Keep in mind that the tactics used by abusers may be all, several, or only one of those covered. It is not necessary to use all the above tactics to be an abuser. It only takes one for abuse to occur. Keep in mind though, that an occasional use of the above does not mean you are living with an abuser--, everyone has a bad day and everyone behaves badly at times, including you. Abuse is an ongoing pattern not just a few isolated incidents.

If their behavior seems unrelenting, then it's probably abusive. Abusers will use as many tactics as one allows. If you disallow one, they will move on to another. For example, one of the hosts of this stie is a professional writer. Her abuser tried to divert her book royalites from being reinvested in her writing business for his personal gain, but she stopped him. She was so confident in her ability in this area that she would not allow him to abuse her business. What did her abuser do? He simply moved on to another area of economic abuse is which she was more vulnerable--he attacked her handling of the home finances. When she tried to live within the family means by finding bargains, he attacked her as being cheap and miserly.

Section 1, Part 2, Exercise 1--Understanding Abuse Tactics Quiz

This exercise is a pop quiz in pdf form. First you will download the quiz in pdf and answer the questions. After you are done, download the the pop quiz answers and grade yourself. then send in your email and tell us how you did on the quiz and why you think you did well or why you think you did not.

Pop Quiz: download and take the quiz.
Pop Quiz answers: We ask you to correct your answers on the "on your honor" system. No one is grading you, be honest!

Send us an email by clicking above and report how you have done.

You have to admit the problem before you can change

Before you can take the next step be clear about three things:

• I know what domestic abuse is
• I recognize clear abuse in my relationship (if you don't, then do not proceed. Don't fix a problem you don't know you have)
• Although I did not cause the abuse, I have allowed it to continue and I want to stop

Targets cannot stop the abuse until they have a clear understanding of the above points. They can be reviewed by going over the the definitions of abuse, the signs and symptoms, and the tactics. Then and only then will the target be ready to make it stop. It is often hard to actually recognize abuse and without recognizing the whole pattern, it can't be changed. Many of the skills for recognizing abuse can be found in the web article Dealing with Domestic Abuse: Lessons from Kathy. As Angie Panos, PhD, author of Lessons from Kathy, said, "Without the ability to see reality as a whole, good judgment and decision making cannot occur. It is only when a victim of domestic violence can write a log of all the abuse and see the whole picture in front of her in black and white that she can make good decisions."

Section 1, Part 2, Exercise 2--Reaction thoughts to a Target's Story

Write a one paragraph reaction to the article: Dealing with Domestic Abuse: Lessons from Kathy, and then e-mail your paragraph to the moderators.

Once the target recognizes that they are living in an abusive relationship, they can do something about it. But the surprising thing is, they can't change the abuser, they can only stop being a target. There is only one person each of us has the power to change, and that is ourselves. You may deflect his behavior, but it is unlikely that you will change his heart. Read some of the comments from other participants in this workshop.

Comments on the 'signs and symptoms' added by readers:

From Carol:

How about stealing, or better yet, putting jewelry in odd places, and then blaming YOU for putting it there. No, he doesn't steal. I'm the one that's nuts.

This is from a reader in CT who explains how her partner tries to abuse her.

Is the administrator of the computer and sets his wife's usability level to a "mature teen" so not all web sites can be accessed.(No trust) or goes in to your email and reads it and accuses you of having affairs. Or makes fun of you because you volunteer at your child's school. Calls you a terrible mother and wife. Makes fun of you and says the kids must take after your side of the family. (Uses your maiden name as if it were derogatory). Asks you (at age 44) when you tell him you have cramps-- "aren't you too old to be cycling?".Tells you you're a lesbian because you want to go out with a friend rather than being with him.

From JD:

In my relationship I think what hurts me the most is that I have allowed him to control everything I do or do not do. He has told me where I could work and where I could not. If a man worked there, forget it. I am working in an office all by myself, boring no fun, no one to talk to. And he still questions and accuses me of things, it is sad, but I am reading and learning more about it so that when I do leave I will not go back this time. From JD

From Anonymous in Orange County.

YAHOO PERSONALS HAS THIS AD: "ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS/ ONE OF THE FEW." Orange County, CA. STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN! this guy claims he's a "good guy." .. There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following: 1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest. IED..he threw his cell phone out the window at the person who tried to "run him off the road." 2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure. Listed himself single then told me he was not & had a child with another woman. 3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead - didn't return phone calls consistently or showed up and disappeared on different days. 4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults. 5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others. Slashed someone's tires for parking in his "spot."..instead of calling a tow truck. 6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations. Always said he had no money and was trying to get a new job. 7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another. Never apologized - even when asked for any of this "wrong" behavior. There is ALOT more to the story...One of the things about abuse that I've realized..someone who's quick to attach has problems!!! When a man/woman comes on VERY strong..sometimes you think you're lucky..you've met the "one" of your dreams..but that's not real..most people that come on strong WANT something from you. That's when you become a "target" because you don't know what the "plan" is. Also, this man sexually caters to women - very hard to resist --that is the BAIT - because he just biding his time with you until he gets what he wants and then he'll be gone!

No Victims, Only Volunteers

How many times have you heard that there are no victims, only volunteers? Probably a lot. Yet it is hard to fathom why anyone would volunteer for abuse. In reality, the abuse often creeps into relationships so slowly, it is not easily recognized at first. We make so many excuses for our abuser that we blind ourselves. We are taught to accomodate the person we love, to compromise, and do whatever is necessary to make the relationship work. It is easy to think we are being a loving and caring spouse, when in fact we are facilitating the abuse. We have inadvertently opened the floodgates to further abuse by rewarding the abuser's bad behavior when we accomodate their increasing demands.

