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An Email Trail of
Self-help:
Stopping Abusive Relationships
Contents
Section Seven: Getting Past the PastSubject: I saw that he has to blame me to protect himself.
Subject: I now openly use the word "abuse"
You Spared the Rest of Your Life not Having to Fight His Abuse
Subject: I broke it off with us still remaining friends
Jamie was Putting Me as Less and Less a Priority
I’m Dating a Mature and Distant Man
Subject: Doesn't medicine work wonders?
Subject: Plain old' everyday annoying behavior of men
I Wonder Why I Can't Find a Guy Who Adores Me
Subject: The relationship isn't over until it's over in your mind
Subject: Maybe it wasn't objective abuse, but…
It’s So Simple Not to be Abused
Subject: Everyone in any kind of relationship abuses each other at times.
Subject: Everything isn't abusive, we only get as much as we are willing to take
Subject: If he wants to date me, I come with strings.
Maybe his Problem has been Depression all Along
I Claimed my Name and a Wave of Happiness Washed over Me
You are definitely your own best friend
Subject: I saw that he has to blame me to protect himself.
Date: Sun, 08 Sep 2002
From: Tammy
To: Wonderful Women
Hello Ladies, Hope each of you are well. I took my advanced registry exam for MRI. I won't know if I passed until around the 19th of this month. I have been on vacation for a few days over to Seattle with my daughter. I've been trying to get some things in my apartment organized, and have started sorting out all my self help stuff so I can compile my letter to my H, I have to get him out of me. Georgiana, I meant to thank you for the tape, I listen to it once a week on my drive to Moses Lake. I am still struggling with my ex some. He was on vacation with the kids and he and Melinda had a very bad fight. She called me and I ended up talking to him for two hours all about the same old issues that he chose not to deal with but that keep rearing there ugly head. He made sure I knew that our daughters anger was all 100 percent my fault. Anyway, I had a strange peace after the phone call. I saw that he has to blame me to protect himself. I just hope for his sake and the sake of my kids that he has some support in place when he realizes what he has lost by his own hand. I can see where it is really best for him not to see at this point. Anyway, I am going to try to start my letter and I want to share that with you for your feedback. I am realizing that I have to stop caring so much and I think I am finally starting to let go. It is easier said than done but it's getting better. Hope each of you is hanging in with your relationships. Take time for yourselves. Take care—TB
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 2002
From: Mom
To: Wonderful Women
I'm so glad you are on your way!!!! Your letter even sounds different. I haven't contacted my last abuser since he left. He still calls me at times, I have my old phone that just takes messages. I don't answer but I still get a charge out of him trying to get in good with me. He now realizes how good I was to him, he's getting older and could do with some of that being taken care of. At my age I should have (note should) gotten over such vengeful feelings but it's still one of my small pleasures in life. So there! That tape almost saved my life, I too played it over and over! Good for you.
Anyway, Tammy, I couldn't be more pleased. Your life will continue to get better and better (with all of life's regular bumps) and you will be able to take care of yourself! When we know we can get through such a shattering experience then we know nothing is too much to handle!!!
,-._,-.
\/)"(\/
(_o_)GG (Georgiana, Shell told me how to put this dog on my sig.!!)
Subject: I now openly use the word "abuse"
Date: Fri, 27 Sep 2002
From: Shelly
To: Wonderful Women
Tammy, congratulations for both pieces of good news. First: you passed your advanced registry exam for MRI. But that is not at all surprising as you are as smart as a whip and always have been. I knew you would prevail, but having just pasted the certification test for a Substance Abuse Counselor, I had the same trepidation going into it. Everyone knew I'd do well, but I was anxious.
Next, WOW are you moving forward on the abuser thing. I think the most important idea stated was "I saw that he has to blame me to protect himself." I did finally understand that that was my husband’s big problem with being able to look at the facts and his own truth. It still jabs me inside that he can't really see himself and his contribution to our trouble, but I now openly use the word "abuse" and he has to just hear it. That helps me some.
