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An Email Trail of
Self-help:
Stopping Abusive Relationships
Contents
Subject: Saw Tammy and she wants to know who the abuser is
I Don't Have a Black Eye, it’s just Dark Circles
Why Do Fundamentalists Act Like God Hates Women?
I Reformed his Behavior, but not his Heart
Independence vs. a Committed Loving Relationship
A Comfortable Life can be had Without a Man
Subject: Our egos sometimes make us think we’re in love
My Strategy is this: Take Care of Me
Subject: Letter to my daughter
Subject: Why are YOU moving out?
Subject: Honeymoons, havens, and hate cycles
When I Returned, He had Shaved his Head!
He Cries and Says He Misses Me
I Don’t Want Him Disapproving of Me all the Time
Subject: Don't forget that it's up to him
Subject: The counselor is right
He Wants Me to Empty Shit from a Bucket because He Said so
Subject: Meet his criticism with, “hmmm, so that is what you think”
Subject: Saw Tammy and she wants to know who the abuser is
Date: Monday, May 27, 2002
From: Shelly
To: Wonderful Women
Dawn, I can't wait to hear about your new house. I am so glad you are doing this for Hunter and you. Wise, decision. Let me know your new address. I want to send a house warming gift. How is your honey adjusting to your changes? This is a good chance to see how he reacts to change. I find that many abusers don't like change unless it is their idea. So this is a good "test" so to speak about attitude.
I have three topics:
Report on Tammy that I hope will spur her on to write.
Comments on a relative, if you think we have it bad!
Update on my learning to cope, which I invite comments and suggestions on.
Report on Tammy. I had a chance to visit with Tammy. She said that she loves this group and reads over all we write and this email group has been a source of strength for her. So even when she isn't responding (she is computer challenged), my former daughter-in-law is with us. She will be writing and sharing soon.
When I stopped by her house (on the way to see my Ann, a relative of mine) she started crying and we held each other. It was so sweet to be there for each other. I love her so much. She went over and over all the things that have occurred since her ex’s affair and his announcing the divorce. The biggest two problems she has right now:
she still loves him and remembers the young man she fell in love with
she is struggling with thoughts that she is the abuser as much as him.
It’s a hard one. But you know Tammy, not only Evan's books but at Dr. Irene's site, she has a section (you can find it under "contents") that lists a page "Who is the Abuser?" It is very enlightening and you must read it. I want to share everything with you wonderful women that Tammy told me, but it’s not my place and I hope she will jump up to the plate and start the dialogue. I see us each in these various levels:
Mom has divorced herself from any relationship with any abusers.
Dawn has left a very abusive relationship and found a relatively healthy man.
Tammy has left an abusive relationship and is still searching for answers.
I am learning how to stop and/or cope with the abuse while in the relationship.
We each have such insight to offer each other and are all in different parts of the problem and solution. But we need each other--or I need you, so don't go away, please!
Comments on my that relative I went to see. I wish she could be a part of this. When I went to visit her, tucked away on a mountainside by the Canadian boarder with nary a neighbor in sight, I first noticed a black eye, then bruises covering her legs. She would hardly look at me. I had a few pretty good conversations with her husband (he is a great conversationalist) but then he would disappear into their bedroom and my relative (lets call her Ann) would go in and I could hear muffled words--angry tones, muffled screams and squeals--it was horrible. Ann would emerge with tears in her eyes and flushed and go do some wifely task--dishes, dinner, or laundry. She could hardly look me in the eye and kept saying how wonderful her husband was and how he was helping with her career. Of course he isn't working and keeps Ann under surveillance. She is not allowed to do the phone or email without him there. She is not allowed to leave the house without him. I could not take her out to have lunch. We all had to go together. They kept leaving me alone in the living room with the "stuff" going on in the bedroom--often for an hour or more. I asked her how she got the black eye when he went to the gym. Ann said, "I don't have a black eye, its just dark circles." I stared at her incredulous--it was turning yellow, you know how they do. Then she hastily added , "well I was rustling with the kids and maybe got it then." I asked how she got the 8 inch burn/gash on her leg and she off-handedly said, "Oh, I don't even remember."
