Our
home is supposed to be a safe place, a harbor and haven. Our spouses
are
supposed to be our nurturer protector and partner. For years my home
and
partner were anything but.My home was a
source of fear, tension, and confusion and my husband made me the
enemy. I am strong
woman, independent and self-employed so it isn’t easy to make me afraid
to go
home—in fact its difficult for people to believe I was an abused
spouse. But it
happens slowly, insidiously.
At
first my husband didn’t like the dishes I left in the sink
once and while, then he came home and inspected the windows to see if
I’d
opened or closed them—whatever I did, it wasn’t right. Then the
thermostat
became a problem—No temperature I turned it to was correct. Soon I was
told
not to run the dryer in the heat of the day, only at night. I didn’t
buy the
right detergent or turn the lights on and off correctly. If Bob let me
drive, he
criticized what lane I was in, what route I took, andcomplained I was going too fast or too slow.
As
the controlling behavior escalated, so did his anger. I told myself "Pick your battles"
Little
things set him off and I never knew what it would
be—maybe the dogs barked and woke him up and it was my fault, he missed
an
appointment, it was my fault, I closed the door to the bedroom and the
latched clicked
and I was accused of doing it on purpose to wake him up. I wanted to be
a good
wife and so I tried harder—“pick your battles I told myself.” No one
thing was
any big deal so it wasn’t worth fighting about, but the pattern
escalated and his
anger increased. The cycle was, intense criticism, I couldn’t
please him,
he would go on a rampage breaking things, slamming doors and calling me
names. He
broke dishes, phones, TV remotes. He once tore the dashboard off my
truck as I
was driving, he would swipe everything off the counters and pull things
out of
the cupboards—my house would be littered with broken glass, broken
mementos and
an enraged man who looked like he wanted to rip my face off. Then he
was sorry,
promised never to do it again but always qualified it with something
like, "you should not have provoked me."
His more notorious way of diverting responsibility was to say, "I hate
it when I do this because now you are focused on my outburst and not
the real issue." The "real issue" to him, in his sick mind, was
always something I had done to "make" him act that way. When
my mom first used the word “abuse” with me, my
automatic response was, “I’m not abused, he’s never hit me.” I did not
recognize what was going on. I kept thinking if I just acted right—that
somehow
he would stop being so angry.
Abuse is always about Control
Abuse
is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional
abuse, or
physical abuse. The verbal abuser uses body language to control his
partner,
just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go
together, eventually
destroying their partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she
will be
afraid to be herself, will question and compare everything she does
with
whether it might please or displease her partner. My
husband controlled
me by:
constant criticism of almost everything I did or
didn’t do
threats
of divorcing me and leaving me...
withholding
sex
calling
me, my mother, my daughter, my brother, my friends names (to me, not
them)
harassing
me about clothes I wore claiming they were too revealing
accusing
me of having a thing for black men and making it very uncomfortable to
conduct
business (we lived in a community with a 90% African-American
population)
breaking
things, throwing things, swiping the contents off counters and tables
sulking
stomping out
slaming doors
refusing to talk to me
for days on end
refusing to take me
places for months on end to punish me
hitting or kicking things
in the house
driving recklessly
accusations, accusations,
accusations
trapping
me in rooms and daring me to argue or disagree with him
he intimidated me with
his size, volume of his voice and his
strength
Not making him angry became the focus of my
life.
I
walked on eggshells all the time trying to keep from
making him angry. Not making him
angry became the focus of my life. The
best thing that ever happened to me was when he went
into a rage last year and tore up the kitchen and living room forcing
me to
flee to the
police. They couldn't do anything because
he didn't hit me!!! But they
sent me
to a domestic violence group and that group of women became my new
family. I
began to understand the pattern of control, disrespect and humiliation
this man used with me. I began to understand that I would never never
never please him, whether the
windows were up or down
didn’t matter, this was not about me, it was about him and his anger. I
learned
that I was not a victim I was a TARGET and I didn’t have to be his
target any
longer. I began following the advice from the experts and I employed
some great strategies
to
get him
to leave me alone—but the hostility seethed within him and my home was
still
not a safe place.It was an angry
tension-filled
house. The line between verbal and physical abuse
is one of degree.
The
line between verbal and physical abuse is one of degree.
The same interpersonal dynamics apply to both relationships. Many
verbally
abusive relationships will never cross the physical abuse "line."
However, the
absence of physical abuse
does not make a verbally abusive relationship OK! My
abuser was clever. He always stopped just short of doing
something he could be charged with. He raised his hand to me a couple
times, I
cowered. He would cross his arms (I think to keep from hitting me) and
block
the entrance or exits to rooms—he would bump against me screaming names
at me—I
didn’t want to be hurt so I pulled back, did not confront or stand up
for
myself. Once
my Husband—after days of raging--handed me his 9 mm
handgun and told me to hide it—I went to the police who could do
nothing because
all he did was tell me to hide it! He was so clever—always stopping
short of what
was not legal. It does not help that the legal system is often powerless regarding
aspects of
abuse phenomena. This man often had me terrorized but he didn’t hit me
so the
law could not be there for me. Finally,
it did escalate to physical. He was screaming in my
face, just 3 inches from my nose with his arms folded moving closer and
this
time I didn’t back down. I was sick to death of his intimidation and
constant barrage
on me so when he screamed “Fucking bitch, what are you to do about it?”
I
screamed back.” I’ll tell you what the fuck I’m going to do about
it”—in the
same volume
as he just yelled at me and his arms flew apart and he threw me into
the
kitchen table, knocking over a chair bruising my leg and knocking
everything
off the table. I was in shock and he immediately started yelling, “You
pushed
me! You shoved me! Why did you shove me?” He didn’t want to go to jail
and he immediately made it my fault.
The
message I have is simple—To be abused, you don’t have to
be hit. You don’t have to be a victim if you don’t want and you stop
being
their target by arming yourself with information. Go online,
call your DV group,
take care of yourself if your partner has made you the enemy. Message
for law enforcement
And for
Law enforcement, I have another message—you did me a
huge favor by sending me to Quinn Rivers Domestic Violence
Group. It may have
saved my life, it surely saved my sanity. But I also have an
admonition—when a
man is clever like my husband, he won’t do anything that you can charge
him
with—he is too smart. When he pulled that thing with the 9 mm gun I was
terrified and the police thought so little of it they didn’t even file
an
incident report. They brushed me off saying—well he didn’t threaten
you—all he
did was tell you to hide his gun! My husband knew what he was
doing—scaring the
piss out of me—and the police acted like I was an hysterical woman.
When a
woman tells you she is scared and you can’t see why she is scared,
remember
that abuse is words and gestures
combined—the tone of voice, the look
in the
eye and a shared history. Please don’t make me feel it's useless
to
go to you for help.
File the
report, tell me you understand, and send me to a domestic
violence
group for support.
In addition to
giving you good information, domestic
violence advocates can often go with you to court, to the police or to
DSS to guide you through the process and to offer you practical and
emotional support.
DVSurvival
Kit Bitch = Babe In
Total Control of Herself ~ contributed from a reader.
Energizer bunny arrested – charged with battery. (Note, he who laughs, lasts!