But the best news for me is that Bob is on medication. He broke down one night and cried and said "I guess you know now that I'm crazy." I wasn't too sympathetic (frankly I saw it as a ploy) but he agreed to see a psychiatrist, was put on medicine (Serozone) and after two months he is transformed. I swear it is so weird! He is a different person; almost the one I wanted to marry. When I first learned how to stop the abuse, I was delighted that it was so simple--you just don't allow it. It really is that simple but took me 50 years to learn. People treat you the way you let them treat you. Well, for the first six to nine months--he didn't abuse me but was seething inside and it made life very "thick" with underlying hostility. I hated it. Then after his last outburst I was on my way out the door, living in the interim in the RV. After every attempt on his part failed to get me back in the house, he had the crying episode and went on the meds. Could it be this simple? I dare not hold my breath, but for now I am married to a regular guy and am somewhat breathing easier.
Tammy, you will flit back and forth about seeing the good in your H and the negative for years to come. But you will be free on the day you wakeup and fully realize in your gut that you spared the rest of your life not having to fight his abuse of you and the part you played in that. He did you a favor and the will come when you know that. I am so grateful to your father and my daughter for getting out of that mess, albeit I would have preferred a different method. But it took several years before I truly felt that in my heart and soul. It will happen for you. Give time time.
Dawn---You asked for feedback on your sharing with us and then we haven't heard from you for ages. You are the very core and strength of this "group." I hope all is well with you. I think of you often. You and Hunter must be in the new place. Is life well and Hunter energetic? Let us know you are OK. Blessings to you all, Shelly
Subject: I broke it off with us still remaining friends
Date: Tue, 01 Oct 2002
From: Dawn
To: All
Hello all, First off, I'm glad to hear that Shelly's relationship is getting better and her husband got help and that Tammy feels calmer at her ex's irrationality. Good for you guys.
My long disappearance was due to receiving a promotion at work in early August and getting a lot of added responsibilities, which kept me off the Internet for the past six weeks. Also, my co-worker who didn't get the promotion because I did, left the group so I had to take on her work on, so I've been putting in 60-70 hours a week. Also, during this time period, I moved into my town home and am still trying to unpack and organize. That and having Hunter has kept me busy in addition to a new guy that I'm dating.
Here's the scoop on Jamie and the new guy. Jamie is the old high school friend I was dating and loved and still love. In early July, I broke it off with him in a very mature fashion. It was getting to a point where he was putting me as less and less a priority for his time, and I was nagging him for more attention. That caused a slippery slope of him feeling guilty and me feeling like a nag, and I just saw no good coming of continuing on that path, so I broke it off because I didn't want resentment to build between us and ruin our longtime friendship that we've built since we were kids.
Anyway, after Jamie began really recovering from his divorce, which was final in Sept, a year ago, he began to explore new activities (he took up cycling and jogging; he started working on losing a bit of weight) and new friendships (he got close to a couple guy neighbors and began doing a lot of social things with them). These new things just pushed me out of his remaining time so much that I was only seeing him once every two to three weeks and wasn't enough for me. So, in mature fashion, I broke it off with us still remaining friends and leaving it up for future partnership if he ever decided to get into a serious relationship again.
Since then, we had one rebound "date" that didn't result in anything and basically we are friends, but I've committed to not seeing him socially for three-six months just to myself b/c it's just to easy for me to slip into wanting him back and making a fool of myself by telling him I love him and all that.
Anyway, in late July, I met and began dating another man, Chris, who I am still seeing. He is a very "together" man-- good job, mature, responsible, has 50/50 custody of his one son, and he tries very hard to meet my needs. He is a decent person to date but I don't think it's headed anywhere beyond that. He is a good interim person for me and I'm not writing off more with him, but I think you will all understand what I'm saying when I say that I can just tell we aren't going to be together long term--that is UNLESS we get a lot closer.
Chris keeps an emotional wall around him. I think mainly because of his ex-wife and how she treated him (abusive). She withheld her feelings from him when he would try to initiate discussions on the deterioration of their marriage and then would write in a journal and leave the journal on her nightstand in their bedroom or other conspicuous places (the coffee table, kitchen table, etc.) He didn't touch the journal for months but one night when she didn't come home from work for the third time in a month and arrived home in the early a.m. and told Chris it was none of his concern where she was, he cracked the journal. In it, his ex said on almost every page that she didn't want to be married to Chris anymore and she didn't love him anymore and how horrible her life was. Chris confronted her on it and she turned on him and said, "HOW dare you read my journal." Yet that was her hope all along. You see the abuse/manipulation there.
Anyway, that was just ONE of the things she did to him, among many other horrible things. And I'm sure he wasn't an angel but if only 1/2 of what he's saying is true, he dealt with some really bad stuff. So he's a little closed off emotionally. That won't work for me in the long term, but I'm trying to just enjoy a slow-paced relationship for once in my life.