Horrible, horrible. They go to a small fundamentalist church, which they would not take me to. Ann kept saying how awful she was. I told her, "Honey, you don't need to keep berating yourself, we've all done horrible things." She was trying to explain why he wouldn't allow her out of his sight. "You, have to understand Shelly, he doesn't trust me because of things I've done." I tried to tell her how she needed balance in her self-esteem, and she cut me off, "I can't be having this conversation with you! I tell him everything now so I can't hide anything from my husband and I can't talk to you." Understand, I had never said one word about him only told her she wasn't as bad as the self-debasing mantra she kept repeating. When they left me for the second night to sit by myself and overhear her muffled cries in the bedroom, I had to leave. I cut my visit short by two days. Their poor kids living in that sick sick environment! And these two, Ann and her husband, are proud of the way they are raising them! The boys will learn to abuse and their will see being abused as normal. I am totally powerless because my is defending him and would to any authorities, too. I'm sure their church fosters this sick thinking, although I don't know that. Just the religious dogma that they spout gives me this idea. Don't they see that they are no better than the Taliban? Many religious fanatics seem to debase women as their right before God. What the heck is the matter with fundamentalists that they think God so hates women?
I have reached a new plateau, as in, the overt abuse is gone. Now what do I have? A husband who speaks a different language, who won't expose himself in a true give and take relationship, and I have to remain eternally alert to block any attempts at verbal abuse. There can be no real intimacy in this type of relationship. On the Dr. Irene site The Judge wrote about us Targets of Abuse, "That is what really wears the partner down. Not their rage and anger, but your daily frustration and loneliness." so I wear down. Patricia Evans' simple tactics on stopping the abuse worked, that coupled with setting boundaries with consequences. My husband is very nice now, thinks of me, does nice things, and I have to be cold, alert, and like steel to maintain my position. I am married to Mr. Wonderful for all intents and purposes, but I am so lonely. I guess you could say I reformed his behavior, but not his heart. He is a good man and I am a lonely woman. You can stop the abuse but you can't open the heart.
This is what I deal with now: Bob fixed my computer when I had given up (reference the above mentioned meltdown) and I was so grateful. He did a great favor for me because I was going to trash this computer and get another. Now he feels entitled--now he is doing all kinds of "favors" for me with the computers and I don't feel entitled to complain. I finally got up the nerve to write him an email (I was on a trip and pissed because the desktop to my laptop is messed up again because of what he did) and told him my honest feelings and asked him to not do anything to my computer without my permission. He shot back an email and justified his every action. I got home from the trip and he excitedly told me he bought me a "gift"--a new modem for my computer that would make it run faster. He did another nice thing for me and I was aghast.
My old co-dependent and tired self, weakly smiled and sighed. WHY CAN'T HE HEAR ME, why didn't I have the courage to blow my stack? Likewise he wanted me to look for and buy (out of household money) a computer chair for his son. I didn't answer him except to say we have chairs here. Once he realized I wasn’t going to let him buy a special chair for his son (who spends only a few weeks a year with us) out of household money, he got angry and stormed off. I’m tired. Shelly
Sent:
Friday, May 31
From: Dawn
To: Wonderful Women
Wonderful Women, I am glad to hear updates on all of you. I was shocked
at your ’s situation. Denial runs deep. And Tammy is at the yuckiest
spot in
the process of figuring out abuse and getting a hold of codependency.
The spot
where you question your own abusive tendencies and wonder how the blame
for the
break-up should be distributed: 60% to him, 40% to me, etc? One of Dr.
Irene’s
points is that assigning blame is useless, unproductive mind energy. It
is so
hard not to think about fault and blame though when you still love the
guy,
when you still have a large, unspoken, hope that something could be
resurrected
someday. I feel I am of little help here when I say that it is all part
of the
process of recovery from an abusive relationship and regaining or (in
my case)
finding a sense of self and self-respect that is so wonderful. I wish
you
guidance and patience as you go through this process and if you need
any
support or have questions of my take on the process, please write!
