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An Email Trail of
Self-help:
Stopping Abusive Relationships
Contents
Subject: Shift in my consciousness because I’m stopping his abuse
A Shift in My Consciousness by Stopping the Abuse
Subject: Husband wants credit for everything he does and acknowledges nothing in return
Subject: He will never get it: you have to stop trying to make him get it
Subject: On the broken promise thing
Subject: Dang, one more thing, get Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book
Subject: Sorry about the death in your family
Subject: I’m not feeling guilty when he is nice now
I had to Stop my Behavior--Stop Acting his Way in Reaction to Him.
Love is a Choice and So is Blaming
After I See that my Husband is OK, I Will Work on my Co-dependency
When I Gave Up My Co-dependency, He got Worse
He Might Say He’s Sorry, But Never Say He’s Wrong
Subject: Former Step daughter asks for help
They Live and Think in a Different Reality
We Never Set Out to Control, Humiliate and Hurt Our Partner
Subject: My daughter needs counseling because of the crazy making too
Parents Can Only Cope with Whatever Crap they are Carrying
I Can't Change my Past Actions/Choices
I Have Read Probably 20 Books in the "Self-help or Spirituality" Genre
My New Friend Treats Me Like a Woman, not an Object
Subject: The "crazy making" continues
As I Brought in More Money, He Brought in Less
He Never Did Anything He Promised
He
Began a
“Friendship” with this Whore
Subject: Shift in my consciousness because I’m stopping his abuse
Date: 21 Sept 2001
From: Shelly
To: Dawn and Mom
Hello Dawn, As I go through this journey of learning to take care of myself and stopping my husband from mistreating me, I think of you daily. You are my rock. You and my mother. I still smile to think how young you are and have learned so much. The amazing thing about the email before last is your insight--almost as if you KNOW what his next move is. You see, he took a whole day and sat and talked like a rational person and allowed me to say my truths without countering. Then I got your email and you said not to take one rational moment in 20 irrational ones and give it too much weight. And, of course it’s just what I did. He said he was so afraid I was going to divorce him. I assured him I wasn't thinking of it. But of course I didn't' want everything to suddenly be "forgotten" and we're fine as a couple. We're not. So grasping at his moment of rationality, I AGAIN tried to explain why we were in this mess how I couldn't understand his feelings of deprivation. H said he didn't so much want my money, as he felt angry that I had more resources and that's where this appearance that he's after my money came from. Foolishly I wrote him a long thing explaining how my resources weren't so great and how he had so much and how he better not use my words against me. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Then you wrote the thing about the one in twenty as if you are psychic. My mom was amazed that you hadn't heard the above story from me. Needless to say, he was furious with my letter of explanation--especially telling him not to use any of my words against me. He came home at midnight slamming doors and wrote me another angry note-- I want to get it through my head that nothing can be explained to him. Why do I keep trying to pretend that he will respond to me in a mature way? He won't.
I'm glad your husband is a good daddy. Actually Bob loves his son deeply too and spends lots of energy on him and his wants. Like you, I have often thought that if he would just put as much effort into me, we'd have a good marriage.
I like your idea on the credit card thing. Actually, I took my card back from him last month. His name is still on it and I won't take it off. Bob does have admirable qualities and I doubt that he would run up a bill on mine. In fact I'm sure he would not. So I'm not panicked. But me on his card would be nice. He refuses. So I just pay for household stuff with my card and write the check to the CC bill from the household account. He is living in the downstairs bedroom and I think it’s more pleasant for both of us. It's self-imposed on his part, but working out fine for me. He is angry on and off. Hasn't "lost control" but when he tries to be nice, little things will tick him off and he talks through clenched teeth. We went out to dinner and shopping. On the way there, I forgot the correct street. He went into anger mode again--trying not to be too mad at me for forgetting the road. We got back on track in 10 minutes but the damage was done. My H kept making little annoyed comments “I thought you knew the way or I would have taken the map,” “I'm sooo hungry and I only ate once today,” these things were said in very annoyed tones but he was trying not to show anger. I just wanted to go back home, repressed anger is so unpleasant. We finally got to the restaurant and it settled down. Went to the mall and he disappeared when I went into Victoria’s Secret. I found him in Radio Shack and then went to Lerners--tried on two pants, etc. He waited outside and said through clenched teeth “It took you 45 minutes!” I reminded myself why I don’t like to do things with him--he gets upset, annoyed, frustrated, and angry so frequently--as if every little thing is a personal attack on him. It makes any outing with him unpleasant. I am sooo grateful anytime we go someplace without his annoyance (yes occasionally it does happen--so I feel like Pavlov's dogs and keep seeking the good experience amidst so many negative ones).
Many little things that I don't' know how to stop like they say to do in Evan's book. Most of it is covert right now and I'm not sure how to stop it. Since I put a stop to the blatant stuff, the other is harder to be aware of and counter immediately. For instance:
1. He got home a little after nine (it was usually midnight--his schedule had changed and he “forgot” to tell me) I heard the door open and I panicked--got out the gun. Realized it was him when the dogs stopped barking. I was really scared. Did he know I would be scared?
2. There was a thunderstorm outside so I had turned off the air and opened the windows. It felt great and I love fresh air. H came home, turned on the air and closed the windows. Then he called me on the phone from the Internet line in his hobby room and told me to close my upstairs window. He always controls the house and car temps--he feels it is his domain and it doesn't matter what I want or think. (on-going with us and I just gave up because it caused so much fighting)
3. I put his mail on his desk where he asked me to and saw big letters printed on paper “Due process.” I wondered if this was another covert “threat” to me. Just to make me wonder if he was divorcing me again. I wrote a smiley face on the paper and asked, “What is this, divorcing me again?” he ignored it.