He has faults too-- like he teases me too much. When I told him this, he was hurt, but he did reel it in a lot. In talking to him about it, I've learned that his family of origin talks to each other mostly by teasing and making fun, but, in my family--that is not done. So we don't match there. I do believe that he doesn't intentionally mean to hurt me when he teases me but he still does and I've told him so and repeat it as needed. I know I'm not supposed to say I'm too sensitive, but I know I am more sensitive than most people when it comes to teasing and know I need to be with a partner that doesn't communicate that way primarily and it seems that Chris does-- so that is really my main reason right now for not seeing a future with him. Well that and his emotional wall. But I overanalyze, don't I? Anyway, I'll try to keep in touch more but things are still crazy at work so I can't promise. Love ya, Dawn
Subject: Doesn't medicine work wonders?
Date: Fri, 04 Oct 2002
From: Shelly
To: Wonderful Women
God it feels good to have us back in communicating again. This has been a real lifeline to me and I feel "abused" (JOKE!) when I can't stay in touch.
Yes, you analyze a lot. Me, too. I couldn't see much good about my husband and repeated every misconduct and abuse in a whiny way. Yet, I needed to identify and clarify what I wasn't willing to live with. It didn't seem possible to ferret them out without analyzing it to death and getting your feedback so I could SEE it. For me it’s great, because right now that he's not emotionally abusing me, I can tell the difference! Yes, he does things that irritate me. Yes, he says something stupid once in a while; yes, he has the yard torn up for the umpteenth time and it drives me crazy, but none of these are abusive. They a re normal behaviors. And also, I occasionally try to "fix" something and invite the old patterns to begin again. So it’s nice when I can see it and stop. Doesn't medicine work wonders? My guy is even enrolled in a Tuesday night men's group and I had nothing to do with him going!
Dawn, you wrote: "He's a little closed off emotionally." You wrote that about the new guy and yet that was Jamie's thing too. Jamie's neglect of you was screaming at us between the lines of your emails. No, he didn't "abuse" overtly--it was one of these covert things. Possibly, he was absolutely up front with you that you were not and probably would never be a priority with him, I don't know. But why would you want to see guys that you have to fight to get on the top of their list? You are so wonderful and insightful. A great Mom. A dedicated worker. Intelligent. So many things that I wonder what (as Dr. Phil says) the pay off is for you not to date guys that adore you?
Believe me, I have asked myself the question a lot about what I thought I was doing continually setting up the thing of me "earning" my love by rescuing or fixing the men in my life. The pay off was, I suppose, that they would adore me once they saw my worth to them. But so many guys would adore me in the first place, why wasn't I with them? Sigh.
Tammy--going to make tons more money so you can come and visit? Oh, Dawn, I should be up that way next spring on my way to Alaska. I will stop and visit. I may be giving a lecture locally too. Will be nice to meet you. Shelly
Subject: Plain old' everyday annoying behavior of men
Date: Fri, 04 Oct 2002
From: Dawn
To: All
Ladies, Hello all. Shelly, I'm glad things are still going well with your guy and that you are seeing the difference between abuse and plain old' everyday annoying behavior of men. Yes, I know, I'm male bashing! I'll stop.
Also--Yes, come visit when you are in the Northland. I'd love it.
I hear what you are saying about being with men that don't adore me. It's a primary pattern of mine. I have been with men that do adore me (almost too much; kinda stalker like) and I have never liked that and end those dating relationships quickly. My previous pattern (with my ex and pre-my ex) is to go for the aloof and emotionally closed off guy and try to get him to change and love me. I don't do that anymore. Jamie wasn't emotionally closed off or aloof so I call that progress. Aloof is different from cautious. Jamie was cautious, but he wasn't unavailable or aloof. Chris, my current dating guy, is too new to call.
I have to say that I never did and still don't see Jamie's putting me low priority as abuse. The reason: Because he never claimed to place me in a higher position. He never said 'I love you', didn't commit to a long-term relationship and was upfront about what he wanted, which was to date me and have fun and retain our friendship if the dating ended. That said, he did put me as a low priority, especially toward the end, and that didn't work for me, so I broke it off. I don't feel abuse went on at all. Now, my ex, (Hunter's father) is a different thing. I classify his low prioritization of me and our relationship as abuse b/c he DID proclaim he loved me, he chose to build a life (ha) with me and he wanted all the benefits of the partnership, aside from the emotional ones. Saying that and setting up household with me and then not BEHAVING accordingly is abuse, in my opinion. Jamie's behavior went right along with what he said and with the limits of what he could offer that he clearly stated. Now, I think there was a time period of a few months where we did get really emotionally close and I don't know if it scared him, but he backed off from it and then began making me a really low priority, etc. and here we are now... friends, not lovers.