Shelly, your sentences stopped me in my tracks. “I guess you
could say I
reformed his behavior, but not his heart. He is a good man and I am a
lonely
woman.”
On one side, I applaud your diligence on getting the overt abuse to
stop and
sticking with the marriage and your personal beliefs on marriage. On
the other
hand, I want to scream, GET OUT. Although it is not easy to find, a man
who is
your friend, who gives you his heart without expectation of return, it,
simply
put, is what you need. I think, you, like me, just cannot live fully
with a man
who cannot share with you. Some women can live with that and find their
friends, children or work or a combo of those, to satisfy their
emotional
sharing needs. But me, I would rather be alone then with a man who
cannot
share. It is too big a disappointment to me, to be with someone, share
my life
and not have my need for emotional intimacy fulfilled. I think if I
would have
stayed with my ex and adopted the attitude of this is mine to bear, I
would
have definitely had an affair at some point to fulfill my emotional
intimacy
needs. Probably a bad part of my personality but that is the truth.
Lately, my ex (the abuser) and I have reached a higher level of true
friendliness in our contact with each other over our son. It feels good
to chat
with him a little instead of being all business-like and it feels good
to share
with him some personal things going on in my life and have him do the
same.
Lately he has talked to me about his feelings about his mom and dad
getting
older, and his grandpa getting very old and sick. He has talked about
some of
his job difficulties and what other kinds of work he would like to do.
He has
admitted that sometimes he feels overwhelmed taking care of Hunter
alone. I
have to say that this caused a flicker of interest to reignite in my
head about
my ex. Could we ever be together and have it be a good, a non-abusive
relationship?
But then, I spent some time at his house last Sunday because Hunter
woke up
there asking for me and called. (Hunter is just beginning to talk on
the
phone.) I had missed Hunter too, so I asked my ex if I could come over
and see
him for a little while. I went over there for about two hours, most of
it
playing outside with Hunter. For awhile I was in the house watching TV
with my
ex and Hunter. I cannot describe what I felt and why I felt it, but
after about
20 minutes in that house (HIS HOUSE) and a few little off-putting
comments made
by my ex either about the TV show or in response to something I asked
him, I
just felt stressed. I felt like bolting out the door. There is this
current of
tension that runs between us. It is not even something you can point to
that
causes it; it is just there. This tension has something to do with
competition
I think but I do not know for sure. All I do know is that it is there,
it is
not going to go away, and I will NEVER live with it again. So the
flicker died
right then and there. Strangely though, ever since, I have been having
dreams
with my ex in them, where is dating me and being a sweetheart and I am
falling
in love with him. Cannot figure that out.
I close on my house on June 26th and will be moving sometime in July
from my
apartment. I should be totally living there by the end of July.
It is a
three-bedroom townhouse in the same attendance area as the Elementary
school my
ex lives right by so it is perfect. I have been planning on buying
something
for two years now so it is good to get to the goal.
Jamie, my boyfriend, is very happy for me and came with me to my second
viewing
of the house to check it out structurally. He is an electrician and has
knowledge of house systems and structure so I was happy he wanted to do
that.
Jamie and I are still dating and keeping the relationship pretty much
at that
level. He is very gun shy about marriage, given his bad marriage only
ending
less than a year ago. We are still great friends but have our bumps,
mostly
having to do with him struggling with his urges to take advantage of
this time
to experience single independence vs. the desire to have a committed
loving
relationship with someone he trusts. It does irk me sometimes that he
is not
sure about what he wants, but mostly, I just enjoy him when we can get
together
and am proud that he calls me when he wants to run an idea or needs to
talk
something over about his life, his feelings, his ex-wife or whatever. I
do the
same with him about my life issues. I guess we are each other’s best
friends
and I am grateful for him, no matter what happens with our romantic
feelings
for each other. I am not sure if we are more friends than lovers, or
more
lovers than friends, but I think over time, I will find out and that
will
determine where we go from here.
That is my update. Please, let’s begin writing more regularly! Take
care of
yourselves! Dawn
Sent: Friday, May 31, 2002
From Georgiana
To: The Ladies
Shelly is in some trouble with her husband and will need some support. She will write when she can and let you all know the particulars. This is a very tricky problem for us, with no easy answers as we can all see.
