1. My domestic violence group keeps
referring to us as survivors. I do feel I survived my husband's abuse.
Why do you say we are not survivors? (answered by Dr. Marshall)
The words we use influence
how we think and act. For instance, when caught doing something wrong
children
will often say “He made me do it.” We
have to correct them by pointing out to them that they can choose their
actions, others don’t make them do things.
This teaches them how to take responsibility for their own choices and
start to learn how to control their own lives. Those who
understand the dynamics of abuse can
use that knowledge to take back control of their lives from the
abuser. Using the word “survivor” connotates that we
were victims of a larger force beyond our control, such as a plane
crash. If
one is raped, yes, they are a survivor. They did not choose
anything. They are a victim of a heinous crime. But we
do choose our mates. On this website, we
are not talking about physical violence, which is something we may have
little
control over, and indeed be a victim and survivor. But when it
comes to verbal and emotional
abuse, people have a lot more control than they realize. In
almost all cases, they have the power to
stop the abuser. What they lack is the skills to do so. Imagine being
shot with
an arrow. You can think about this rather unfortunate situation by
thinking
either, “I am a survivor” or “I am a target.” The thought, “I am a
target”
demands evasive action. It puts us in control of our own destinies. If
we don’t
want to be a target, we’d better get out of the line of fire.
Think of yourself as a target, and the next
time someone tries to abuse you, use the skills on this web site and
step out
of the way.
2. Our therapist is
teaching me how to stop antagonizing my husband. But I
don't feel that I caused this at all like my husband says I have. My
husband is
the only one doing and saying mean and abusive things. What am I doing
that makes him treat me this way? (Answered by Shelly)
It's not you, believe me!!!! You need a better therapist. This is very
often that case that therapists not trained in abuse can't really
figure out what's going on. Here is what the Open
Encyclopedia says about this:
Therapists are influenced by the abuser's
charm, persuasiveness, and
manipulativeness. Many abusers are consummate actors and interpret
events to their favor. Therapists rarely witness abuse first hand.
The
victims of abuse are, in contrast, on the verge of a nervous
breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and
hysterical.
Thus,
therapists often conclude that the real victim is the abuser,
or that both parties are equally mutually abusive. The victim's acts of
self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are
interpreted as aggression, liability, or a mental health problem.
Insisting on your rights
is paramount if you are going to win this situation. Know that
you don't deserve and kind of mal-treatment from the one you love and
learn the skills to make it stop. In the meantime
find a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse so that you have a
chance to save your marriage, or move on to a healthier choice. Don't
get trapped in the dark force of abuse.
For indepth information on this, please read The
Guilt of the Abused, Pathologizing the
Victim.(This is
off-site and you will have to use your back button to return)
3. What if I don't want to
leave my husband? Is it possible to live successfully with an abuser?
(answered by Shelly)
Many of us want to stay with our man and reform him. Maybe we have kids
or our religion dictates we stay. Sometimes we just love them enough
and figure leaving isn't the solution. Often, as a spiritual
discipline, we believe that if we don't meet the circumstances here, we
will carry it into the next relationship anyway, so we stay. Patricia
Evans says
that occasionally some guys are reformed and capable of change. I have
seen it
myself in some cases. For the most part, an abuser is hell to live
with, but it can be done somewhat successfully if he doesn't progress
to physical attacks. In the Open Encyclypedia there is a great list on how to "cope"
with the abuser and the suggestions are very on target for keeping your
abuser happy. If you choose to stay, make sure you find a really good
therapist that is trained in domestic abuse and violence, use this
site's Straegies for Stopping the Abuse, and use the Coping with The Abuser from The Open Encyclopedia. Give it your
best. We send you our love.
4.
Why do you blame the victim by saying that we "allowed" this to take
place. I didn't allow anything! I didn't invite it and I don't think
you are being fair! (answer by Shelly)
You have a darn good reason for being angry! Here you have lived with
this abuse, finally come to understand it is abuse, and now it looks
like we are victimizing you once again by insinuating that you caused
it. Blaming the victim for being abused was what Mendelson, the father
of victimology, meant when he used the term "victomology." Today it is known as the
Just World Hypothesis—you
get what you deserve. Listen
closely. We are not saying you are responsible for your
partner's behavior. We are saying it can only happen if you allow it
to. No, you didn't cause it, that's for sure. But if you are at
a party
and someone insults you, say they remark that you look like your dress
came from the Goodwill, what do you do?
