The Miracle Principle for Stopping Abuse

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Welcome to Chapter 2 of the Verbal Abuse Tutorial!
The Miracle Principle--You Must Dance Together or the Dance Ends	SpotLight
In this tutorial chapter, you will learn the difference between an abusive relationship and a bad day, the specific tactics used by abusers on their targets, and about the power of the miracle principle. Their Tactics of Abuse Exercise #3--Understanding Abuse Tactics Quiz. You have to admit the problem before you can change Exercise #4 - Reaction Paper to a Target's Story No Victims, Only Volunteers The Miracle Principle Exercise #5 - It takes two participants for emotional abuse to continue Stopping abuse is about self-respect and taking responsibility The Benefits of Victimization Exercise #6 - Benefits of Victimization	Please read the Email Trail of Self-Help if you want to get an idea of how we came to understand abuse in our relationships. Cycles of Abuse: this is an outline and shows the "previolence" stages which includes verbal abuse. (off-site) If you offer them a hand up and they use it to pull you down, you have to let go.~Shelly

Tactics:

Do you thoroughly understand the tactics abusers use? What you are dealing with? Here's a quick review because you need to know what it is your have to stop.

Types of Emotional Abuse	Tactics Used by Abuser
Verbal	Verbal abuse occurs when one is attacked by words. Tactics used include name-calling, defaming (ex: you're a lousy mother, bad wife, ungrateful son), harassing (ex: repeated disparaging comments about weight, looks, ideas), accusing, embarrassing with words (being put down in public), blaming, blocking further discussion (ex: I shouldn't have to repeat myself), countering (whatever you say, they counter with the opposite), humiliating (ex: telling wife jokes in partner's presence), constant criticism, diverting the subject, lying, berating, taunting, interrogating, accusations, putting down, discounting (ex: partner saying "You're making a big deal out of nothing)." You can read more about verbal abuse on Evan's verbal abuse site:
Psychological	This type of abuse occurs when a partner's actions, undermining statements, or neglect causes mental anguish. It includes humiliating (ex: being pushed away when trying to give a kiss), embarrassing behavior (ex: partner flirting with others in public), withholding affection, turning the kids against you, withholding sex, ignoring, living in silence, crazy-making (trying to make it look like you are mentally ill), trivializing (ex: I'd love to hear about your promotion, but can we eat first?), defining your reality (ex: no, you're not angry, you're jealous), edifying (ex: taking care of oneself at expense of partner such as making fish for dinner knowing partner hates it), scapgoating (shifting the blame or responsibility), not having any interest in your thoughts and feelings, playing mind games, twisting the facts (rewriting history to make them right and you wrong), passive aggression (ex: forgetting an anniversary), and male privilege, which you can read more about on the Misogynon Site.
Intimidation	This occurs when words, gestures, looks, or posturing create fear. Abusers use overt threatening (ex: "Don't make me have to hurt you"), covert threatening (ex: "I'll do whatever I have to" while cleaning a gun without actually saying he's going to shoot you), legal threats (ex: "I'll get full custody and you'll never see your kids again."), containment (ex: blocking exit from a room without sayng anything), getting in your face, cruelty to pets or children and destroying household property or things that mean a lot to the victim in retaliation for perceived wrongs), bullying, yelling and raging, hostile subtle gestures or looks (ex: sharpening a knife and smiling while looking directly at you), physically cornering one in a room (note some experts consider this physical violence and it is one of the borderline behaviors between abuse and violence) destroying property, and insinuations of harm that no one else can recognize.
Isolation	Restricting familial and social contact. The abuser increases isolation by limiting transportation, living in remote areas or a different culture, demanding total loyalty and time go to abuser vs. one's family or outside social contacts, preventing partner from driving, discouraging friendships and close family relations or isolating partner from friends and family, disapproving of getting a job or continuing one's education outside the home, joining a cult, limiting phone calls or visitors, disallowing TV, radio, or internet use.
Stalking	Stalking behaviors include harassing, following the target, threatening behavior, showing up in person at inappropriate times and places, unwanted gifts (often followed by demands that you owe them), phone calls, emails, or letters, and innuendos that you might get hurt if caught in the wrong place (often leads to physical or sexual abuse).
Spiritual	Using religion to manipulate the partner, ridiculing their beliefs, preventing them from practicing what they believe, using doctrine to over control family thoughts and actions, invoking doctrinal guilt or shame to control, justifying corporal punishment of children against the wishes of partner, forcing the children to be reared in a faith that the spouse does not agree to, male privilege or female subservience and denial of human rights.
Sexual Abuse	This involves undesirable sexual activity used as a form of control. Tactics include pressuring someone to participate in sexual activity that makes them uncomfortable, forcing them to view pornography, pressuring one to have sex with other partners, spousal rape, cheating through sexual affairs or the internet, withholding sex as punishment, ridiculing a person's sexual performance and attractiveness, edifying self without satisfying partner.
Economic	Economic abuse involves the use of money and resources for the purpose of control. Tactics inlude limiting economic independence by controlling the finances (paying all the bills, giving a small allowance, making all purchase decisions), limiting or preventing work outside the home, taking work or welfare check, using family resources for themselves, and blocking career upward mobility.