My decision to abstain from relationships is a very comfortable one for me but you should know that after 55 or so the hormones that insist that we couple-up release their hold a little. I was also sick, fibromyalgia (same as chronic fatigue) causes fatigue, pain and brain fog, not conducive to maintaining a relationship. I was well able by age and physical condition to let that part of my life go. I should also mention that I've had a lot of intense (I won't say love) connections and don't have the feeling that I've missed anything. I also am financially independent and do not need to consider help in that department. I would like to let you all know that a comfortable life can be had without a man. (Male sons not included! Brothers too!) I should add my son and brother to the equation because I have all the male connections without some of the complications.
Dear Tammy - I feel so close to your struggle sometimes, I was just so heart-broken that I couldn't have a long term relationship with a husband! It is still a regret of mine. I just read (again), "Suffering is always felt when we look for love where it can't be had".
Dawn, your advice for Shell is so perfect for what has happened, but we all know that it takes what it takes.
Very happy in the desert!!! Georgiana
Subject: Our egos sometimes make us think we’re in love
Sent: Friday, May 31, 2002
From: Shelly
To: The Ladies
Dear Dawn et al, I am so glad to hear from you. Now Tammy....! she has trouble getting on the 'puter but I'm going to have to call this week end and urge her to be as diligent in and persistence in our recovery group as we were in hanging onto dysfunctional men (albeit we were as dysfunctional as women!). My heart breaks for my yet I know until she stops defending the abuse, that there is little I can do. So, she is in my prayers.
I can't wait to see your house (have many good friends in MN so should be too long before I'm up there bugging you for a room to flop in). Does Hunter like it? Does he have a Hunter friendly room? Nothing that will freak him like that horrible tree that lurched through the window and swallowed the boy in the "They're heeere..." Spielberg classic? Nothing casting scary shadows across his bed? Or car headlights? Take care of our little Hunter's libido (whatever that is) so he doesn't grow up to be a controlling abuser!
Your story about maybe wanting your ex back is a classic! Aren't we something? I was telling Tammy (I was married to her Dad who was an abuser too) that I left him under HORRIBLE circumstances of finding him with my . Even though I wanted desperately a year prior to leave this man because I was not in love with him (but couldn't bring myself to leave a man who had had a heart attack and couldn't work), I entertained thoughts of us getting back together after he and my moved in together! I was trying to tell Tammy about how our egos trick us—it’s a cruel inside joke that our little hearts play on us.
You congratulated my persistence and you spoke too soon. My husband has been showing little bits of irritation that I've been ignoring and the inevitable finally happened. Mom and I figured it would but.... he was so darned calm for so long. I was speaking to Mom on the phone and heard a loud CRASH in the living room underneath the loft/office I was in.
I asked my mate if he was OK, hung up from Mom and tip-toed down the stairs to discover that he'd swiped all the contents off the breakfast bar in a fit of rage. There was no obvious reason for this. We hadn't been fighting or anything. I'm not sure what ticked him off. I told him, “You are not allowed to act that way with me." He angrily replied, "I'll act any God damned way I choose. You can't tell me how to act." So I went to the police. They did an incident report and referred me to the domestic violence hot line. But my partner doesn't know any of this yet.
When I returned to the empty house, I found a note saying that he would give back my laptop when I gave back his wallet. Then tires squealed in the driveway, he stomped in, and demanded his wallet. Of course I didn't have it. This rage-aholic basically called me a liar—but rummaged around and located his wallet himself. It was in the living room. “I didn't put it there,” he stammered. I suggested that it probably flew there with all the stuff he knocked off the breakfast bar. He brought my computer back (he’d stashed in his trunk) and said, “I didn't knock anything into the living room, just a little in the kitchen" (there had been stuff strewn everywhere). I asked, if that was so, why he had to clean up the living room which I’d seen him do as I left the first time? He had rewritten history immediately. There is no dealing with someone who can rewrite history that quickly. In a hostile manner, my H tried to “talk.” I declined any discussion. Divorce city, again. He threatened to call Jan (his ex) and tell her not to send K.(his son) for the summer. What a great idea, I thought.