- Do
you stay and try to convince
them it is an Anne Taylor and they should like it?
- Do
you agree with them and ask their advice on what you should wear?
- Do
you defend your
choice of color, designers, and plead with them to support your
decision?
- Do
you take their number, call after the party, and cultivate
their friendship?
The above
behaviors are what some people actually do and it is called
"codependent" behavior. In the above scenarios you would be trying to
earn the rude person's respect by either
- changing
how they feel about your choices and you,
- agreeing
with them and deferring to their assessment of you instead of your
own,
- by
being defensive and begging them to "like" you,
- or
by befriending someone who treated you badly and letting them know they
have permission to do that.
It is the
same with a partner. They can not verbally,
mentally, and emotionally mistreat you if you respect yourself enough
to not allow
people to mistreat you. There are a lot of reasons why we allow it from
our culture, religion, upbringing, and dreams of being the perfect wife
and mother (or husband and father). Yet the truth is, many people do
NOT allow themselves to be mistreated and they AREN'T. They respect
themselves too much to be a target and that is what this site is all
about--teaching you not to stand still for target practice any longer.
There are benefits to allowing one's self to be victimized and treated
badly, read about it here, Benefits
of Victimization. See if any of these apply to you. Then write back
and we'll discuss more.
The best way to stop being a victim of abuse is to not allow it in the first place.
A reader, shellee, wrote in with this great insight:
I
have a comment that I think might help others. When I read one
statement on your website, which says, “Nobody can abuse you
without your consent,” I felt really confused. That’s
because there were times, when I was a defenseless child being abused
by my parents and when I was a victim of a random violent crime, when I
had NO CHOICE and therefore no consent to give about being abused.
The
fact is there were times when I WAS a victim. And I think that
history of being victimized is why I chose (unwittingly) a husband who
abused me. I think probably a lot of women get involved with
abusive men because of past histories of being victimized beyond their
control.
I
had to accept the harsh reality that I WAS victim. I had to come
to terms with the fact that life is not fair, and even when I did all
the right things, there was no guarantee that someone wouldn’t
victimize me just because I was at the wrong place at the wrong
time. I had to validate the facts that I WAS a victim in the
past. And then I had to separate the past of being involuntarily
victimized from the present, where I was hanging around for my husband
to abuse me.
I’ve
already learned that denying my painful past of being involuntarily
victimized is another factor that made me susceptible to entanglement
with an abuser. As long as I was focused on an abusive
relationship I thought might have a solution in the present, then I
didn’t have to think about the past, when I was heinously
victimized and where there were and will never be any solutions to what
happened to me EXCEPT for accepting that it happened, it’s over
with now, and now it doesn’t have to rule my life.
I’m
looking forward to learning more about how I contributed to the dynamic
of being abused and why I stayed around for so many years in the vain
hope of “the next marriage counselor will work for
us.” I know I didn’t cause my husband’s abuse,
but, like your website said, I wasn’t successful in stopping it
either. So, I’m looking forward to learning how I can take
responsibility for myself and not allow myself to be a target of abuse
anymore.
Before I knew it, I had unwittingly allowed my husband
to take control of my mind and my body – things ranging from what
I wore to not being allowed to have social relationships with
friends. Nothing I tried or changed stopped his abuse. So I
think another reason why I kept focusing on him was because I felt he
was the source of power and control in our marriage, so it would have
to be him, whom I thought was the source of power and control, who
would have to be the source of CHANGE. I’m just now
understanding that all of my husband’s abusive acts against me
required the “platform” that I believe he was all-powerful
and I was all-powerless. My husband brainwashed me, basically,
and I’m beginning to understand why I could never get better by
myself, even with individual therapy, as long as I was staying with my
husband to be “reprogrammed” into feeling like I had no
power to help myself or to determine my sane and reasonable
consequences for my efforts and behaviors.
Shellee--I think you will help a lot of readers with this--thanks YOU!!!!
5. You
say that keeping secrets is not good for the relationship but my
grandmother always said not to air our dirty laundry for the neighbor's
to see. I agree with her. After all, if I follow your suggestions and
stay in the marriage, I don't want people thinking my husband is a bad
man and that I was stupid to marry him. Would you? (answered by John Prin)
The
question you might ask yourself is: What is more important, my pride or
the truth? If you are living with a man whom you know is leading a
secret life, then others likely know it too (and it's not that much of
a secret, is it?). So the "dirty laundry" is already out there and you
are still hurting. When you hurt, you sometimes blame yourself and feel
"stupid."