4. He left me a note--he wrote, “I have been amazed at your ability to go back years and recall almost every dollar spent and logging all my expenditures.” He has asked me repeatedly for “accounts” of where the money has gone. I take my time and energy and look up the facts THAT HE ASKED FOR and then he indicts me with it! He does this all the time. I did what H asks, then he says, “See you go back and account for every dollar!”
I am stronger and actually happier. There has been a shift in my consciousness. you said the defining moment for you was during that conversation with your brother (my husband is 5 years younger) "It was that moment when it hit me -- that my ex just couldn't be kind to me, just didn't value me, even as much as he might a stranger, that the disdain he felt for me could not be explained away or attached to any stress or circumstance in our relationship." For me, it’s been a series of smaller awakenings. One, when my Mom kept calling his anger 'abusive" and it finally sank in that just because he wasn't hitting me, didn't mean it wasn’t abusive. Then Evans book gave me a frame work and a name for it--God that made a difference. His blatant focusing on my money shocked me and forced me to think of him in different terms. Then I guess, similar to you, I had gone into his computer (actually mine that my mother bought for me but it’s shifted to him by default) and found a document titled "Summery." This was a few days ago, around Aug 26 or 27. In it he wrote how he looked around and saw this lovely house, a dream come true for him that was only actualized because of me. He never would have had it, if it weren't for me, he had written. Then he mentioned his shotgun, the one I bought for his birthday and how that was a dream come true. After that he went into telling me why I was wrong about everything else, but those few words of acknowledgement meant so much to me. I could excuse the rest, like we do. I waited for him to finish writing the document named “summery” and give it to me. He didn't know I had seen it. Well, the next day, he finished it all right. He cut out every kind word and decent memory he had and gave me only the portion that indicted me and told me he wasn't doing what it appeared he was doing. I was sick inside.
You see, he keeps saying he's confused and "forgets' our conversations. Mom told me that he knows what I do and what I've done for us and chooses to ignore it for his own selfish reasons. I didn't believe her--but in view of his “summery,” I had to believe her. My husband doesn't want to be kind (except if he wants something), he does want to hurt me. He does know what I contributed and refuses to take it into account when we talk.
Dawn, you're an excellent writer. I'm saving all of this. I don't know what I'll do with it, but possibly it could be helpful to someone. We'll see. Your experiences are aiding me tremendously. Thanks. Shelly
Subject: Husband wants credit for everything he does and acknowledges nothing in return
Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001
From: Shelly
To: Dawn and Mom
Hi Dawn, I know you told me it’s not over until it’s over. I still get shocked every time something new crops up that slaps me in the face. I am gaining in strength and knowledge. I keep trying to be spiritual and my Mom says that I sit and act spiritual while he abuses me. One day nice, one day not talking. Today he's not talking to me--well in curt short sentences. He's mad again, although he'd never admit it. He'll say, "I'm frustrated, or disappointed--something like that. But he's mad at me. This is what brought this last one on.
He sent an insane email What I did was use his own words and re write his email from my perspective, so he could possibly see how disturbing it is to me for him to continually solicit understanding & acknowledgment from me but not return it. He wants me to acknowledge his good works (and I do all the time) but he fails to see mine. So I took his email and simply plugged in a reverse situation so he could see how it feels. First one his, second one mine.
Dear Shel
There are several things that are still bothering me about W.P. First I want to say I do not want more money, that's not why I am bringing this up. The appraisal you are using is 3 years old, before the new heating system was installed and all the work was done fixing up the inside 9 months ago. We had used our savings money to purchase the system, pay Doug and Harry approx. $2200. This would be much easier to let go if it were several years ago. I do feel that you have discounted my valuable contribution to this investment though. I have contributed greatly with my input, my work, my contacts and my money, which have made these homes what they are today. To prevent further problems and accusations I still think it would be better for me to give up my half as a gift to you with no money involved. I feel that it will be easier for me to drop the whole thing if we do it this way. After all I am the one that started all this by threatening divorce. I don't want to start a confrontation about this but I would like to know what your thinking is.
Bob
Husband of mine
There are several things that are still bothering me about the townhouse. First I want to say I do not want to claim money for it, that's not why I am bringing this up. Although we weren't married, our joint money went into repairs, payments, taxes, and maintenance. The TH lost a little every month. The first month it made nothing and we sank over a $1000 (including payment) into it. I do feel that you have discounted my valuable contribution to this investment though. I have contributed greatly with my input, my work, my time my know how, my bookkeeping, and my money, which made it possible for you to go to work and rest easy about all the bills, repairs, and moving and maneuvering that had to be done with TH. To prevent any problems and accusations I will just say my actions were a gift to the man I loved and I would not dream of claiming any of the money you got for selling the TH and put into this house. I feel that it will be easier for me to drop the whole thing if we do it this way. I don't want to start a confrontation about this but I would like to know what your thinking is, how you can be so focused on your contributions and fail to acknowledge mine.
Shell
He answered:
Dear Shelly
Does this mean you will sell the houses if I tell you to? This is totally ridiculous, I never asked you to put anywhere near the money into the town home as went into W.P., it was almost new! If you would have let me raise the rent instead of trying to do the universe a favor it would have made a lot more. Give it a rest!
I don’t even really know what he means here! It’s like he totally missed the point of what I was doing. I do believe this is the end of our marriage. No matter what I do, what I say, or how I say it--he stays focused on what he feels he is deprived of, where I am not crediting him with his good deeds--self-obsessed and self-assorbed. My contributions, needs, knowledge and deeds mean nothing to him, only what he should get, his rights, his ego... it is so blatant.