Naturally Dawn, as you have explained, after he calmed down, he wanted to work it out and suggest what I would do with my land. (this is his current beef that I am going to put a mobile on the land I bought and rent it out for income.) I told him it was none of his business and I wasn't discussing it. God bless me, I didn't try to explain it to him. I am so proud of myself. I wanted to, but I bit my tongue.
I moved my stuff into the down stairs bedroom and figure I'll move into the trailer (my RV right outside the door) as soon as I get it cleaned up. Basically I'm refusing to deal with anything right now. This morning he is sorry, in tears, angry at himself. He asked for us to pray together. We did. I then called the Family Domestic Violence hot line and made an appointment.
Girls it’s getting close. When I move into the trailer, he'll realize I'm serious. He talks about changing, yet has done nothing to facilitate that--only tried to be nicer to me. I talked everything over with Mom. My strategy is this. Take care of me. Wait until something is presented and try to do the right thing. I felt guilty about going to police and calling the domestic violence people, but I do believe it’s the right thing to do. I can't keep blowing it off and "fixing it" myself. My appointment with Noel, the family domestic counselor is Monday--wish me luck and give me feed back.
Sent: Friday, May 31, 2002
From Georgiana
To Wonderful Women
Hi Hon, I was thinking of the biblical seven generations for sin or evil. I forget the exact quote. I was the first in this line to have abusive husbands (men). Mom and my grandma were not the type to put up with any abuse. Nettie (your Dad’s Mom) was abused but not too much according to her generation. It is me, then you, Karma and then Crissy. That's only four. I wonder what it all means? I don't think I did anything so bad so that seven generations will have to suffer?? I also wonder how we would get into a state of grace instead of karma in this situation.
I would miss you terribly if anything happened. You are the single brightest thing in my life. I love you and am so glad I had my "girl". I think you're playing with fire (promise not to dwell on this with you). Your husband is a middle aged man who wants most of the things he has with you. He wants more, but likes what he has. If he suddenly realizes that they are no more, then I don't think anyone could predict what he will do. I sure hope this works out. LLM
Subject: Why are YOU moving out?
Sent: Monday, June 03, 2002
From: Dawn
To:
Wonderful Women
Shelly, I'm proud of how you handled it. That you had the courage to go
to the
police to file an incident report. The "you are not allowed to act that
way with me." statement you said to your H reminded me of something I
read
once on the Dr. Irene site. It was relating a story about an abuser who
said he
can act any way he liked and Dr. Irene's comment to the target of that
abuse
was—“Yes, he can act anyway he likes but you don't have to stick around
for it.”
That advice was profound to me at the time and is still profound for me
now.
Anyway, I am amazed his rage stayed in for so long. Do you think he
finally
blew over the land issue? Was that what put him over the top? Based on
only
tidbits of information, it seems the money, the property issues are the
main
argument between you and Bob. Yes, there are other things, but that one
seems to
be the trigger.
This is my own opinion so take it for that. I don't think you
should be
the one to go live in the RV. HE should or he should go find someone to
live
with or get a hotel room for a while so some space can be developed to
think
and gather both of your thoughts. But HE should leave the house, not
you. It
seems that he will resist this, which is why, I surmise you've thought
of just
going to the RV to save the hassle and the fighting. I don't blame you
for that
but the principle of the matter should be for him to leave (in my
opinion.)
I'm sure your husband thinks he is trying really hard and in reality,
he probably
IS trying really hard. Maybe he is giving all he can give. That's a
hard thing
to swallow if it's true.
Stay safe and stay strong. Call on us for support! Dawn
Subject: Honeymoons, havens, and hate cycles
Sent: Friday, June 14, 2002
From: Shelly
To: Wonderful Women
Hello my lovely friends. Dawn, how is your new place? Do you love it? I
will
really enjoy it when I get there--no plans yet, but we'll see. My
publisher, Hazelden is up there too. So who knows? Maybe some business
soon.
