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Forgive
and Forget, yeah right!
People tell you to forgive and forget--its not that easy coming out of
an abusive relationship. In fact a lot of us don't want to hear it.
What do they mean, "Forgive" the bastard? Yes, we know it is the
spiritual thing to do but the pain they've caused is usually so deep
and we need a way to work through it. Granted this whole site is about
taking responsibility for ourselves and that our abuser could not have
abused without our consent, yet that does not excuse their behavior.
People have wanted us to be understanding because our partners were/are
"sick"
or really didn't understand how they hurt us or maybe others just want
us
to get on with our lives and figure we have to forgive for that to
happen.
Look. We went through a trauma! Most of us went through it for years
and possibly some through several relationships. I didn't want to just
put it behind me. I wanted closure! I wanted my husband to acknowledge
what he
did!
Author Sam Vaknin
explains:
For her
traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure
- one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully,
acknowledges his misbehavior and even tenders an apology. Fat chance.
Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to
such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow
in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination.
Well we don't want/need to wallow ladies. There are a couple approaches
we can take.
Sam explains that there are several types of closure, the first being:
This most
common variant involves a frank dissection of
the abusive relationship. The parties meet to analyze what went wrong,
to allocate blame and guilt, to derive lessons, and to part ways
cathartically cleansed. In such an exchange, a compassionate offender
(quite the oxymoron, admittedly) offers his prey the chance to rid
herself of cumulating resentment.~ Sam Vaknin
Ideally he would let her know that it
wasn't her fault, that she could have done nothing to deserve it, that
nothing she did would have made him better. Once the target of abuse
knows this and hears it from the horses mouth, hopefully she could get
on with her life. The burden of self-incrimination is gone.
Retributive Closure
When the
abuse has been "gratuitous" (sadistic),
repeated, and protracted, conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution
is called for, an element of vengeance, of restorative justice and a
restored balance. Recuperation hinges on punishing the delinquent and
merciless party. The penal intervention of the Law is often therapeutic
to the abused.~ Sam Vaknin
This falls under one of the Top 10 Reason the
EXpose your EX. Click over there and review the good reasons for
telling on your abuser and ways in which you can expose him. Exposing
him or her as an abuser is a good way to work on retributive closure.
We never
advocate anything illegal or immoral but retribution can be sweet.
According to some recent research reported in Scientific
American, Mind (Jan 2005) revenge stimulates the same types of reward
centers in the brain that desserts, desire, and drugs do. "Ernst Fehr,
from the University of Zurich in Switzerland, and his colleagues have
shown that the dorsal striatum--the part of the brain that processes
rewards--lights up when we punish those who have betrayed our trust."
Since there is a fat chance of him ever
allowing you to have a more civilized "Conceptual Closure" you might
want to close off the past with the Retributive kind. in addition to
the Top 10 Reason
the EXpose your EX you can check out the Revenge Lady's site.
She
has a lot of good ideas.
And finally I want to share stories with you. I had a pattern of
abusive relationships in my life. It was my codependency that attracted
them. With
the grace of God, I have finally understood that abuse was my
responsibility, not that of my partner. But I have been fortunate in
that I have had both types of closures--conceptual and retributive. The
conceptual with with my first husband who phoned after 25 years to make
amends and the second was Bob--who began posting his naked pictures on
Adultfriendfinder.com and set in motion the sweetest closure one could
imagine without the guy copping to what he did. Click here for my
story of closure.
Ways
to move on without Proper Closure
From the site Gifts from Within, is a page devoted to healing from Post
Traumatic Stress
Syndrome. It is enlightening, inspiring and can give you lots of
insight into taking care of you. Check it out.
This concludes our program on Stopping the Abuse. Please go over
everything carefully and let us know how your are doing. We care, We
really do!
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