I put his name on my property and give him credit and money for what he’s done, he doesn’t put my name on his property (although I managed it for over a year and put money into it) and my husband takes all the money and gain for himself. I put his name on my vehicles and he doesn’t put mine on his. He claims that my vehicles should be half his because of all the work he’s done on them and fails to give me credit for all the time I’ve spent maintaining and arranging repairs for his. I paid off his bills when we moved in together--and instead of saying “Wow, how
wonderful, I’ll do work on these properties to make it up to you,” he says, “I’ll only do work on these properties if you put my name on them and give me money.” I put his child in my will and he refused to put my grandchildren in his (this he claims he is changing but it hasn’t happened yet), I gave him POA over all our stuff to show trust and he gave me one only if he is disabled. He says that he’s helped in my business by taking care of the dogs and sending emails and therefore should be entitled to some of the income, he never mentions paying me for all the money and time I’ve put into his son. Everything is so one sided--I haven’t asked for money or compensation from him--I only mention what I do because its so one sided with him. Bob only sees himself, his wants, needs, work and contributions--mine go unnoticed and unrewarded. I don’t think I can continue to live this way. His one-sidedness is so blatant that I could scream. What we did, we did for each other because we were in love--now he wants money for everything he did and what I did is my duty.
I can't file for divorce because there are no legal grounds. And I want to remain in my spiritual consciousness and not my material. Did spirituality bother you when you were leaving your husband? Did you feel you were breaking a promise to God and man? I believe if I don't force anything, don't allow him to abuse me, do the next right thing, that it will all work out. I don't even know if divorce is the answer!
How do you find time to work with others like me, work at a job and raise your son! Thanks again, Shelly
Subject: He will never get it: you have to stop trying to make him get it
Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001
From: Dawn
To: Shelly
Shelly, This will be quick as this week I am much more crunched than usual at work and with other stuff and don't have as much time to response leisurely. I plan to respond more on Monday when I'm off deadline. (I've also began talking a lot to a high school boyfriend I've recently re-connected with. That's kept me up late at night and neglecting some of my work. He's almost divorced, so I'm wary, but it certainly is nice to be talking to a man who's interested in me again.!)
I think you are judging this situation with Bob the best you can. You are doing your best to remain impartial, but the writing is on the wall. Your gifts were given freely; his were not. You will pay for the "gifts" he's given you as long as you are in this marriage, until his death or yours or until he gets some SERIOUS attitude adjustment, whichever comes first. Only you know which way you want to end the punishment or the "payback" and only you know how much you can endure. I wish I had better, more solid answers but this is for you to do, for you to know and for you to live with your decisions. But I will support whatever you choose to do, as long as it doesn't compromise your personal integrity.
Yes, I had spiritual problems, mainly surrounding not having an intact, parents under one roof home for my son. I felt extreme guilt (still do sometimes) and hung on longer than I should have because of that. More on this Monday and how my situation is different from yours in ONE major way.
I take it your state makes you have grounds for divorce. Mine doesn't. I didn't think that really stopped divorces anymore but I'm probably misinformed.
The “against God and morals” thoughts are yours to wrestle with and come to terms with. The actual process of divorce probably can happen if you wanted to go ahead and do it. Am I right on this?
More Monday Shelly and hang in there. DISCONNECT when he's irritable and making the curt remarks. Let go of the fact that he didn't get what you were doing in the e-mail. HE WILL NEVER GET IT and if he gets a glimmer of understanding, he will accuse you of being punishing for doing it. DROP IT!
Sorry if I'm harsh. I'm in a hurry! Dawn
Subject: On the broken promise thing
Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001
From: Dawn
To: Shelly
Yes, you would be breaking an agreement by getting a divorce. However, he broke his vows first! Think of that when you are giving up. By no means am I saying that means you can divorce him guilt-free or that you should definitely get divorced, but ask yourself why you question your own promise-breaking and take more blame/guilt than you assign him and/or let him assign you more blame/guilt than he assigns himself. You take 50 percent, no more -- no less. Part of this problem is you overemote, overdo, overlook, give benefit of the doubt so he doesn't have to. If you pulled back to 50 percent (which you have been doing more so) he will react in some way. Healthier men get the clue after a few months and began to fill up the missing percentage that you previously took. Unhealthy men feel punished, entitled and get abusive. Of course during a marriage there’s a give and take, it goes 50/50 to 60/40 to 70/30 to 20/80 to 25/75 and back to 50/50 over the course of a month.
The main point being that one is doing more WAY more than the other and the other isn't letting the one slide
(to the first's detriment). Everyone's taking responsibility for themselves and the other when the other needs help, knowing that when they need help, they can count on you. This is how HEALTHY partners work. Or so in theory. I haven't experienced it in practice.
Does this make any sense to you? I'll clarify if you want to ask questions as I feel very STRONGLY on this point. Sound familiar! Dawn
Subject: Dang, one more thing, get Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book
Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001
From: Dawn
To: Shelly
I insist you order or go find the book "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. this book is GREAT! And it has a perfect explanation of the breaking agreements thing that you are struggling with and that I want to explain better but don't have time now. Anyway the book is so well-written, I like it just for that. but the concepts are so moving. It was a highly influential book for me during my recovery.
YOU MUST GET IT. Get it today or order off www.amazon.com to be delivered to your home ASAP!
Date: Sat, 08 Sep 2001
From: Dawn
To: Shelly
Shelly,
I can't write more as promised on Monday. I am going out of town for my grandmother's funeral. She passed Wednesday. Please pray for me and Hunter and my family. I will talk to you when I'm back, probably Thursday.
Hang in there. Dawn
Subject: Sorry about the death in your family
Date: Sun, 09 Sep 2001
From: Shelly
To: Dawn
Dawn, I am soooo sorry. Were you close? I loved my grandmas so much, it killed me when they died. I am just now finished with my grief book--Hour to Hour , 30 days of spiritual nourishment following the loss of a loved one.
I wish it was published, I would send you one.
I ordered the book from Amazon that you told me too. Am looking forward to it arriving. Please know I am with you in spirit. What is your address? Shelly
Date: Fri, 21 Sep 2001
From: Shelly
To: Dawn
Please let me know you are OK. "An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind." – Mahatma Gandhi
Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2001
From: Shelly
To: Dawn
Hi Dawn, I know you left for the funeral right at the time of the attacks and I haven't heard from you. I pray to God you and your son are OK. Please just let me know you are all right or not. Is there anything I can do for you? shelly
NOTE Dawn phoned me to report that she was OK and not caught in the Sept 11 thing.