I know we are slowed down here in our group, but I'm taking that as a good sign that all is quiet. My situation is improving and probably not for my husband, but it’s not for me to judge. I visited the Domestic Violence counselor and she is so sweet. Mostly she just lets me talk and states her observations. They gave me a phone to call 911 if he gets violent again. They did not take his breakfast bar incident lightly. Neither did you gals. I had wanted to tell myself, "Not that big a deal. So he cleared off the breakfast bar and stole my computer, he didn't hit me!" I minimize right along with him. So thank you all for helping me keep it in perspective. I have been in my RV for a week now. He tried to talk me out of it. My partner came to me and said he understood now how he's been abusing me and what abuse is. He claimed vulnerability and proclaimed immediate changes. He browsed the Dr. Irene site and reviewed it for hours. My man thought I had written a lot of it and was surprised when entries ended with "and our two kids.." or something that let him know it wasn't me. He was shocked at his insight and how these women are suffering and fighting for their rightful place. He said he'd start counseling and took Patricia Evan's "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" to read.
We both went to his counselor and I told them I am going to be separated from my partner for at least six months. It is heaven in the RV. I don't have to think of him constantly. I don't have to say to myself, "How will he take this? Can I say this thing? Should I wash his clothes so he won't get irritated with me? Can I comment on that film, will he ignore my comment or roll his eye?" I can just simply be me! When I returned from town (after our counseling session) he had shaved his head! "I'm going to prove to you that I really can change," my husband told me. I laughed. It was endearing. You see, he can be charming at times--that's what I fell in love with.
But the charm is always short lived. I was working the other night in the loft and he crept up all hang-dogged and uttered, "I don't know how to tell you this" meaning that I get mad at him all the time now, I suspect. "Well," he began "it's about you and black men..." Then he proceeded to ask what it was about me and black men. The man restoring my 9 Rambler is Afro-American and has recently had brain surgery and cannot drive. He is also clean and sober in AA. I drove us to Richmond yesterday to pick up one of my car parts and agreed to take James to an AA meeting this Thursday. My H implied that I was “hanging out” with him. He accused me of "hanging on the words" of another black guy that attends our AA meetings here in Charles City. (Since the population of Charles City is 80% black, its not as if I have a preference for one race over another) "What is it with you and black guys?" he demanded to know. I sat stunned then said, “I don’t want to hear any of your accusations and I wouldn't have to drive James to an AA meeting if you would do your 12 step work and drive him yourself.” My H quickly switched demeanors stating that he trusted me 100% and I called bullshit on him. "You would not accuse me of having a thing for black men if you really trusted me, what is this all about?" I left.
My mate doesn’t completely believe that I mean this separation. I think, if he could, he'd let this whole thing drop and just resume his past behavior. He's made a few moves to get me back into the house and into his bed and I'm not responding. I told Mom the other day that it's simply a matter of time before he blows up at me because I'm not responding to his pleas. He cries and says he misses me. Although sympathetic, I am not responding much. It's the same Honeymoon pattern as far as I can tell, he's just a little more clever by admitting abuse at this point. He's weepy now, but will certainly blow up soon.
My Domestic Abuse Counselor asked me, "What is it you want from him, Shelly? What is the minimum you can accept?" I hesitated because I feel so guilty for taking a stand and moving out. I told her, "I don't want to have him disapproving of me all the time, telling me how to wash the dishes and when to dry the clothes, that I should wash my car, that I drive too slow or fast, I don't want to have him irritated at me all the time, I don't want him ignoring me, slamming doors, telling me what I do that is not right, getting angry all the time in a hundred different ways, blowing up at unexpected moments for things I don't understand, I don't want him insinuating that I am doing something against him when I develop my land--I know," I told her, "that I am . I'm asking for a complete change in him and it’s not fair." She looked me square in the eyes, "I don't think its asking too much for you to want your husband to treat you nicely, with respect. That's all I hear you asking for."