Anyway, I often wonder myself why I can't just find a guy who adores me-- a guy who adores me and yet isn't the stalker-like guy. I dated a guy once who, mere weeks after meeting, was making plans to move to my suburb so we could be nearer to each other. That's TOO much. I just want a normal guy who isn't perfect but who totally falls in love with me. Can't seem to find it or maybe I push it away. I don't know. I think it will be one of the biggest questions of my life.
As for Chris, the guy I'm dating right now, he's clearly still not over his ex-wife. Even with how bad she treated him, he has forgiven her and still loves her. He hasn't "let go" yet. Yet he's trying to move on. He's dated quite a bit in the last two years, since his divorce but hasn't given his heart to anyone since the ex. Still loving the ex makes it hard for him to have more than a fairly casual dating relationship with other women. I think he likes me but he won't let himself "feel" for another woman b/c he's still hung up on the ex, even though he doesn't WANT to be hung up on her. The thing is a relationship isn't over until it's over in your mind; it doesn't matter when the divorce papers were stamped. What matters is the emotional END. Kind of makes me want to bail out and leave it open for him to call me again if he thinks he might want to venture deeper with me than just casual. What do you guys think? Dawn
Subject: The relationship isn't over until it's over in your mind
Date: Sat, 05 Oct 2002
From: Tammy
To: Wonderful Women
Ladies, Hello all. Dawn, interesting stuff in the last two e-mails. It is so hard for me to even think about dating. It has been over twenty years since I dated so I have no advice on that. What I am learning is that it takes time to get over loving someone. Dawn you seem to have met some atypical guys. Jamie taking up cycling, jogging, weight loss, new friends, all things I was advised to do, get a fresh start. It's good he is working through stuff maybe he will be better in his next relationship. Chris sounds nice, but you are right to be cautious until he let's go. I found it really helpful to hear your take on letting go, "...relationship isn't over until it's over in your mind..." That puts my personal struggle in a nut shell. Tammy
Subject: Maybe it wasn't objective abuse, but…
Date: Sun, 06 Oct 2002
From: Shelly
To: Wonderful Women
Hello all, About it not being "abuse". Yes, Dawn, you are right that he was up-front and so it wasn't objective abuse, of course. But don't you suspect that we place ourselves in positions where we invite abuse? I mean he didn't abuse you, but what were you doing? I don't mean this in a derogatory sense, really, I'm gathering information. I invited my husband to misuse me. I set it up so he could rely on me to do everything, then I wanted his respect. He did rely on me for everything and blamed me for everything and accused me of everything and took me up on my offer to fix his world for him. Did he respect and love me for all this; did I ultimately earn his love as I set out to do? No, it spun out of control into down right emotional abuse. The more I gave, the more he felt entitled to.
Then through this group, Dr. Irene, Co-dependents Anonymous, my mom, and Patricia Evan's books, I found out it is soooo simple not to be abused. You simply don't allow it! It's so simple as to be the proverbial "Can't see the forest for the trees!" People can't abuse you if you don't let them. So the abuse is more coming from inside us--than from them. I mean because we allow it, excuse it, invite it, rationalize it, embrace it: their taking us up on it is in their court, but Christ--if we simply say "No" you can't do that to me, it stops! People treat us only how we let them treat us—it’s so true. I suppose volumes could be written about why we begin this process and we can blame the way society and our parents prepared us to be women--but in the end, at least here in America--we allow the process and thus it is.
Now you--It was obvious to us in the group that Jamie was letting you be low priority right out of the gate--and yet you kept telling us the you two were "working on it" getting closer, talking things out--when in reality wasn't he right from the gate telling you "You are not the one." And you didn't want to believe it? You were going to make this turn out differently? This Dawn, is my weakness--some how, some way I will get "this" (whatever my current "this" is) to bend to my will. I think letting Chris go is a great idea, unless you just want another Jamie. Apparently, you are not allowing them to overtly abuse you, just covertly--the kind that springs from your own breast and patterns. You wrote:
My previous pattern (with my ex and pre-my ex) is to go for the aloof and emotionally closed off guy and try to get him to change and to love me. I don't do that anymore. Jamie wasn't emotionally closed off or aloof so I call that progress. Aloof is different from cautious-- Jamie was cautious, but he wasn't unavailable or aloof. Chris, my current dating guy, is too new to call.