Subject: I’m not feeling guilty when he is nice now
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001
From: Shelly
To: Dawn
CC: Mom
Hello Dawn, Well, it’s about time I wrote about my progress. I wrote this in my journal and so rather than write it again, this is where I am today. I am passing on your words to my step daughter who is going through roughly the same things. She has just discovered that her anger was reactionary and that she is not the abuser, which he had convinced her of! My husband is wonderful right now and for the first time in our marriage, I'm not buying it! I felt so guilty for not accepting his niceness at first, but I think now I understand why I am not overjoyed that the past is behind us. It’s because the past has never been resolved. So here is my story and any insights would be appreciated. (Oh, after many accusations, he signed the agreement separating our monies and signed my rental properties back over--saying that me accepting them back was proof of my greediness! And of course he took money for the properties. As I knew he would. But in all fairness, I wanted him to because he did do a lot of work on them)
I have been totally disillusioned with my eyebrows--they decided to rebel and began growing out in long rabid white and gray hairs that couldn’t be tamed. I began plucking the rebels out until they tripled, quadrupled in numbers and I finally plucked them all out. So now I have only my tattooed brows on my forehead. That would be OK, except that the left one is significantly darker and I have to try to even them out with pencils. Every time I pass a mirror, I scare myself because I have one angry looking eye glaring at me--ah, the hazards of trying to beat the clock!
Of course they are nothing compared to the hazards of trying to do this relationship thing. I have been teetering on the verge of divorce for a year now. I promised God that I won’t run from this man or marriage, yet how desperately I want to. However, for the first time in my life, I have found a framework in which to put things. Yes, I’m co-dependent but that was not/is not the whole story. One of the things I hate about the co-dependency theory is that most experts try to trace the patterns back to our parents and I don’t’ buy it. If parents determined how their kids turned out, all their kids would be basically the same--and we’re not. Kids have certain personalities and so respond differently to their parent’s behaviors and parents respond differently to the way the kids behave! I believe in choice and I don’t blame parents and family patterns. I blame life!
Our life circumstances are a consequence of living on planet earth--feeling, being functional and being dysfunctional. So when I read “Love is a Choice”(my stepdaughter Tammy asked me to read) I would have responded a lot better if they hadn’t kept trying to blame Mom and Dad for the way I feel and the choices I make today. I feel and do things the way I do because of my unique blend of genes, culture, family and choice. And in this soupy mixture, my parents would never be able to get the perfect recipe for my tastes. It is impossible for them to control the variables enough to know how to be “perfect” parents to season my life just right--even if they wanted to. They would have to be different for each child and respond and have different rules for each, have different words for each, be a different example for each--it’s not possible and I dare say, not the preferred method of living. When would they have time to do for themselves? So I let all parents off the hook and plant the responsibility back where it belongs, on us! After all, think about responsibility--it means who is “able to respond” --response-able. Our parents are not able to respond to our life, only we are.
On the other hand, I see how co-dependent I am. I have brought this into every marriage and only now have a handle on it--I will do for, fix, take care of, be capable, please and gratify my mate. In return, he will adore me and appreciate all my efforts and sacrifices. This is a subtle form of reverse control. You see, my husband is the overt controller--he drives, sets the temperature in the house, determines when and how high the windows go up, determines what we need for “our” house, what goes in “our” garden, how and when I do the dishes, what type of soap goes into the washer, ect ect--and I’m supposed to handle all the details--I’ll please him and make it all happen. So he’s the dominant man controlling the world, I scramble to make it happen and in a more insidious way, try to control him by controlling how he feels and what he thinks of me. Well, we all know this story. He’s never happy enough, I always fail in some measure, he gets angry and punishes me, until he decides to forget it. Then I am relieved for the short period of ‘happiness,” until the next go around when I put the trash in the wrong place, or “push” him to fight for custody, or talk nicely to his ex-wife, or refuse to buy him a new car if I don’t get one too, or do some paperwork in a manner he doesn’t approve of, or refuse to give him thousands of my business money....
Yes, I invited this behavior from him. I presented myself as the one who could arrange our lives. He presented himself as the loving partner and recipient of my care and nurturing. I allowed and encouraged him to expect this from me, so for that I am responsible. What I didn’t bargain for was his complete resentment of me for doing it! What I didn’t bargain for was his explosive anger. What I didn’t bargain for was his punishing me with anger, withdrawal, refusal to help me and mean little behaviors when he gets mad. Why can’t we just talk? Why can’t we sit down like two adults and just figure it out? Like you and I would?
When I gave up my co-dependency, “you take care of you and I’ll take care of me,” he got worse. Then I read “the Verbally Abusive Relationship” and WOW. POW. Hit me in the face, reality. Rage--angry behavior and abuse is not something to be worked on in a relationship. It is not a marital conflict to be resolved, it is unacceptable and the problem of the person doing it and they must stop! Yes, I got angry back and yelled and screamed in reaction to his insanity--and I had to stop my behavior--stop acting his way in reaction to him. No matter what he did, I had to stop my reaction to him--and be responsible for my outbursts.
Our marriage has worked because I have tried to accommodate his every mood and want and desire. That’s my co-dependency. Nothing I did made him happy for long, because he’s unhappy! He reminds me of my dog, Shuba. She is sickly and has internal problems. Once and a while a pain shoots through her--she screams, jumps up and looks around. What caused it? The first thing she sees, is what, or who, she decides caused this pain. If she is lying by your feet-- she blames your foot. Then attacks! Nothing you do will convince her otherwise. Then Shuba continues to snarl and stalk your foot for days before she forgets it! That’s my husband, he’s unhappy (profoundly, I think) He feels bad, looks around, sees me. Then attacks.