That floored me. Yes, I guess it does boil down to that. I just want my husband to treat me nicely and I want my home to be a haven. Feed back? Updates on everyone else? I hate focusing on me when I want to hear about you guys. Shelly
Subject: Don't forget that it's up to him
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2002
From: Mom
To:
Wonderful Women
Dear Hon, This is part of the process! You are not only doing this for you (you have to) but for him. If he takes this and runs with it then his life will be much better (as we know). Don't forget that it's up to him and it takes what it takes. He has done this before and then when he thought things were back to normal he just went back to his old self. He said he knew things were getting bad for a long time and he did nothing! He really has to change for his own sake. And it's none of your business. You are being who you are now. Strong, brave and intelligent. He's lucky to be with you because instead of kicking him out and washing your hands, you did what was necessary for you both. But don't forget that now it's up to him. He has all the information necessary to improve his life. Your job is to stand firm, which also saps your energy and is not who you are (you can help anyone, if they will let you). I think this is the hardest for you, to stand by and let him sink or swim! LLM
Subject: The counselor is right
Sent: Thursday, June 20, 2002
From: Dawn
To: Wonderful Women
Shelly
and all, Your letter brought back old bad memories. The relief I
felt
when I was in my own space after leaving my ex. How good it felt
to not
have his criticisms--spoken and unspoken--at me 24/7. And your
answer to
the Domestic Abuse Counselor could have been said by me two years ago
(all
except the land part; that could have been switched to my investments
and still
fit though).
The counselor is right. You are asking to be treated nicely and
with respect.
I don't know why it is so difficult for some to do this seemingly very
natural
thing to the ones they love. But they can't. I pray for his
transformation in this area. It would certainly change my view on
abusers
if your husband could transform.
Jamie and I don't live together but he doesn't do those things, doesn't
tell me
how or when to do stuff, how to drive, bitch about how I do it,
question my
choices, rip on my chosen activities or preferences. He doesn't
even get
mad when I'm late. He just sort of expects it and takes it in
stride.
I can't tell you how many times I've been cringing at walking in a door
thinking he was going to yell or be distant b/c I was late and he
didn't even
act as if he noticed. My "training" with my ex taught me to
expect punishment for my flaws, and I still get that anticipatory
feeling when
my flaws are apparent. Anyway, I'm trying to say that there are
guys who
can handle us how we are and not get MAD or DISTANT. It's still
an
amazing thing for me to experience and witness.
Shelly, keep on your track. The right thing to do will be
revealed as you
say. I think you are doing the right thing right now. Dawn
Sent: Friday June 21, 2002
From: Shelly
To: My Sisters/s
We are spiritual sisters/mothers/s, aren't we? Tammy is lurking in the back ground. She has tons to share but isn't jumping in. I want to control (as the controlling step mom that I am--grin) but I know in her own time she will do what is best for her. Tammy you are so dear to me, I just want you to know that you are free to do what you want even though I want you to do what I want! It's wonderful that I can see how my controlling tactics--there was a time when I couldn't/wouldn't see it. I was "helping them" "doing it for their own good" and being a know-it-all. I still think I'm a know-it-all; I just don't think others have to listen to me.
My husband just went in on an emergency basis for medication. He told me he didn't know why he did what he did or does what he does. He tried desperately to get me to move back in the house and I simply said "No." He cried, begged and then attacked. I drove the guy who is fixing my ‘59 Rambler to a meeting and will be driving him to a lot of meetings. We live in the country and James is only in his second year of sobriety. His brain surgery last month means he can't drive. So we're the only AA's out here and I drive him to meetings. My H asked me "What is it with you and black guys? You seem enamored of them."
Remember how he "got it" he said? He was reading the book? I don't think he got anything. I need to set up a sewage disposal thing for my RV. He had suggested I empty it in a bucket but I don't want to, so I went and bought hoses to stretch to the drain field. He was irritated when he came home, "What happened to the bucket idea?" Why would he even ask? I don't want to carry a smelly old bucket of piss and empty it into a small pipe. I told him so and he then proceeded to tell me every reason why the pipe would leak and I'd smell it anyway and how the hose would get in the way and whatever. I can seldom say anything to him that he doesn't counter it and tell me I'm wrong. I know I'm repeating myself. I know this is the same song and dance I began a year ago. I'm telling you again so I "get it" that he is never going to "get it."