Keep in mind that the tactics used by abusers may be all, several, or only one of those covered. It is not necessary to use all the above tactics to be an abuser. It only takes one for abuse to occur, but it does have to be an ongoing pattern vs. just a few isolated incidents caused by a bad day or period of stress. If it seems unrelenting, then it's definately abusive. Abusers will use as many tactics as one allows. If you disallow one, they will move on to another. For example, one of the hosts is a professional writer. Her abuser tried to divert her book royalites from being reinvested in her writing business for his personal gain, but she stopped him. She was so confident in her ability in this area that she would not allow him to abuse it. What did her abuser do? He simply moved on to another area of economic abuse is which she was more vulnerable--he attacked her handling of the home finances. When she tried to live within the family means by finding bargains, he attacked her as being cheap and miserly.

Exercise #3--Understanding Abuse Tactics Quiz

The following questions are taken from scenarios in which targets have told us about the types of abuse they have experienced and what they were feeling at the time. See if you can categorize each one into the type of abuse that is occurring based upon the chart above. You can check your understanding of abuse types and tactics by self-scoring after looking up the correct answers on the page provided at the end of the quiz.

1. Your partner prefers oral sex over traditional sex and cajoles you into getting on your knees and gratifying them on a regular basis. Although you don't mind giving oral sex occasionally, you find yourself doing it more than you'd like and you especially don't like being forced on your knees like a sexual slave. This is considered:

a) Verbal abuse because it is an oral activity.
b) Sexual abuse because of the pattern of pressuring you into an uncomfortable sexual activity
c) Economic abuse because they threaten to pay prostitutes if you don't comply
d) None of the above because you are married and should be glad to make your partner happy

2. When you have extra money to splurge with, it always seems to go to the things your partner enjoys like supporting his or her hobbies, or buying an entertainment set, when you would prefer a romantic getaway. Even in small things like the movies, you always end up watching what your partner prefers instead of taking turns. This would be called:

a) Psychological abuse because they are messing with your mind.
b) Stalking because the family resources follow them
c) Economic Abuse because family resources are consistently for one partner's benefit
d) None of the above because whoever is more assertive should get their own way

3. Men traditionally have a responsibility to care for the family and so have to make the big decisions. They expect their wife and children to obey them for their own good. Men understand the world and its ways better than women, so they need their wives to defer to their good judgment. Some cultures consider male privilege to be the natural order of things, but we call it:

a) Psychological Abuse because they make a woman feel 'less than" when she tries to be independent.
b) Spiritual Abuse because men often site the Bible or Koran to support their authoritanianism.
c) Economic Abuse because they use male privilege to control the finances.
d) All of the above.

4. You often walk on eggshells around your partner because there are times when they fly into a rage and tear up the house, break dishes or destroy your belongings for seemingly no good reason. You try to be very careful not to provoke these outbursts. This is considered:

a) Economic Abuse because it costs money to repair the damage.
b) Intimidation because they make you afraid to be yourself and your home does not feel safe.
c) Psychological Abuse because they rearrange the reality of the room they tear up.
d) Spiritual Abuse because you keep praying it won't happen again.

5. You and your mother used to be close but its been harder since you moved away. In addition, your partner doesn't like your mother running your life and gets mad whenever you talk to her. Your partner has pointed out what is wrong with most of your family and doesn't want their influences on you or the kids, and so demands you spend as little time with your relatives as possible. He explains that this is for the good of the family. We call this:

a) Reverse Stalking where they make sure there is not unwanted contact from relatives.
b) Verbal Abuse because your partner is pointing out everyone's faults
c) Isolation because access to your family is being limited on an ongoing basis
d) None of the above, as this is just typical mother-in-law stuff

6. When you go to parties or public places your partner always seems to find someone to flirt with, leaving you by yourself. If you mention it, they get angry or say you blow things out of proportion, misinterpret their actions, or call they it "harmless fun." We call this:

a) Psychological Abuse because it is a humiliating behavior that makes you feel bad
b) Stalking because they are following after other possible partners
c) Isolation because they leave you alone at parties
d) Verbal abuse because they talk to other people while ignoring you