If,
however, you only suspect your husband of doing something in secret --
pornography, drugs, gambling, an affair, whatever -- then there's no
need to hang out any dirty laundry. You can quietly
investigate, or seek counseling, or start attending Al-Anon meetings,
or read self-help books on the topic, or jot down his excuses and
times/dates when you notice something suspicious. Also list
your feelings at those times when you jot down a note. In time, you
will have enough information to face the likelihood of confronting him
privately with a plan in place about what to do
regardless of how he reacts.
A healthy
relationship means both people must be healthy. Look to your own health
first and don't let pride blind you or tell you lies ("you're stupid,
honey").
6. It t wasn't
until I came up with the thought of the word narcissism in my head
and subsequently sought to find out what the word meant,
that I was able to finally begin to see the truth of what was happening
to me
I am the oldest daughter of a narcissistic father. I
learned to mold my personality to please this type of
personality. By the grace of God alone, I married a man who is
loving and self giving and not a narcissist. We live two doors
away from his parents. His mother embraced me and put me on a
pedestal when I first married. When I failed to be the
daughter-in-law that would advance her already high profile in our
community, she began the war with me. She, I believe, has
NPD. She won't simply leave me alone. She plots and plans
uncountable hidden ways to hurt me. For a long time I kept this a
secret and just remained indifferent and silent.
I sought council from a priest in my
parish. He
embraced me and taught me to grow closer to my already growing faith in
Christ. He began to move into my life very slowly. I was
told I was groomed by him. Before I knew it, he was trying to
break physical boundaries with me. When I compassionately tried
to tell him he was just making a mistake....he became enraged at the
idea that he had done anything wrong. I was shocked at
this. I thought he had a good heart and would understand that he
had just fallen into faulty desires.
I'm just
now healing from all of this. I have come to
see that no love or understanding, no matter how selfless it may be,
will penetrate the hearts of these people. I was able to get the
priest out of my life, but I still live two doors down from my
mother-in-law. She continues to find silent ways to show me that
she disapproves of me. At times I feel that she reviles me.
There is nothing I can do. I would like to seek help in not being
victimized by this. I have always chosen to suffer in silence and
offer it up for her sake. I'm tired and weary. I would like
some help. Sincerely,
Annie--
Answered by
Shelly
God bless you Annie.
You, like many of us,
have been tempered by the fire, so to speak. It
is hard enough to comprehend that one person in our life is a
narcissist and so self-centered and self-absorbed that we are not a
person to them but a fan club. It is a lot harder when we find more in
our lives as if we were slated for a vendetta by the God of narcissism.
I'm sorry about your Dad, the priest and now you Mom in law. Whether
they are narcissists, Borderline, or just plain uncaring, we don't
know. But what we do know is that you take abuse from them and that is
not a good way to live.
Good news though. You
can deal with it if you are willing to take a
risk. We don't advocate trying to change them or even leaving them--if
you are married. Fortunately you have a good husband. This would be my
suggestion for you to break out of the cycle. And it has to do with
you, not them. That's good, because the only person we can change is
ourselves anyway.
If you are willing, do
this:
- Go
to six Co-dependents Anonymous meetings either in person, if their
web site lists a meeting by you and if not, go to 6 email meetings.
They will each you ways to respect yourself and set boundaries with
your narcisist--You will find , Anne that your mother in law can not
"abuse" you unless you let her. By learning boundaries and
self-respecting behavior, she will be at a loss anytime she tries to
hurt you.
- Next
go back to our web site and go through the workshop portion. Pay
special attention to the "Skills" section and read over it until you
understand how to stop a person taking advantage of you. We wrote it
for the spouse of an abuser, but most of the techniques work just as
good on mothers in law.
Annie,
you deserve the best, but it does not come by magic. It comes when
you respect yourself and demand that others treat you right. I know you
can do this. And once you learn these skills--NO ONE will be able to
hurt you like this again.
7. I admit that I am
fairly unique. I am a male who is a victim of my
wife's verbal abuse. I am looking for any kind of support, web
sites
specficially for male victims of verbal abuse. Can you help me at
all?
I have tried with my whole soul to love her {but} my honest attempts
have been met
with controling, and subtle verbal punishments that have - over time -
made me feel small, insignificant, afraid of her wrath, stripped of
hope and dreams, my sacrifices for her taken for granted, unsure of my
own thoughts and feelings, ineffective in my work, and doubting,
doubting, doubting. She cannot trust, empathize, assume personal
responsibility, apologize, and seems to have no interest in personal
growth and healing.
