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Define Domestic Abuse, Please
Domestic abuse is a term used to describe abuse by family members or intimate partners such as a spouse, ex-spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, or date. Other terms used for domestic abuse include:
Domestic abuse can take many forms, but involves using
intimidation and
threats or violent behaviors to gain power and control over another
person. According to the Woman's health library, the abusive
person is usually male, and women are often the
victims; however, domestic violence occurs against males, too. "Child
abuse,
elder abuse, and sibling abuse are also considered domestic violence." Women's
Health Network. The forms that domestic (ie emotional) abuse takes are:
NOTE: Do not confuse domestic abuse with domestic VIOLENCE. According to the National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence, abuse
often begins with
non-physical, verbal behaviors such as name-calling, threats,
belittling, and
hitting or destroying property or belongings of the target.
None of the above are considered "domestic abuse," they have
crossed the line and are now
considered domestic violence
and thus are beyond the scope of this site. Get help immediately if you
are experiencing any of the above. Call 1-800-799-SAFE or visit National
Domestic Violence Coalition for your closet agency or use the DV Survival
Kit. This survival kit tells you
what you can do if you are
threatened or hit by your spouse or partner.
Don't say something like this: "I could divorce him, but I can not afford to give up my current lifestyle" When the "current lifestyle" includes violence of any kind - physical, sexual, - you can not afford not to look for healthier alternatives. Pamela Brewer MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C Define An Abusive Partner, Please Only recently has violence against women been universally condemned in our culture here in the United States. The recognition of domestic verbal, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse issues has sadly lagged behind in the human rights arena. Attitudes and behaviors that are easily recognizable as unacceptable, immoral, humiliating, and even illegal out in society are often tolerated at home--in marriages and other domestic relationships. These behaviors include:
Yet, these – the lack of empathy, the
aloofness, the disdain, the sense
of entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal
treatment, the sadism, and the paranoia – do not render the abuser a
social misfit. This is because the abuser mistreats only his closest -
spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends,
neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed,
rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a
veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over
their dysfunction and misbehavior.
Because of the relatively recent recognition that women are people too and not be "owned" by their husbands like chattel, society has tolerated women being treated "less than" and subservient to their mates. As a result many women have allowed themselves to be treated badly and may have been told by parents, their religious doctrine, and societies subtle messages that this is the way to be a "feminine and nurturing" woman. They have also been told that if they are "good enough" that they can get their man to treat them well. They have accepted behavior from their men that they would not tolerate from a stranger. We had no name for the way men treated their "chattel." Today if its lousy treatment, we often say the woman is verbally or emotionally "abused." It's a new aspect of human rights and we are forging new roads here. So we have a lot of terms like:
But more importantly, we want you to ask yourself these questions, because it can be very difficult to recognize ourselves as being abused. Exercise # 1: Answer these questions. 1. Do your partner's needs take priority over yours? Joint resources go for him first, his job is more important than what you do, his opinion counts and yours does not, his sexual needs take priority over yours? Do you give up your plans and preferences in favor of his? Does he come first? 2. Is there routine (3 times a week or more) anger, hostility and criticism of you? It can be of your looks, what you wear, your sex appeal, the way you clean, the friends you choose, your family, the movies you like, your faith? Is there general disapproval of anything that differs from what he wants and believes? 3. Do you keep trying to make him happy by complying to his wishes but they change so that what you did this week to make him happy may make him angry next week? You are always caught off guard about how to stop his anger and make a happy marriage? Nothing you do, in the long run, keeps him satisfied? 4. Do you feel as if you are walking on eggshells all the time? You never know what will set him off. Your home does not feel like a safe place because of his outbursts and criticisms? Are you hesitant or even afraid to bring people home for long periods because he will get angry at you when they leave for things he says you did wrong or they did wrong? 5. He may or may not share his thoughts and plans with you, but he definatly does not seem to care about what you think, what your plans are, how you feel? He only asks questions about your past so that he can torment you with things during arguments? 6. Do you seldom share what you think now because if you do, he either takes the opposite view or puts down your beliefs as "stupid, irrational, immature, inexperienced, naive or "just like a woman?" 7. When you try to talk to him about these things he either gets angry and blames you, tells you that you are crazy or imagining things, gives you the cold shoulder, or doesn't know what you are talking about? 8. Does he rewrite history, denying he said what you heard, saying you said things you didn't, accusing you of evil motives against him, blaming you for the marriage troubles and you begin to believe that if you just could prove to him how much you love him and had his interests in mind, he would recognize your value? 9. No matter how hard you try, you cannot explain things to him. Communication in the relationship is difficult. You can't get through to your partner. Judge G wrote: I have discovered that my inability to effectively communicate with an abusive partner is a bigger problem than the anger and rage. Are you confused by your partner's responses because you can't seem to get him (or her) to understand why things bother you, that your intentions are good, not hurtful, that his (or her) behavior is discounting you but he/she won't understand...simple explanations always are twisted into evil motives? Those who answer yes to any the above questions and it occurs on a regular basis, are dealing with an abusive relationship. Remember, would you tolerate this kind of behavior from a stranger? Why should anyone take it from the person they love and who claims to love them? (Note: You do not need to e-mail your answers to this exercise to the moderators. They are for your own understaning only.) One of the first things to understand is this: A good and decent man (or woman) will not treat another person, especially their spouse, with disdain, hostility and criticism. A good and decent man will treat his wife better than he treats his best buddies. A good and decent man will not hide behind scripture or tradition to justify his mal-treatment of anyone, especially his wife. A Few Facts About Emotional Abuse from Virginians Against Domestic Violence