We expect our partner to behave rationally. If we treat them nice by accomodating them, it should only be fair for them to reciprocate and treat us nice in return. Based upon reason, this should work. But it doesn't. It's crazy but doing the logical thing only serves to make the situation worse when dealing with an abuser. Why is this so? What's wrong with this logic?

Abusers are not rational!

They are so self-absorbed, being fair and recripocating niceness does not compute with them. So what's the moral here? Recognize abuse at the outset and stop it. You cannot appease and accommodate. It only gets worse.

It seems so unfair, because we are only trying to be a good partner. Targets desperately cling to the notion, "If I can only be good enough for him, he'll finally love me enough to treat me right." One of my patients recently remarked, "When I get my degree, he'll see how good I am and stop telling me I don't amount to anything and not want to cheat on me anymore." In trying to meet their demands and be good enough to please them, we are volunteering for further abuse. You can never be good enough for an abuser, so purge this notion from your mind.

The goal of the target is to move the focus from "how badly they treat me" to "how badly will I allow myself to be treated." In other words, how much tolerance for pain do I have? How low will I allow my self-esteem to be pummeled? Am I ready to set the boundaries I will not allow him to cross? The greatest obstacle to ending abuse in relationships is the lack of knowledge on the target's part as to how much power they have to stop it.

The Miracle Principle

The Miracle Principle is simply this: You must dance together or the dance ends. Emotional abuse cannot occur in a vacuum. For abuse to exist, there has to be a partner willing to engage with the abuser.

Here is an example of this principle applied to Kiley's addiction:

When I was young and very very sick in my addiction, I heard this at a meeting, "If you don't take a drink, you won't get drunk." WOW--what a concept. I couldn't believe that my addiction could be so easily stopped--don't pick up a drug or a drink and I won't get high or drunk!

Could it be that simple? YES. Stopping the self-abuse was exactly that simple. Now, developing a pattern of making healthy choices was not easy for Kiley. It was a function of her working the 12 steps, but stopping the immediate addiction was as simple as putting down the drink and drugs. This is a variation of the Miracle Principle: You must drink in order to get drunk.

As strange as it seems, the victim must give a type of consent to be abused. As Richard Mayer explains in Conflict Management

A common example of victim behavior is the person who complains that his boss or spouse "walks all over me." The victim, or "agressee," refuses to recognize that such behavior (physical violence is not considered here) is possible only with his cooperation--he must "lie down" so the "aggressor" can "walk on" him. They must dance together or the dance would end."

You can only be abused by someone to the degree that you allow it. You have to "let them" call you names, put you down, and criticize you. You have to give away your power and let your partner control you to be put in a victim role. Few of us in abusive situations want to believe this, but if you want to stop abuse and start making healthy choices, you must come to understand the Miracle Principle.

Here is a quote from on of our workshop participants regarding the Miracle Principle:

During my emotionally abusive relationship, I always felt I was doing some sick dance or on an emotional rollercoaster. Instead of doing the responsible thing of getting out of the relationship, I fed into the sickness of the relationship by being available for abuse and extended my boundaries each time one was crossed. I knew the reaction my partner would expect from the put-downs, accusations and other mind games and I gave him exactly what he wanted despite my plans to do otherwise. I never insisted on an apology. I just allowed him to come back to me and pretend the offense never happened. I would edit my words to appease him and allowed him to express himself freely without contradiction while suppressing my thoughts and feelings. I was held hostage emotionally -- too scared to leave,yet too afraid to stand up for myself. I was miserable but I stayed. The fear was a DIRECT result of the abuse and lack of self-confidence. So as the old saying goes, "It takes two to tango." I was dancing as fast as I could until he left me... dancing alone.

The hosts of the Borderline Personality website from Turtle Island Center understand the Miracle Principle well. They explain that, unlike other forms of abuse, verbal and emotional "abuse requires the victim's participation, and it means that the targets of verbal abuse aren't helpless." It REQUIRES the target's participation or it can't happen.

Section 1, Part 2, Exercise 3 - It takes two to dance or the dance ends

Go to Turtle Island Center Family Services FAQs and read the answers to question 5, 6, and 12. Does this make sense to you that it takes two participants for emotional abuse to continue? Write a paragraph explaining why or why not.

Send your answer to the moderators.

Stopping abuse means having respect for yourself and taking responsibility for how you allow people to treat you. Maybe the pattern started when you were seven years old and did not have the power or wisdom to stop it, but today is different. You are not seven anymore and you don't have to give away your power. Richard Mayer, in his book Conflict Management puts it this way:

"...the person who experiences {abuse} must take some action. This requires taking full, personal responsibility at the moment. It requires us to acknowledge our reaction--our thoughts, assumptions, and feelings. We cannot adopt a "victim" attitude: blame the other person and wait for some rescuer."

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YOU ARE LEAVING SECTION 1

In order to continue to Section 2, you must have the book, Respect-me Rules. The continuing lessons use the book and the 12 Respect-Me Rules to teach you how to gain respect and get the relationship you deserve. We expand the discussion of all 12 Rules and a create more exercises to increase your understanding of how to use them. You may buy the book, borrow it from the library or borrow from a friend. Some support groups also carry copies. The book comes in paperback or on Kindle.

After you have optained the book,    tell us you have a copy of Respect-me Rules and we'll send you your user ID and password to begin Second 2. 

This workshop is FREE and we will mail you the Certificate of Completion without charge once you have completed all the exercises.

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