I'm not so sure you are right about this--I'm not sure you are wrong either—again, I'm using our group as a sounding board for discussion. "Jamie was cautious, but he wasn't unavailable or aloof?" But he was emotionally closed off to you being the woman in his life. This was clear from the start. He used you as a friend, a fill in, a "soothe me" pacifier for his pain (now don't take offense because we all use each other and this is not a bad thing) and I think if you really looked deep you could see that he gently misled you that there might be "hope" a tiny seed of hope that he might come to love you and you might be the ONE for him.
You know, men know usually within the first hour if this woman is the ONE. It's true. Very good research has shown this. Women take considerably longer, up to a month! There are many reasons for this. Generally it’s pretty accurate. A woman fits a preset pattern in his mind or she doesn't. Men don't think like us, Dawn.
Oh well, I'm gathering too much info! Forgive me. But its sooo interesting what we are going through. I love and admire each one of us. Shelly
Subject: Everyone in any kind of relationship abuses each other at times.
Date: Tue, 08 Oct 2002
From: Dawn
To: Wonderful Women
Shelly and all, I am on board with discussion--even when it's about me. I, too, think this group is a forum for discussion and analization of abusive relationships (especially male-female types) and do not take offense at opinions discussed among us. In that spirit, see my comments in italics interspersed within your’s from your last e-mail.
"Now you--It was obvious to us in the group that Jamie was letting you be low priority right out of the gate Yes, and I let him know by staying in it that that was OK to treat me as a low priority. --and yet you kept telling us you guys were "working on it" getting closer, talking things out We did have intimate talks and times but ultimately getting closer was my dream, not his --when in reality wasn't he right from the gate telling you "You are not the one." and you didn't want to believe it? Yes, I didn’t want to believe it. You were going to make this turn out differently? This Dawn, is my weakness--some how, some way I will get "this" (whatever my current "this" is) to bend to my will. Yes, mine too, maybe only in love though. I want the guy to find out that he really does love me. I think letting Chris go is a great idea, unless you just want another Jamie. Yeah, I hear you. I’m on the fence on Chris. Apparently you are not allowing them to overtly abuse you, just covertly--the kind that springs from your own breast and patterns." I don’t even call Jamie’s behavior covert abuse. Maybe I have a stricter definition of it. I think everyone in any kind of relationship abuses each other at times. It’s the frequency and the level of it that determines if it is “manageable” or not. Don’t get me wrong, abuse is never right or appropriate.
Anyway, I think Jamie is a classic post-divorce case just trying to figure out who he is as a single person and getting involved too quickly with someone after the divorce. He and I were poor timing and probably I not his ONE.
I'm completely serious when I say -- HIS LOSS! I am confident that I am worthy of love. It's just finding a guy ready to give it-- when both timing and perspectives on love intersect. Talk to you soon! Dawn
Subject: Everything isn't abusive, we only get as much as we are willing to take
Date: Sun, 13 Oct 2002
From: Mom
To: WW
Hi, Just thought I'd put in my two cents worth, mostly because I've tried to help some of my friends and they don't "get it". If the relationship is not to be taken seriously for any number of reasons then of course "neglect" isn't abuse.
I have a friend in Alaska who just got out of a very abusive relationship with no physical blows and she started another relationship after a year or so. This new man would e-mail her (he lived in the lower 48) and state his undying love. Then she wouldn't hear from him for a week or so, she would telephone him and they would talk, he would say things like his last marriage ended badly and when he got too close to someone then he'd pull back. Then he would call and e-mail for a few weeks and then again pull away. This went on in various forms for years. He would take off with his friends for weeks on end motorcycling around the country, but never came up to see her for two years.
It seemed clear to me that this confusion and keeping her off center was just another way to control and was very abusive. My friend couldn't see it, she kept trying to be the kind of woman he wanted and she kept trying to be sweet enough to heal his previous bad feelings!
