sam Vaknin 

Ideally he would let her know that it wasn't her fault, that she could have done nothing to deserve it, that nothing she did would have made him better. Once the target of abuse knows this and hears it from the horses mouth, hopefully she could get on with her life. The burden of self-incrimination is gone. 

Retributive Closure

When the abuse has been "gratuitous" (sadistic), repeated, and protracted, conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution is called for, an element of vengeance, of restorative justice and a restored balance. Recuperation hinges on punishing the delinquent and merciless party. The penal intervention of the Law is often therapeutic to the abused.~ Sam Vaknin 

This falls under one of the Top 10 Reason the EXpose your EX. Click over there and review the good reasons for telling on your abuser and ways in which you can expose him. Exposing him or her as an abuser is a good way to work on retributive closure. We never advocate anything illegal or immoral but retribution can be sweet. According to some recent research  reported in Scientific American, Mind (Jan 2005) revenge stimulates the same types of reward centers in the brain that desserts, desire, and drugs do. "Ernst Fehr, from the University of Zurich in Switzerland, and his colleagues have shown that the dorsal striatum--the part of the brain that processes rewards--lights up when we punish those who have betrayed our trust."

Since there is a fat chance of him ever allowing you to have a more civilized "Conceptual Closure" you might want to close off the past with the Retributive kind. in addition to the Top 10 Reason the EXpose your EX you can check out the Revenge Lady's site. She has a lot of good ideas.

And finally I want to share stories with you. I had a pattern of abusive relationships in my life. It was my codependency that attracted them. With the grace of God, I have finally understood that abuse was my responsibility, not that of my partner. But I have been fortunate in that I have had both types of closures--conceptual and retributive. The conceptual with with my first husband who phoned after 25 years to make amends and the second was Bob--who began posting his naked pictures on Adultfriendfinder.com and set in motion the sweetest closure one could imagine without the guy copping to what he did. Click here for my story of closure.


Ways to move on without Proper Closure

From the site Gifts from Within, is a page devoted to healing from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is enlightening, inspiring and can give you lots of insight into taking care of you. Check it out.


This concludes our program on Stopping the Abuse. Please go over everything carefully and let us know how your are doing. We care, We really do!











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Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.

Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP


  I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better!
Note:He who laughs, lasts.

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