7. Your partner often accuses you of doing things to destroy the marriage and will barrage you with questions from "who did you meet at the grocery store" to "what are you are telling your friends about me." When you tell them to stop accusing you of things, they say, "I didn't accuse you of anything, I only asked a question." They don't feel like innocent questions to you, they feel like attacks. There seldom is a "right" answer and you end up paying for infractions. This is called:

a) Intimidation because they make you afraid to answer questions.
b) Verbal Abuse because they use words to attack your integrity and imply that you are disloyal to the marriage.
c) Both A and B
d) Neither A or B

8. Although your partner says they support you, when you get a promotion, earn a degree or do something that you think is important, they refer to it in an offhand way, if at all. You listen attentively to what goes on in their life but they seldom seem to reciprocate. Most conversations revolve around their opinions, preferences, and interests and yours are left hanging, discounted, or you are told that you don't know what you are talking about. This is:

a) Verbal Abuse because they don't talk to you about what you like.
b) Spiritual Abuse because they do not support you as God's child.
c) Isolation because they make you feel alone when you are with them.
d) Psychological Abuse because they have no interest in you unless it relates to them. You are not given credit as a worthwhile
person, which hurts.

9. Whenever your abuser gets angry, they call you names like "blubber butt," "motherf**ker" or the "B" word. They often say ugly things about your family or friends. You wonder how they can say such hurtful things and still love you. This kind of abuse is called:

a) This is not abuse as all people say unintended things in the heat of an argument.
b) Verbal Abuse because they are assaulting you with words.
c) Sexual Abuse becasue anytime someone uses sexual slang in arguments it is a form of Sexual Abuse.
d) This is called Battering because they are "battering" you with violent words

Click this link to see answers. Abuse Tactics Quiz Answers

You have to recognize the problem before you can change things.

Before you can take the next step you have to be clear about three things:

What domestic abuse consists of.
Those who are living with an abusive partner need to break through the denial and recognize it.
Targets also need to understand they did not the cause the abuser's abuse. They just allow it to continue.

Targets cannot stop the abuse until they have a clear understanding of the above points. They can be reviewed by going over the the definitions of abuse, the signs and symptoms, and the tactics. Then and only then will the target be ready to make it stop. It is often hard to actually recognize abuse and without recognizing the whole pattern, it can't be changed. Many of the skills for recognizing abuse can be found in the web article Dealing with Domestic Abuse: Lessons from Kathy. As Angie Panos, PhD, author of Lessons from Kathy, said, "Without the ability to see reality as a whole, good judgment and decision making cannot occur. It is only when a victim of domestic violence can write a log of all the abuse and see the whole picture in front of her in black and white that she can make good decisions."

Take me for example: I am an independent business woman and successful author. Yet, I didn't recognize his anger, put downs, and crazy making as abuse!!! My mother had to point it out to me. At first I protested "I'm not abused, he's never hit me! Abuse is always about control. My story lists the ways my ex-husband tried to control me. Under the direction of my counselor, I began to keep a journal. This allowed me to keep facts straight. He could no longer make me question my sanity by insisting, "That didn't happen. You're imagining things again."

Exercise #4--Write a one paragraph reaction to the article: Dealing with Domestic Abuse: Lessons from Kathy, and then e-mail your paragraph to the moderators.

Once the target recognizes that they are living in an abusive relationship, they can do something about it. But the surprising thing is, they can't change the abuser, they can only stop being a target. There is only one person each of us has the power to change, and that is ourselves. You may deflect his behavior, but it is unlikely that you will change his heart.

No Victims, Only Volunteers

How many times have you heard that there are no victims, only volunteers? Probably a lot. Yet it is hard to fathom why anyone would volunteer for abuse. In reality, the abuse often creeps into relationships so slowly, it is not easily recognized at first. We make so many excuses for our abuser that we blind ourselves. We are taught to accomodate the person we love, to compromise, and do whatever else is necessary to make the relationship work. It is so easy to think we are being a loving and caring spouse, when in fact we are facilitating the abuse. We have inadvertently opened the floodgates to further abuse by rewarding the abuser's bad behavior when we accomodate their increasing demands.

We naturally have learned to expect our partner to behave rationally. If we treat them nice by accomodating them, it should only be fair for them to reciprocate and treat us nice in return. It stands to reason that if we placate our spouse with niceness, they should be pleased and treat us well. Based upon reason, this should work. But it doesn't. What's so insidious about this state of affairs is that doing the logical thing only serves to make the situation worse when dealing with an abuser. Why is this so? What's wrong with this logic? Abusers are not rational! They are so self-absorbed, being fair and recripocating niceness does not compute with them. So what's the moral here? Recognize abuse at the outset and stop it. You cannot appease and accommodate it. It only gets worse.