When we try to talk about it, he gets mad because I blame him. I do! Like I would tell Shuba, “It’s not my foot! It’s you!” I tell my husband, “You started it! You were nasty to me you did thus and such...” He thinks I started it because I did or did not do whatever he thinks set him off (which I believe is him looking around attaching his angry unhappy feelings to the closet thing he can find--the foot). So he thinks (and most counselors think too) that this is a marital conflict to be worked on in marriage--give and take and compromise. You control that dang foot and he controls his temper, then you’ll be OK. Only the counselor doesn’t realize your foot had nothing to do with anything--if it had been your hand or another dog, or a toy bear, the reaction would be the same. Your partner has a happiness problem that leads to anger and abusing you and that problem is theirs! We are co-dependent and we need to work on that which allows us to take responsibility for their happiness and abuse problem. What two adults do when they don’t like something is TALK about it and compromise and work it out. What co-dependents do is struggle and juggle to the death to fix whatever is wrong and what angry people do is try to control every aspect of their life and partner’s and use every ugly means possible to control the foot. (No matter how much they control you and everything in life, they will still have the jabs of pain and blame the foot—but no one seems to know this).
In “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” Evans says that these partners live in a different reality and so we can never please them and will kill ourselves trying. They are “superior over” us and do everything they can to maintain that position. I have learned, that although we tend to hook up with these types, once you stop the co-dependent behavior, they don’t usually get better. My husband has been wonderful for three weeks. (Evans says this is a pattern where, when they think they will lose you, they pursue you again as in courtship). My husband couldn’t be a better man right now. Yet, so what? He’s done this before. Taken us through the cycle of his anger, disappointment, annoyance--whatever he doesn’t approve of in me, then punishes me with withdrawal, rage, cold politeness, no sex, put-downs, unreasonableness, counter-accuses me of everything I say about him--then when he decides its over, it’s over!
I have, in my co-dependent days, gone along with it. “Whew! He loves me again. Now we can go on with our lives--as a team.” I fool myself into believing that this time we will really become a happily married couple. Our “courtship” times can last from a few days to a few months, until he gets mad at me again. When he punishes me, he is horrible. He has never hit me (yet) but he breaks things, threatens divorce, leaves, slams things, curses me, bellows out hurtful accusations. Afterwards, he will apologize for his outburst but still believes that I caused it, that I did whatever “disrespectful” thing to him (the foot) and NEVER acknowledges his instigation and unreasonableness. NEVER. He has put me through hell for two years-- BAD. Never tells me how grateful he is for all the stuff I’ve done for him, yet demands I acknowledge his every deed. I supported his son for 4 years, took care of all our financial things, gave money time and TONS of energy and he says nada. I tell him all the time how I like this or that and am grateful for his contributions (that crippling Saint Shelly stuff). In other words, I acknowledge his every act of kindness and husbandliness and he chokes on the simplest acknowledgment of what I do.
The BEST he could do since counseling is say “I’m sorry because I was raised where I had things and didn’t have to deprive myself and you had a hard childhood and are used to sacrificing things. So I like to give myself things and I think I rebelled against you when you wanted to budget.” None of what he put us through is acknowledged. Even though most of our marital resources have gone for what he decides we need--he still says he was deprived. Even though he has more than he ever has had, he feels deprived. Go figure! He won’t even admit that the fact that my refusal to give him a portion of my royalties (which is money to run my business) set off this last go-around. My husband had gone through a lot of his inheritance from his mom and wanted me to help build up the reserves by taking money from my business-- that’s how all this got started. I constantly tell him how co-dependent I have been, how I need to take care of myself and my needs, how sorry I am for acting out on him, how I need to meet my own needs and not expect him to, how he has said what he wants and I’ve kept silent and that’s not his fault. I’ve read the books, found the counselors, looked up the research, jumped through hoops to save the marriage and he agrees I have a serious problem!
I’m not saying he isn’t a decent man--he is when he wants to be. He has good intentions, is basically honest and hardworking. But like Evans says, he lives in a different reality--and me trying to explain and justify and just get him to understand, prove to him I’m a good guy, will never work. He wants to be right, not understanding. He wants to be looked up to, not understood. He wants to do things for “us” with no consideration of me. He wants his decisions to be “our” decisions. He wants me to be happy by us making him happy.
I will end with this story. I was at Busch Gardens. I went into the bird cage where the parrots will sit on your shoulder or finger and eat seeds, wrist watches and earrings. They are sweet and feisty. A man and his wife walked through--he had a scowl on his face, annoyed at the birds and their antics. After my walk-through, I pulled the ropes aside to exit the cage, I saw that guy, still scowling, and his wife asserting, “Noooo, I will not wipe that bird shit off your shirt!” How poignant, I thought. This is a woman after my own heart. She is not going to do for him what he should be doing for himself. She instantly earned status as my role model. He can be sullen and demanding and she says “no.” Then I thought a little more about it. If that guy were there with his buddies, I’ll bet that he would have found the birds funny and the guys would’ve had a rollicking good time. But with his wife, he was annoyed and reluctantly touring the atrium. I’ll bet that if the bird had shit on him with a guy there, he would have joked and found it hilarious--but with his wife, he wanted her to take responsibility. This was such a typical scene. Why do guys treat the ones they love the most like servants, like objects to do their biding and be abused when they don’t measure up? What is this? Why do many men treat their buddies like real people to be respected and enjoyed? I don’t get it. But the Busch Gardens Bird cage is a symbol to me now. Under the best of circumstances, I would want the guy to treat me like he would his buddies. But if that isn’t possible, then I want to be the wife who says, “No, I won’t wipe the bird shit off of you.” I don’t any longer want to be Shuba’s “foot.” and get attacked and blamed for simply being there.