I also have a nephew that was living with a nice woman who had a little girl. He is a very sweet person but he wouldn't commit. He kept saying things like he didn't think he would ever marry, his parents had a bad marriage and he didn't think it was ever necessary to marry. I think he finally got her a ring but still said he didn't want to get married. I don't know how often or if he led her on by saying to wait a few years or what. I do know that the woman he met after they broke up was his from the moment he met her. He begged her to marry after a few weeks and they've now been married for 10 years.
I don't know when the stories become abusive, but for my friend in Alaska it kept her reeling for years and I think it's cruel. It's also a somewhat typical story from many men. I know everything isn't abusive, we only get as much as we are willing to take. So simple, you just don't let them take advantage. How could I have missed such a simple thing for most of my life??
Hope you're doing OK Tammy, just start dating with all the anxieties; soon you'll be the belle of the ball! Love ---
\/)"(\/
(_o_)GG
Subject: If he wants to date me, I come with strings.
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002
From: Dawn
To: Wonderful Women
Georgiana, Hi. Thanks for your stories. Sad to say, but I hear stories like the ones you wrote about all the time. GET THIS: Last night Jamie called me to see how I was doing and hinted toward getting together and then when I didn't bite, went into how much "energy" we have together, etc. I was nice but stood my ground, didn't weaken and agree to meet for a "no-strings" night. I told him (again nicely) that if he wants to date me, I come with strings. Period. I think he was surprised that I stood my ground. I've shown him a lot of weakness before. I am weak in love/lust, but I didn't falter this time. I am proud of myself. It feels good to not accept crumbs when you want the whole loaf of bread. I'd rather starve. Shelly, where are you? Dawn
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 08:37:34 -0700
From: Mom
To: Dawn
Hi Dawn - I got a trill of pride too from just reading it! Great, wish I had the opportunity to learn all this 40 years ago! Shell is an extra on a movie in Richmond starring Angelica Huston. I haven't heard yet but wouldn't be surprised if they've made her a lead! Love, Georgiana
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002
From: Shelly
To: Wonderful Women
Dear Dawn, et al, It made me happy to read of your resolve Dawn. If I was in love with someone and still young, I don't know if I would have the strength not to say "Yes," then hope he would come around somehow, some way. I remember trying to figure out the relationship stuff in my first few years of recovery. I was semi-dating one guy, a man named "Tucker" who played a piano in the bars and was sooo sexy. I began fantasizing about him and how we might make this great family. At the point of having our first sexual encounter, I was thrilled because I felt he was beginning to fantasize about me too. Just before we "did it" he mentions, "Oh, you understand, don't you, that this is just a casual fuck?" I was so shocked that I couldn't react. We had sex (ruined for me, of course) and I collected my wits and never saw him again. In a personal sense, I mean. He was a member of our young people’s group so I interacted with him all the time. My cousin (also in the program and a realist) started calling him "CF" for "casual fuck." We were all astounded at Tucker's nerve. Although he was "honest" with me that sex with me meant nothing to him, I still call his using my fantasies like that as abusive. Old CF was so blatant that I did not allow myself to be used beyond that one night, but if he'd been a touch more subtle, I would have! Dawn, you are wise beyond your
years.
I was an extra in a movie with Angelica Houston (Iron-jawed Angels). It's about women's suffrage. It’s so perfect for me to be in a movie fighting for women's rights. They worked us like dogs though. If it weren't for the fact that men were extras too, I'd say we didn't get very far! Anyway, I'm a movie star or at least an extra movie star! (smile)
My H is doing very well. So well it’s almost spooky. He is taking his Serizon and has transformed into the man I wanted to marry in the first place. Last night he took me to the Home and Garden show after he got off work. I used to have to beg him to take me places--any place. When he did concede, he would act so put out that it always ruined what we did do together. Now my H is asking me to go places all the time! My man is treating me with respect and care, and just a sweet guy. He's working on my Rambler (the one I'm restoring) and seeing that it is put together right. I can't tell you about all the changes except to say we are in a normal marriage now. The one thing I can say is that after I got out of the co-dependency role and fix-him fantasies, the problem of abuse was his. I simply stopped allowing it. At first, I was on my way out of the marriage because he couldn't get a grip. After pressuring me, having tantrums, being a bastard most of the time, he broke down and cried one night and decided he was crazy. My partner decided to go to a psychiatrist and began medication. Maybe it has been depression and brain chemistry problems all along? If this is so, this may be very hopeful for other women with men who abuse, are unreasonable and take it out on their wives--maybe a lot of them are brain chemistry challenged?