I am in counseling, reading books, etc. I am also religious and
draw
strength from that. I am attempting to now find my voice which
has
been taken from me over the years. Any other ideas?
Anywhere you
would suggest I go?
Hi K--Well
you are not unique. There are plenty of women who abuse men and it's
difficult for the guy to come forward as they are "supposed to be a
man!!!" Yuck. Well I know my site sounds slanted toward the female side
and it is...I am coming from the women's point of view. But all the
techniques work for anyone and that means you. Do do the tutorial. Then
go to this site below for men of domestic abuse (it's listed in our
resources) and in addition go to to Dr. Irene's site because she has a
lot of good stuff for men. She has a couple of men (one a judge) that
know abuse from their wives. They write columns and answer inquires
often. So give it a try--do do the lessons in the tutorial. Looking
forward to seeing what you accomplish. Shelly
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men <http://batteredmenshelpline.org/> is a set of links and resources for men
who are victims of domestic violence or abuse. The site offers
statistics on domestic violence against men, alternative thoughts about
domestic violence in general, and referrals to domestic violence
shelters that accept men.
Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Web Site <http://www.drirene.com/>.
This is the place for you if you think you may be in an abusive
relationship or may be abusive yourself. there is LOTS of great advice
and you can also find out about how your co-dependency may be part of
the problem.
Keep us up to date and good luck, Shelly
8. I only recently realized I've been in an
emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage for near 20 years. I
have a question; can an abuser truly change (I don't mean only until I
appear content cuz he's doing it to shut me up). I mean, really change
behaviors that he's been doing all his life? To me, it seems impossible
because his abusive ways are literally who he is; his prsonality. If an
abuser can truly change, what kind of time frame? L.
Dear L., This is an interesting
question. Can an abuser really change? Well, it depends--I know, I know
just the kind of answer you didn't want! It really depends on just why
he is an abuser. There are many reasons, some as scary as brain
chemistry, mental illness and personality disorders and some as simple
as the guy comes from a culture or religion that accepts abuse as a
part of male privilege.
Of course we don't know your husband. But if it is a brain chemistry
problem--maybe a type of seritonin uptake could help. If it's their
culture, they can learn to change, if they choose to. If it's a bad
habit, which some abuse is, they can really change, also--again if they
choose to. If their abuse is the result of a personality disorder, it's
problematic. We have seen remarkable changes once the woman changes.
But I can tell you this, in my own case, once I refused to let my
husband abuse me by employing these techniques--he did stop. But I then
lived with that hostility you hint of in your question. He didn't like
it but he didn't do it because I would not accept it. However, since my
husband didn't really change in his character, he left the marriage! We
have found that if they are not going to change, they usually find a
way to get out of the marriage so they can find someone else to abuse.
I hope this helps. Shelly
9. I
have to admit that I printed out the pages from the web
site so that I could study them further. Well, one night I forgot
to put them up and he saw them. His first reaction was
anger and I expected that ( Now mind you I did not do this on purpose).
The next morning he came to me while I was getting dressed for school
and gave
me a hug and told me how sorry he was. In my head the whole time I'm
wondering how long this is going to last. Then he turns around and
states
that there were some things that fit me from this article. I guess what
I'm getting at is this just another tactic or can a victim take on some
abuser
traits in self-defense? thank you, T.
Dear T., Yes, it is quite
common for us to take on the traits of the abuser. We, at times, fight back
hard, but then we are just playing into the dysfunction and being a part of the
problem, not the solution. You will not change them. Whether you do to them what
they do to you (to show them and gain their sympathy) or take revenge, YOU WILL
NEVER CHANGE AN ABUSER. You can only change your reaction and change how you
allow others to treat you. The best place to look at a discussion on reverse
abuse is on Dr. Irene’s site. There are many references to it, but start on
this page and then nose around.
You're asking the right questions. Hang in there, Shelly NOTE:
We had a comment on this from Fighter, who is one of the people who is
making huge strides on women breaking free from abuse. She helps a lot
of us. Hre are her comments: Shelly!
Happy New Year -- was just purusing your site and re-read your
FAQ. I have something to add to your answer on the question (see
Subject) of reverse abuse.
