There
are some important things we can learn from Al-anon principles. They
have learned to live with drunks, as self-ish and self-serving as any
abuser. In fact, many abuser also suffers from related disorders such
as
alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, and sex addiction. So it is no
surprise that we can learn a lot about living with an abuser and
stopping the
abuse from spouses who have learned how to deal with the abuse of
alcoholism in their relationship.
Detachment is one way we can learn to respect and focus on ourselves
and
not the one using us as a target of their selfserving and critical
ways. As the literature says, "Detachment
is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation
of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a
means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects
that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives.
Many times the family members find that they have
become just as obsessed -- and perhaps even
more
-- with the alcoholic's behavior than the alcoholic is with the drink.
The Al-Anon program teaches us to "put the focus on ourselves" and not
on the alcoholic, or anyone else.
If we put the focus on ourselves, we will no
longer be in the position to:
- Suffer because of the actions and reaction of
others.
- Allow us to be used or abused by others.
- Do for others what they could do for
themselves.
- Manipulate situations so others will eat,
sleep, get up, pay bills and not drink.
- Cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds.
- Prevent a crisis if it is the natural course
of events.
But what about the alcoholic? What happens if I
stop doing all of these things that I have done all these years to
"help?"
Has it helped? Al-Anon members learn that no
individual is responsible
for another person's disease or recovery from it. The simple answer to
what to do about the alcoholic: "Let go, and let God."
As they say in the program, "It's simple, but it
ain't easy." But you do not have to do it alone. There is probably an Al-Anon Family Group
meeting
nearby where you will find people who understand as few others can.
They have been there, and by sharing their experience, strength and
hope, help others to find their own path to serenity.
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It takes two to tango - and an equal number
to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused
form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Sam
Vaknin
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