Thanks Dawn for being there for me! I will be at my mothers until the 25th--so if you answer before then, please send to us there. She is greatly interested in this whole process! Also we both want to know how you got so wise at so young an age. And how is it going with the high school sweetheart? Can you maintain your autonomy? Are you a woman with him or an object? Hugs, Shelly
Note: My former Step daughter Tammy went through a painful divorce and got back in touch with me for answers because she thought I had finally found the perfect marriage. She was so disappointed that I my marriage was a wreck. I asked her to join our group for support and the help her get out of the patterns and she agreed.
Subject: Former Step daughter asks for help
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001
From: Shelly
To: Tammy
Hi Tammy, I'm so glad you got the book and can identify! My mom feels very tenderly towards you and as I keep her informed of all the details of my life, which now includes the details in yours. She and I noticed the patterns of abuse with your H long ago, but knew nothing much more than you, except that no matter how hard we try to please, it never seems to work, no matter how much effort we put into it, they don't get it, and no matter how good we are, they abuse us. We saw this and wished you the best--NOW I have a framework. Evans book gave me perspective that I've never had before and I am so happy about it, that I almost forgive my H for being the reason I got the book.
We need to understand, Tammy, that they live and think in a different reality and we can never explain it to them. They don't want to get it. They will never want to. You are being genuine in trying to work for the marriage, but nothing you ever do or say or change will change his reality or make him happy. Its not you! And, it’s not your parents! Once you release yourself from not being able to reach his reality, you can begin your life as an adult. I mean outside the fantasies—better than trying to explain why the fantasy didn't work. Sure, you and I are a lot alike, competent, loving, wanting the best possible world for us and ours, willing to walk over coals to make it possible, and never succeeding--then looking desperately at ourselves and feeling guilty because we secretly believe they are the problem but telling ourselves it takes two! Well Tammy, its takes two people to make a marriage but it takes one to take it down. You tried to make a marriage and your H took it down. And he is an abuser! Just because he didn't hit you...but you'll see as you read the book.
It was the hardest thing in the world to admit that my partner is an abuser! I don't know why. Maybe it’s admitting I picked him, or I'm weak. I'm not sure. But he does every one of the things Evans lists in the book, when I balk and get angry--then he echoes everything back to me--anyway, I wrote of my current status in my journal, which I've sent to you below. But the next thing I want you to do is go to this web site and read everything! This and the Evan’s book slowly woke me up over a course of five months. Talking to you is going to be the BEST thing for me to gain even more insight. I hope we become the strength each other needs. But I know one thing, although co-dependency doesn't make us happy, we never set out to control, humiliate and hurt our partner--and Tammy, they did! Remember the "power over" that Evan’s book mentions, is the key. Their goal is "power over' while our goal is a happy marriage. True, even though it'll probably be a while before you get that one.
I forgot about the thing about you as a kid. Funny what sticks with us. You are such a sweetheart. I would not have cared one way or the other. So sad that you thought you must lie to me! Oh well. I've only known you to lie twice in your life. You were so lucky to have Buddy, your step dad, by the way. He was a blessing from God. As you read my journal and as we correspond, you will think I'm lecturing. Although I come off strong, understand I state things fiercely in order to etch them on my soul--not because I think I'm right. I know that I change constantly and grow. Today, I'm right for today. I have found a profound spiritual truth, but the details may change as my understanding changes. Tammy, I have learned a lot from you, and expect to learn a lot more. I feel that what we are going through is parallel. You were my strength when I left your Dad. Now we can be here for each other. We're going to come out of this stronger!
Subject: My daughter needs counseling because of the crazy making too
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001
From: Tammy
To: Shelly
My Dear Shelly, Thank you so much for the e-mail. I have so much to share but am so short of time right now. I am leaving for Boise Friday at noon and won't be home until late Monday night. But as soon as I have sometime I will park myself at the computer and surf your suggested sites. A time has been one of my enemies these past two years, I work so much and find it so hard to make time for myself.
I shared your e-mail with Melinda, I wanted her and want her to understand the cycle of abuse because she and her dad are going to try to go to counseling together. Their relationship is very hostile because she too experiences the "crazy making" stuff he does. In January her tuition will be due again and so he has made it clear to her that he has to sell a horse to pay his half, making her feel bad, him being all self sacrificing. The whole horse business is another story I will share later but I get so angry when I see him manipulate her feelings that way. I hope for her sake counseling will help but like you say some counselors just make a mess (bigger mess) of things, that is way I try to share insight with her as much as possible.
I know if you have time both kids would love to get e-mail from you too. I know we have been out of touch of awhile but I think of you often and you have to know I just think you are such a good person. I hate that you are in a frustrating relationship. My girlfriend always says everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it is so damn hard to see what that reason is that it is really hard to hang in. I really have to get off this computer has I am getting nothing done before my trip. I love you heart and soul! TB
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001
From: Dawn
To: Shelly and Georgiana
Shelly, Hi to your mom! I thank you for sending your book about your ex. What a painful, amazing story. At times, while reading, I was wondering, is this all true? Did this all happen? The characters are so rich and messed up and polarized. Reading the book, it struck me that Bob has some of the same characteristics in the money area as your ex. Always thinking you are hiding money or hoarding money from him.
I completely related to your last e-mail/journal entry. The thing about the foot and our partners attacking us because we are the closest target --no rationality involved -- was exactly how I felt about my ex.
And the part about co-dependency and not blaming the parents. I agree that as adults, we have to let go of blame of our parents, who for the most part did the best they knew how and were coping the way they knew best -- given their own psyches and experiences from their childhood and life. But I do believe that our co-dependency or "over caretaking" is largely a product of our childhood experiences and watching our parents interact in their marriages and other relationships. Parents are just doing what they do to cope with whatever crap they are carrying or avoiding and as a result the children also learn to cope with the lack of assertive communication, conflict resolution, substance abuse or emotional/physical abuse in the family.