That being said, your abuser and society may have convinced you that this is normal, needed, justified, or your fault for not behaving. None of which are true. The truth is, there are few excuses for treating the one you say you love, badly. For our own crazy reasons, us partners often stay:scroll down on this page and read about the Stockholm Syndrone) and accept this behavior and excuse it. Shelly kept making excuses for her husband's constant anger and criticism by saying, "he's trying to quit smoking, he just changed jobs, his boss is on his back, his mother is sick, his mother just died, his ex is trying to move his son out of state, I am not spiritual enough, I haven't proved to him how much I love him, if I get it right, he will stop treating me this way." She always gave him an excuse for being mean to her, for humiliating her, and for discounting her, even if the excuse was to put the blame on herself. Society or religion doesn't need to convince women that mal-treatment is their fault because often they do a good job of that themselves! The real truth is that you can only be abused by consent. People can only walk over you if you lay down. If you do not allow someone to abuse you, you can not be abused--period. End of report. (some people disagree with this aspect while still maintaining that you must take personal responsibility for stopping the cycle) Eleanor Roosevelt put it succinctly when she said, "No one can insult you without your consent." Because abuse begins slowly and we adapt over time, it is often very hard to recognize. In addition, some religions, some aspects of our culture, and our desire to be good and compliant wives and mothers (ie good women) have had us accept the unacceptable. Usually we have developed patterns of behavior that are called "co-dependent" where we try to earn the love and respect of our partner by manipulating them--so in a convoluted manner we try to control them, by trying to control how they think and treat us. We are sure that if we just get the right combination of behaviors that we can somehow make this turn around and create a happy relationship. Codependents generally do most of the giving in a relationship and the abuser does most of the taking. If you didn't start out as a co-dependent (which many woman don't), your reactions of trying to please and placate the abuser often lead to codependency. Interestingly, according to Dr. Irene from her Verbal Abuse web site "Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming." Codependent behavior (giving and giving and trying to earn their love) seldom works to change the abuser's behavior. In fact nothing you do to them will make a happy marriage or loving relationship if you are dealing with a guy who makes you a target of his bad attitude. They will take all your attempts to get them to stop treating you badly and twist it to make you the culprit and appear wrong. They will always win, as explained in Patricia Evan's "Controlling People." (a must read for anyone one this site) Now is the time to change YOURSELF because you won't change them, ever. The only one that can change is you. By learning what co-dependent behavior is and how you come to practice it, you can change what you do, what you think of yourself, and what you are willing to accept in your life. Exercise #2: Go to Dr. Irene's page on recognizing codependent behaviors and make a list of all the behaviors that fit you. Once you have made this list, email it to the moderators and evaluate how your codependent behaviors fit into the abusive relationship. Now that you know what verbal abuse is, the next step is to recognize when it exists in a relationship. You have just completed Chapter 1 of the tutorial. Click here to begin Chapter 2. |
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| Final Thought--Definition
of a Narcissist Definition of Narcissist from Sam Vaknin's web site, Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" The Narcissist feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demand to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequaled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion. He is firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions). The narcissist is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends. He is devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others. He is constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly. |
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Not to know is
bad; not
to wish to know is worse. Nigerian Proverb
Not all abusers are dysfunctional. Many of
them are pillars of society.
Abusers come in all shapes and sizes: successful professionals, or
peripatetic con-artists, affluent or poor, young or old, well-educated
or dropouts. There is no profile of the "typical abuser". Open
Encyclopedia
Each year, between one and four million men and women in the U.S. are abused by current or former spouses, live-in partners, boyfriends, or girlfriends.
We Mistakenly Believe
That he cares about us and our well-being, if only we were better able to express and explain what we mean, he wouldn’t be so angry or disgusted with us, if only we didn’t have some inexplicable problem in perception, we wouldn’t take things the wrong way, if only we weren’t so inadequate—we wouldn’t feel so much pain and hurt, that he is sincere, that he is the same way with everyone and they don’t make him mad, so there must be something wrong with us, like he was always saying “this is what I’m talking about ..I just want to be happy — I don’t see us being happy -you make me do this, you make me drink, you’re going to make me drink, you, you, you are the problem”,
Misogynon
Each year, between one and four million men and women in the U.S. are abused by current or former spouses, live-in partners, boyfriends, or girlfriends.
We Mistakenly Believe
That he cares about us and our well-being, if only we were better able to express and explain what we mean, he wouldn’t be so angry or disgusted with us, if only we didn’t have some inexplicable problem in perception, we wouldn’t take things the wrong way, if only we weren’t so inadequate—we wouldn’t feel so much pain and hurt, that he is sincere, that he is the same way with everyone and they don’t make him mad, so there must be something wrong with us, like he was always saying “this is what I’m talking about ..I just want to be happy — I don’t see us being happy -you make me do this, you make me drink, you’re going to make me drink, you, you, you are the problem”,
Misogynon
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