Edgar Cayce had a thing in his inspirational messages today:
. . those that find fault with others will find fault in themselves; for they are writing their own record--they must meet, every one, that which they have said about another; for so is the image, the soul of the Creator in each body, and when ye speak evil of or unkindly to thy brother, thou hast done it unto thy God. Edgar Cayce Reading 487-17
What am I saying about him that I will have to be meeting myself? I worry about this spiritually. Will I have to have someone see that everything I do is wrong? He tries so hard and still criticizes me. Does my criticism of his criticism and my fault finding of his anger with me put me in spiritual jeopardy? This confuses me. I want so much to do the right thing and be good to him. I know that being good is right yet I also know that letting him abuse me is not good. Confused a bit.
Dawn, you are sooo right. the relief is amazing. I love being in the RV. Shelly
Subject: Meet his criticism with, “hmmm, so that is what you think”
Sent: Friday, June 21, 2002
From: Dawn
To: Wonderful Women
Sisters,
I have just one quick reaction here before I sign off from my work
computer.
Shelly, I see what you are saying about worrying about criticizing his
constant
criticism and finding fault with his anger (worrying that you are just
responding or thinking of him with the same stuff/emotions you are
complaining
about.)
Once again, I agree and disagree with Cayce. In my opinion, you
may want
to strive to not meet his criticism with criticism or his anger with
anger but
to meet it with a "hmmm, so that is what YOU think." Say that to
yourself or to him and as hard as it is, dismiss it from that point on
from
your head. Way easier said than done but it resolves the
spiritual
issue.
It's back to the same old advice from Dr. Irene and others:
Detach from
what he's saying, what he is criticizing or getting angry about so it
comes to
a point where the criticism is met with nothing more than if he said
"crappy weather today." A comment of his outlook and doesn't
even require a reply or another thought about it. To do that only
lends
it credence. Does that make sense?
It's hard to do at first but with practice, it gets easier to do with
just
about anything that feels like unwarranted criticism, anger or any
other bad
behavior. In summery, I advise-- no SCREAM at you: Stop
ruminating about
his bad behavior. Waste of time. Let me know what you think! Dawn
Subject: My mind wanders to the mess in my life
Sent: Tuesday, July 9th 2002
From: Tammy
To: The Ladies
Hi Everyone, I am having problems with my server and my system having a guy out to check things over. I have to take an important advanced registry exam for my specialty MRI. So I have been trying to study. I am so frustrated with my emotional state. I try to focus on studying and my mind constantly mind wanders to the mess in my life. Everything is so raw still. I am getting so stressed out I need to get some feeling of accomplishment in my life. When I unpack the stuff for the apartment, memories flood my mind and I think, “He should be here with me and we should be doing this and that.” Then I think of his whore and cry for what might have been. I think I should just take all the memories and THROW them away! It is so painful.
If I can just get through the test that will be a big relief then you guy's will be sorry when I have more time to get on line. Right Shelly, next time Bob asks you what's with you and black guys, say--once you've had black you never go back! love you all--TB ..
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 2002
From: Mom
To: Wonderful Women
I can tell you from the space of time that it's best not to destroy things that your children (or grandchildren) will want to see. Pack them in good packing boxes with lots of tape so you can't get in them to torture yourself and put them in your mom's (or somebody's) out of the way (attic or basement) and forget them for 20 years! Be sure to identify them on the outside so they won't be thrown out. You could put a date on them as to when you'll open them again like a space capsule.
The best way to handle such hurtful circumstances is to live well. I can tell you from experience that you can put things out of your mind. I know we tell ourselves that it isn't our fault that we think of all the past but when you catch yourself thinking of how you wanted it to be and it should have been that way (him all loving etc.), you force our mind to think of something else. I used to put a skull and cross bones right in the front of my mind every time I thought of the forbidden one.
Also, every time you waste time in thinking of him and crying, determine that you'll instead do something to improve your life or the life of your children. Make curtains, arrange a fun outing, call a friend, make and write a cute note for one of your kids, keep a journal of your emotional journey to share with a friend or relative that goes through the same thing. You're already improving your work life with the exam! GG
Go to Section Seven: Getting Past the Past