I see it like this, that each child has his/her own psyche and responds to their parent’s situations in their own way. For instance, my coping mechanism was to be the "good girl" the smart one and favorite one and to make everyone like me and make everyone happy. To be the peacemaker of the family and the one that didn't add to the problems. I would get my attention through good grades and good presentation (while behind their backs I was sleeping with boys and going to parties and drinking and basically being a party girl during my teen-age years). But I always pulled through with good grades, going to college, getting a decent-paying career and appearing successful and mentally healthy. But I wasn't, at all. My brother, Kyle, responded to them with being a bad boy. A rebel, who got bad grades and got in trouble and just took off in teen-age years and lived his life around other people, except for coming home and sleeping at home. We both escaped the way our psyches led us.
So yes, my opinion is, our psyches determine how we cope to our parents, and our parents aren't to blame for our problems, but the parents do create the environment -- physical and psychological -- that we live in and respond to. The trick for me -- being a parent myself -- is to become as "healthy" as possible so however Hunter psyche is set up to respond to my dysfunction will be mitigated as much as possible. Of course I'll do stuff/ just be ways that he will carry and will possibly mess with his life in the future; I can't stop that. I'm not perfect, nor do I always do what's best for me or my son. The very fact that Hunter's dad didn't love me and I chose to chase him and got pregnant will affect Hunter for his whole life and I feel a lot of guilt for that. But if I hadn't done that, Hunter wouldn't be here. It's all just life. I can't change my past actions/choices, but I can interact with Hunter and with people around me in a manner that reflects "healthiness" that I would like to instill on him. Not over care-taking, not drinking to avoid any thing in my life, not chasing bad men, not taking care of myself, not asserting myself in all my relationships --personal and work -- to clearly state what I need and holding others accountable for what they say they will do but not punishing people who don't. All that and more. The way I handle myself will carry over to him. He will model me and get his "basis" of how to be in life from me and from my ex and I am so glad that I have improved myself in the last year or so to a point where I feel confident that I can give him a pretty good example to follow. Knowing, of course, that no matter what I do or don't do that he could turn out to have a highly successful life or a highly difficult life, and that's largely up to him. But the strength of mind to succeed comes somewhat from parents and the mental health to not let everyday life drag you down comes somewhat from parents too, so I'm hoping that in the roulette wheel of life, that I will improve his chances for happiness and successful life.
Below, I'm repeating some of your e-mail to respond to it...
"You see, my husband is the overt controller--he drives, sets the temperature in the house, determines when and how high the windows go up, determines what we need for "our" house, what goes in "our" garden, how and when I do the dishes, what type of soap goes into the washer, ect ect--and I'm supposed to handle all the details--I'll please him and make it all happen. So he's the dominant man controlling the world, I scramble to make it happen and in a more insidious way, try to control him by controlling how he feels and what he thinks of me. Well, we all know this story. He's never happy enough, I always fail in some measure, he gets angry and punishes me, until he decides to forget it. Then I am relieved for the short period of 'happiness.""
Shelly -- the above is JUST HOW IT WAS with my ex. He complained about how I did dishes all the time. He didn't like that I put the dish drainer dryer on the counter and stacked dishes in it there -- he said it was stupid and a waste of our limited counter space and I should rinse and stack in the second sink basin -- but for me it didn't work with the way I do dishes. I use the second basis to do a full rinse and if dishes were stacked there, it would get in the way and ruin my method. But my method was WRONG according to him and his was RIGHT. That in itself wasn't what bugged me so much, it was his whole attitude toward my dish-washing preferences. He was flippin' DISDAINFUL and JUDGMENTAL about how I did dishes. An attitude I should have shut down or ignored and dismissed right away, but instead I took it to heart, thought I was WRONG, and felt like I was an inadequate housekeeper. Perfect co-dependency!
And the Bush Gardens thing. YUP! My ex could be in a situation/place with buddies and have a good time, but with me he was unhappy or bored or bitching about the event/place. He would go to hunting camp with his ex-girlfriends' family and talk about what a wonderful time he had, how good of a cook his ex-girlfriends mom was, etc. But at my family events, he would be distant, aloof to my family and be really distant to me. He never seemed to try to get to know my family or become part of my family, yet he always talked about how much fun he had with her family. YUCKY!
Shelly, I know you've visited this site before, but I strongly urge you to check out this part of the Dr. Irene Verbal Abuse site below. These questions and the docs’ answers were a big part of my understanding and recovery process. It really helped me learn better ways to handle overt and covert abuse and got me thinking about my own abuse patterns and co-dependency patterns. I know you have done a lot of exploring in this already, but this Q&A format was especially helpful to me!!!! I think Dr. Irene is the BEST! http://www.drirene.com/yak/docs_answers1.htm
I'm flattered that you and your mom think I'm so wise. I don't know if you are right! I try to be aware and do my best. This psychic I saw once said my greatest gift was my ability to see both sides of everyone and everything and my strong analytical abilities. She said I would use this gift to help people someday. She said I was one of the most balanced people she has ever "read." I was amazed b/c at the time I felt very unbalanced. (In the middle of my “ex” saga.) I guess I feel funny touting myself, but I think my ability to read and integrate concepts into my life and my ability to relate to all levels of people, from disadvantaged people to bank executives in my job has helped me a lot. I can adapt to any situation and fit in and I feel I can a good sense of why people are doing what they are doing or the challenges they face. I read people quickly. This is different from judging them. I'm talking about a general sense of the dynamics that drive their lives and their behaviors. I think that helps me learn new aspects of getting along in life quickly as I'm open to all possibilities in life and people -- rather than narrowing my world view to my personal experiences, upbringing. Anyway, once I decide to research something, I go FULL FORCE. I have read probably 20 books in the "self-help or spirituality" genre in the last year and have seen the connections between books and concepts that others may not make.