For many many year it was (and in
some cases continues to be) the advice of marriage counselors,
religious counselors and others to MIRROR the abuse. It was felt
that if the abuser can get a taste of what he/she is doling out - they
would change. "Give it back to them as bad as they gave it to
you."
Unfortunately, we now know this doesn't work. For
a personality disordered or severe abuser - it triggers their emotional
immaturity and "tit for tat" attitude. In my case, my ex said
"see I knew YOU were the abuser - not me. This proves it!"
He just couldn't see his own abuse. He also engaged in PROJECTION
- that is projecting all his abusive habits on to me which absolved him
of the problem of dealing with or even facing his own abuse.
Another
aspect is the TRAUMA BONDING or STOCKHOLM SYNDROME effect.
Victims will often take on the traits of their abuser in order to
attempt to conquer or survive the abusive.
Hope this helps. Signed, Fighter
10. As
I read on your website, we were once chattels and new words are being
used to describe abuse. Am I wrong to feel so angry and hurt by my bf's
behavior? Most men think they are always right, it is the way they are,
so is it still abuse? My psychologist thinks I should point out to my
bf that his words are abusive but I know he will just disagree or say
that I am too sensitive so I do not bother. I am looking for the
door instead.
You asked several questions:
Am I wrong to feel so angry and hurt by my bf's behavior?
Feelings are never "wrong", they just are. What we must learn to do is
base our lives on what we do--on behavior and not on feelings. Feelings
get us into so much trouble. We learn to act our way into good feeling,
we can't feel our way into good acting. When it comes to abuse, you
must learn what it is you are willing to accept (behavior wise) from
another. It is a choice. So feel anything you want to--the important
thing is to learn exactly what behavior you are willing to accept from
your spouse. That is what the tutorial will help you establish.
Most men think they are always right, it is the way they are, so is it still abuse?
we certainly call a lot of things abuse--but it can be a relative term.
Men don't always think they are right, they just want you to think so.
That is beside the point. What he thinks is not for you to worry about.
You need only decide how you will allow him to treat you and what you
will allow him to say or not say to you. If you have any illusions that
you can fix or train him, forget it. this is not about him, its about
you. You must decide how you will allow others to treat you and hen you
set boundaries and enforce them.
My
psychologist thinks I should point out to my bf that his words are
abusive but I know he will just disagree or say that I am too sensitive
so I do not bother. I disagree with your psycologist on this
one. When you are dealing with abusers (yes, he acts abusively oward
you which you know in your gut), if you try to "explain" things and be
"reasonable", they will only twist them around and make it worse. I
suggest that you take the tutorial and learn how to respect yourself.
Once you learn that, you will begin to learn how to make others respect
you to. He willeather respect you, or you will enforce boundaries--its
that simple.
My best, Shelly
11.
Recently, I tried to have a heart-to- heart conversation with him about
how he is harming my health with all the stress, and the whole time I
was talking, he sat at the dining table and doodled on a pad. After he
went to bed, I glanced at the pad, and saw that he had drawn a picture
of my face with blood and wounds on it. He had written the
words "AX TO FACE" next to the picture. When I confronted him about it
the next morning, he laughed it off as a joke. I pray and hope that
someday he will see value in me and treat me like the wife I try to be.
I am always nervous about what will set him off- how do I deal with
him? thanks Dani
Dear
Dani,--Wow, you've said a lot in a very short time. You definitely live
with a classic abuser. I believe that when you "hope" that someday he
will see the value in you, you are asking for the impossible, as
these classic abusers can't ever admit what they are doing. As
patricia Evans says, "they deny it." I think that you are making some
classic mistakes, too, when you deal with him. After you go through the
tutorial you will spot some of the problems you're having--for
instance, you try to reason with him. Abusers aren't
reasonable--because abuse is not reasonable. When you "stand your
ground" you may be assertive, but not setting boundaries and enforcing
them. If you practice boundaries properly--without trying to get him to
understand why, you may make some progress.
I hope you saved the
"ax to face." If he escalates to physical violence, you will need that
for evidence to prove what you are living with.. and threats of
violence very often lead to violence. You could be in a very dangerous
situation and should immediately contact a professional with the
information of the drawing. don't take it as a joke--this threat is
very serious. You life could be in danger. Please go to some the
domestic violance links on our links page and investigate. Our best,
Shelly
Shelly, We have an
appointment with a Christian counselor in 3 days-- I plan on being very
candid with him and showing him the drawing.
Thanks for your interest and the great info--
Dani, keep us posted.
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