It seems so unfair, because we are only trying to be a good partner. Targets often desperately cling to the notion, "If I can only be good enough for him, he'll finally love me enough to treat me right." One of my patients recently remarked, "When I get my degree, he'll see how good I am and stop telling me I don't amount to anything and not want to cheat on me anymore." In trying to meet their demands and be good enough to please them, we are volunteering for further abuse. This solves nothing. What is the solution? The solution is to learn how to stop the abuse, not how to make yourself good enough for him. You can never be good enough for an abuser, so purge this notion from your mind.

The goal of the target is to move the focus from "how badly they treat me" to "how badly will I allow myself to be treated." In other words, how much tolerance for pain do I have? How low will I allow my self-esteem to be pummeled? Am I ready to set the boundaries I will not allow him to cross? The greatest obstacle to ending abuse in relationships is the lack of knowledge on the target's part as to how much power they have to stop it.

Patrica Evans was the first author to outline strategies specifically designed to stop abuse in her pioneering book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Janet Wolitz and Melanie Beatty provided the tools to get self-worth from within rather than try to seek worth from what our partner thinks and says about us. Combining these two bodies of work allows targets to learn to set boundaries with consequences. Once they understand how to use these concepts, a MIRACLE is created in their life. They know that they have the power to stop the abuse in their life.

The Miracle Principle

The Miracle Principle is simply this: You must dance together or the dance ends. Emotional abuse cannot occur in a vacuum. For it to exist, there has to be a partner willing to engage with the abuser.

Here is an example of this principle applied to Shelly's addiction:

When I was young and very very sick in my addiction, I heard this at a meeting, "If you don't take a drink, you won't get drunk." WOW--what a concept. I couldn't believe that my addiction could be so easily stopped--don't pick up a drug or a drink and I won't get high or drunk!

Could it be that simple? YES. Stopping the self-abuse was exactly that easy. Now, developing a pattern of making healthy choices and not relapsing was a function of the working the 12 steps, but stopping the immediate addiction was as simple as putting down the drink and drugs. This is a variation of the Miracle Principle: You must drink in order to get drunk.

As strange as it seems, the victim must give a type of consent to be abused. As Richard Mayer explains in Conflict Management

A common example of victim behavior is the person who complains that his boss or spouse "walks all over me." The victim, or "agressee," refuses to recognize that such behavior (physical violence is not considered here) is possible only with his cooperation--he must "lie down" so the "aggressor" can "walk on" him. They must dance together or the dance would end."

You can only be abused by someone to the degree that you allow it. Again, you can only be abused by someone to the degree that you allow it. You have to "let them" call you names, put you down, and criticize you. You have to give away your power and let them have power over you to be put in a victim role. Few of us who have been in abusive situations want to believe this at first, but if you want to stop abuse and start making healthy choices, you must come to understand the Miracle Principle.

The hosts of the Borderline Personality website from Turtle Island Center understand the Miracle Principle well. They explain that, unlike other forms of abuse, verbal and emotional "abuse requires the victim's participation, and it means that the targets of verbal abuse aren't helpless." It REQUIRES the target's participation or it can't happen.

Exercise #5 - Go to Turtle Island Center Family Services FAQs and read the answers to question 5, 6, and 12. Does this make sense to you that it takes two participants for emotional abuse to continue? Write a paragraph explaining why or why not and e-mail it to the moderators.

Again, we are not blaming the victim. Abuse is always the abuser's responsibilty. They are at fault. But whether or not to accept the abuse is the target's responsibility. We are only presenting the tools targets can use to empower themselves to get the respect they deserve by taking responsibility for their own choices.

Stopping Abuse is about Self-respect and taking Responsibility

Stopping abuse means having respect for yourself and taking responsibility for how you allow people to treat you. Maybe the pattern started when you were seven years old and did not have the power or wisdom to stop it, but today is different. You are not seven anymore and you don't have to give away your power. Richard Mayer, in his book Conflict Management puts it this way:

"...the person who experiences {abuse} must take some action. This requires taking full, personal responsibility at the moment. It requires us to acknowledge our reaction--our thoughts, assumptions, and feelings. We cannot adopt a "victim" attitude: blame the other person and wait for some rescuer."

Targets must come to the realization that the abuser cannot abuse without someone willing to accept their lying, berating, taunting, putting down, edifying, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging. Without a TARGET, the abuse can land nowhere. You must dance together or the dance ends.