I think I have formed in my own mind an integration of many aspects of taking care of the self, finding happiness, handling abusive people, asserting yourself and seeing reality, and if I could get my arms around my thoughts, I may be able to write about it and share it with others (maybe make money too!) I guess though my reading and research and just plain constant contemplation and analyzing why things are the way they are and why I am and do what I am and do, I have largely healed myself. I feel the need to document this spiritual, healing journey I've been on for a year somehow. I just have to have the courage to do it.
On a lighter note: My new dating adventure is going very well, given his recent divorce and the changes he (Jamie) is experiencing right now. With moving into a different house and the associated work with that, buying a lot of new household stuff and financial worries, getting used to the custody arrangement of his daughter, which is 50/50, just like I have with my ex. He does treat me like a woman, not an object. I'm trying not to analyze the relationship too much, because that's what I always to and it backfires most times. My mantra is to live in reality with him and not let my fantasy of what a relationship "should" be take over, so that I disregard the information/actions that don't fit with the fantasy, and get myself back into another my ex-like situation, where I lose myself and turn a blind eye to red flags for LOVE. It's great to practice what I preach. I take care of me; I let him take care of him. I'm not perfect at this, and of course, I assist him and care take him and he does for me too, but I don't do it at the expense of myself, and I don't expect him to care perfectly for me or get mad when he doesn't meet my exact need at the exact time and in the exact manner I need it. But when he's being distant, I pull back, and that seems to work. With my ex, I would pursue him when he distanced and that just made it worse. Dawn
Subject: The "crazy making" continues
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001
From: Tammy
To: Shelly
Hi Shelly, I am back from my conference in Boise, tiring trip but enjoyable. I am so good when I am away, but as I start out of Spokane for home I begin to get physically ill. I get chest pain, my neck and shoulders become very tight. My thoughts run wild then the next thing I know I am crying over the same shit different day stuff again. Then of course I have a headache after that. By the time I come through the door I am so worked up I just go off. When I
came home tonight my ex-H (who hasn’t moved out of the house yet, even though we are divorced!) was on the Internet typing an e-mail to Melinda about counseling. I asked what he was doing and then said he had no right to be on the Internet because it is my computer and I pay for the service. So he said then I can just cut up my own firewood because I didn't help get the logs in.
What is really up-setting me is that since the divorce was final two months ago he has bought two pure bread Suffolk mares and a brand new car. My H couldn't wait until he was out of the house before rubbing my nose in it. He has always maintained that I spend all the money eating out and spoiling the kids, buying them things they don't need. So as soon as he was rid of me he had to prove that he was right and he made sure I was right here to see it. He also makes sure I see the hotel room bills and dinner out receipts from his weekends away with his whore. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams and I don't know what to do about it. I have to pull myself together and work at seven o'clock in the morning. Plus I hadn't even said hello to Benny before I was in a fight with my ex and crying. When I say "you just don't get it," then he says I don't either and sarcastically says I didn't do anything it's all him, I didn't do anything wrong and that he wishes he were perfect like me.
As you know we have a horse logging business, Johnson Horse Logging. We owned 5 cross bread horses. After we got settled in the house on Philleo Rd. I started working as many hours as I could get, the majority of which were
on call hours. He also started working as much as he could. So we bought the first two horses from his dad for $500.00 each. I wrote the check myself. Soon we added a third also $500.00 paid in full to his dad. Then he got his
first logging contract to log 200 acres. So I worked at the hospital and he cut back to two days a week so he could log. As the money came in from the job we bought fencing and barn building materials and other farming equipment. We bought a dishwasher, which was my main Christmas present along with my stocking. We bought a few things for the house, hot water tank, maintenance stuff.
Anyway time went on the cycle of abuse continued and then we bought two more horses, but by now money was getting a little tighter. He with only two days a week and Melinda in high school. We were getting to the point of needing a new car and truck badly. Needing to set aside money for Melinda to go to school, we had started mutual funds in Boise but they had not done as well as we had hoped they would. Our house payment took all of one of my paychecks a month. Benjamin was doing great at soccer, which meant playing club soccer instead of rec. league. The kid’s activities and needs seemed so great financially. So I had an opportunity to take a job traveling for a mobile MRI with an increase of $2.50/hr, mileage paid, meals reimbursed and full time work. He said he thought it would be a great chance for me and for him. My H claimed he could get more involved in the kids activities and we could really use the money. So I took it on the condition that he would help with the house. I make up a schedule of chores, one week MJ had kitchen duty and BJ had laundry. My H would supervise to insure everything ran smoothly and everyone would pick up after themselves, utopia. Right? He never did anything except yell at the kids, blame the kids, and complain that I was never home.
I took this job in March 3 years ago, in April 3 years ago he started up a "friendship" with his whore and uneducated housekeeper at the hospital. Her ex husband is in jail for selling drugs, she has an 8yr old and a 13yr. old both with different fathers and has slept with two other women’s husbands destroying those families/marriages but not ending up with the guy. She was actually dating and converting her religion to marry a single guy at the hospital. When their little friendship started, she dumped her lower income lab tech like a hot potato to peruse my husband. In August of 1999 he asked for a divorce. I said let’s go to counseling he said absolutely not. I said, “Let’s separate,” he said “Absolutely not. I want a divorce.” In January of 2000 he started sleeping with her, but still came home to me every night. I did not find out about the affair until that April and I asked him if he would stop seeing her until we were divorced, he discussed this with her and they agreed. I also asked if he had used protection, he looked at me as if this was the first time anything like this had ever crossed his mind, stuttered and said (now keep in mind this is an educated BS RN I am talking to) "She's clean." Needless to say I was livid. How could he have had so little respect for me as to not even protect me from her sexual history? I told him I was going get tested a suggested that he do the same. She was angry beyond belief for me asking about her sexual history, which made me think maybe he has found his soul mate.
Anyway I feel better venting some of this so I really need to get to bed. I love you, write to you soon. TB
Go to Section three: It's not just us they abuse