As for me? I'm letting my guy know that this is the man I want to stay with. We are even planning to build another place together on my land as an investment so can eventually build our dream home. I never thought I would do another thing with him. It seemed divorce was the only sensible option and almost overnight that all changed. Well, it’s been too soon to make any bets on it, but I’m a happy camper. Blessings to all! Shelly
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002
From: Tammy
To: Ladies
Hi Ladies, I have accidentally found a great magazine-- "O" (Oprah). I don't usually buy magazines since I work in hospitals and clinic I always just steal them from the various waiting rooms. Anyway, one day I p/u "O". It was the first magazine that I have ever read from cover to cover, so I actually "wasted" my hard earned cash on a subscription. Because of my MRI registry test being all consuming of my time, I got way behind on the reading of my magazines. So in the July 02, issue of "O" there was an interview with Brandy, I guess she is a young pop singer. Anyway, she was in a verbally abusive relationship. Her mother could see but Brandy wouldn't listen, she had a complete break down. After she got out of the hospital and was doing a little better, her mom got her a book. You guessed it--Patricia Evans, Verbally Abusive Relationships. It was great to see this article; at the end of the article was a check list from the book to test if you are being abused. It is so amazing how we think as women we have come sooo far yet there is still so far to go.
Anyway I am now obsessed with this magazine and am still three issues behind on the reading but there have been some really helpful things about truth and confession. Many things I need to learn and apply. There is a section in every issue with questions or games to motivate you toward the theme of each issue, i.e. adventure, fun, confessions, etc. So I was reading the fun issue and the question was what name best expresses your real self. They wanted you to be creative and make up fun names, but what came to my mind was how I had felt strange taking back my maiden name after the divorce. For the first few months I was always upset if someone got it wrong. All my life I've always hated (well hate is too strong a word), never liked my name that much. But as I sat there with that in front of me I said I am Tammy Bullock, Tamera Ann Bullock and a wave of happiness sort of washed up. I realized there was a certain comfort in having my old name back, like a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. Someone who, even though it had been a long time, still knew me, the real me. We picked up right where we left off as if no time had pasted. Yes, real comfort from my old friend...me! If you get a chance read "O". Love ya all---TB
Fri, 25 Oct 2002
From: Shelly
To: Wonderful Women
Tammy, It's incredible. You really get it now! The woman I love in you is emerging from the shadows and stepping into the light. You can not imagine the strength you were for me when I was catapulted out of the abusive relationship with your dad. You were strong, there, and perceptive. Yet when it came to your own life, you were doing the same thing we all get stuck in, somehow someway we will fix this, get them to see our value, earn our love and we’ll live happily ever after in the house with a white picket fence. I think one of the ways we "fall" into the co-dependency-accept-abuse role is by taking their name in the first place. Although I use "Bowman" on my bank accounts, I have retained "Marshall" on my passport! I use Marshall in my career and even when I do use "Bowman"--it is always "Shelly Marshall Bowman." I love Me and my birth name is a reflection of the real me--you are so right about that.
You were called "Tammy Jackson" but it was Tamera Bullock who responded to me when I needed that strength...
Now that you have enough distance from that "Tammy Jackson co-dependent wimp" and you are now your true self, Tamera Ann Bullock, you will begin to shed the codependency crap. You are definitely your own best friend.
You will reach a place where you are so grateful that your H left you! I promise you that--you will come to realize that you wouldn't take him back if he begged you on bended knee. Think of your mom or me ever wanting your father, L back--can you imagine? (It makes me laugh!) That will be what happens with you eventually. Your H gave you a gift--he did for you what you couldn't do for yourself. What a great email and this whole thing is giving me such hope for all of us.
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002
From: Mom
Your e-mail brought tears to my eyes; I am reliving my last journey too. I also took back my maiden name after keeping Marshall or another man's name for most of my life. I don't know what it exactly was but it also did something for my soul. I was finally me. I wasn't waiting for a man, (future boyfriend or maybe husband or for God's sake some man) to define me anymore. It's been such a journey since then, I've been able to put myself together and how satisfying it all is. This list has contributed a lot so thanks for all your efforts.
I love "O" too; it has all forward looking and positive things for us. Much love to you Tammy on your wonderful journey. Georgiana Margarette Gerlis.
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(_o_)GG
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002
From: Dawn
To: Maiden Names
If
you all can stand a cliché from my teens and early 20s--Rock on,
sisters!
I'll have to check out "O". Dawn
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