A victim, to paraphrase Mayer, is determined not by the oppressor but by the attitude of the target. He says, "[Abuse] derives entirely from avoiding personal responsibility." In other words, if you don't like the dance--stop dancing.

It really is that simple. The reasons people keep dancing are as varied and numerous as there are partners who allow the abuse. There is always a pay-off for the "victim" in an abusive situation and it is very hard to see, admit, and take responsibility for it.

The Benefits of Victimization

In Conflict Management we learn about many of the ways in which a victim finds benefit, however subconsciously, so that they continue the dance. These include:

Commiseration makes one feel good because they are not alone. It allows one to continue to blame the perpetrator and not see how they fit into the pattern. Allies allows one to deflect criticism through focusing on sympathy by gaining allies rather than introspecting (unfortunaely, many DV groups fall into this trap).
Blame game: this is to reinforce that we are right and they are wrong. They are wrong; we don't deserve the treatment they give us. The problem with being right about them being wrong is that we continue to allow them to mistreat us by focusing on their misdeeds without looking at our own issues!!
Self-pity: Allows one to nurture themselves at the expense of the abuser--it also contributes to the cycle of abuse when the abuser is in the apology side of the cycle and making up to the "victim." Many tartgets find being the recipient of all the abuser's remorse too rewarding to pass up.
Avoid having to grow up: If they are right and you are so incompetent, then you don't have to grow up. Life is so much simpler this way. You don't have to take responsibilty--you get taken care of by the abuser! If you stop the abuse, who will take care of you?
Financial: Some targets may stay because they lack financial independence. They may have kids and don't want to face the prospect of taking care of them on their own. The tradeoff is finacial gain for accepting abusive behavior.
Spiritual: Many women play the martyr role. They believe they are living according to God's plan or their religious doctrine and feel morally superior because they are so much more Godly than the abuser.

In my case, I allowed my husband to abuse me in the name of my spirituality. I was the morally superior one. The "better" person in the marriage. The more abusive he became, the harder I tried to "out-spiritualize" him. I was earning reward points with God and someday everyone would come to see how saintly I was (and maybe eventually my husband would too). We would become an enviable team, spiritual leaders of the community -(after he apologized and groveled at my feet).

Exercise #6--Which of the above benefits of victimization might you fall "victim" to? Chose one or more and explain why. E-mail your response to the moderators.

Click here to advance to Chapter 3: Specific techniques designed to stop the abuse.

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It is a painful thing to look at your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made it. Sophocles (c. 447 B.C.)

I eventually attended a class at the Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence and learned about "my contribution" to all of it. At first it was hard to listen to. But, unlike any therapist I had in the past, the lady who taught the class got through to me. *I* had some changing to do!

After having 3 bad marriages, I have realized that all these feminist groups and victim advocacy groups have no real ability to change a victims life. Only the victim can do that!

Diane, Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site

MORAL: Recognize that we can only be victims by choice, and instead choose to be fully responsible for all of your reactions and actions. We must stop blaming and settling for the victim's crummy rewards. Conflict Management Page 37

Mistreatment and violence are part of an enduring pattern of maladaptive behavior within the relationship and are sometimes coupled with substance abuse. Abusers are possessive, pathologically jealous, dependent, and, often, narcissistic. Invariably, both the abuser and his victim seek to conceal the abusive episodes and their aftermath from family, friends, neighbors, or colleagues.

This dismal state of things is an abuser's and stalker's paradise. This is especially true with psychological (verbal and emotional) abuse which leaves no visible marks and renders the victim incapable of coherence.
~Sam Vaknin

One of our readers, Charity Girl, shares about her abusive dance:

During my emotionally abusive relationship, I always felt I was doing some sick dance or on an emotional rollercoaster. Instead of doing the responsible thing of getting out of the relationship, I fed into the sickness of the relationship by being available for abuse and extended my boundaries each time one was crossed. I knew the reaction my partner would expect from the put-downs, accusations and other mind games and I gave him exactly what he wanted despite my plans to do otherwise. I never insisted on an apology. I just allowed him to come back to me and pretend the offense never happened. I would edit my words to appease him and allowed him to express himself freely without contradiction while suppressing my thoughts and feelings. I was held hostage emotionally -- too scared to leave,yet too afraid to stand up for myself. I was miserable but I stayed. The fear was a DIRECT result of the abuse and lack of self-confidence. So as the old saying goes, "It takes two to tango." I was dancing as fast as I could until he left me... dancing alone.

Shelly comments: This is the very thing most people don't get "I fed into the sickness of the relationship by being available for abuse and extended my boundaries each time one was crossed. " Thank you for sharing this with us!

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