“Would you
give the man back his keys,” the deputy said into the phone. My
sleepy
voice came back, “Officer, I don’t have his keys,” The phone call had awoken me at 2am and I could
hear my
husband over in the house slamming doors and throwing things about. I
was in
the RV beside the house,
having moved because of his all-pervasive anger and our impending
divorce. “Well,
if
you just happen to find them, would you throw them in the door for him? Or I
will have
to do a full investigation on you.” The officer's insinuations pissed
me off because I had gone to bed in the RV once my ex
came home displaying his usual hostile demeanor. I remained polite. Bob
found
his keys about 20 minutes later but didn’t bother to call the deputy
back to
say he was mistaken about me taking them. He moved out in a rage that
very
night and, except for a moment here or there, I never saw him again. I
needed
closure and Bob wasn't about to give it to me! That meant that I would have to find a way to make the closure happen without my husband's consent. On
the
phone when he called about his belongings I asked, “Aren’t you going to
apologize
for again accusing me of something
you did yourself?” Accusations were one of the constant forms of abuse
I took
from my husband for so long. What he retorted was, "I found them in a
place I would never have put them." No matter what, this man would
probably never take responsibility for his own actions. Ideally,
I
wanted him to say, “I understand it wasn’t right to be so angry at you
all the
time. I’m sorry I was depressed and took it out on you. I’m sorry I
couldn’t share
things with you and make you my partner. You never deserved the hostile
and intimidating
treatment I dished out. It wasn’t your fault that I mistreated you.”
Fat chance
that was going to happen. Sam
Vaknin,
author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisitedexplains
that there are two
types of closure (well three but the third
is insanity and so we won’t go there). Sam describes: Conceptual
Closure
This
most common variant
involves a frank dissection of the abusive relationship. The parties
meet to
analyze what went wrong, to allocate blame and guilt, to derive
lessons, and to
part ways cathartically cleansed. ~ Sam Vaknin
Ideally
Bob would let me
know that it wasn't my fault, that I could have done nothing to deserve
it,
that nothing I did would have made him better. And in return, I could
share with him that he only abused me to the extent that I allowed him
to. Maybe then I could let
go of the
self-incrimination.
Failing the perfect scenario, comes
Retributive Closure
When
the abuse has been "gratuitous" (sadistic), repeated, and protracted,
conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution is called for, an element
of
vengeance, of restorative justice and a restored balance. Recuperation
hinges
on punishing the delinquent and merciless party..~ Sam Vaknin
Well
the
good news is, I received BOTH types of closure during the same month.
November
of 2004. The Conceptual Closure came from my first husband, albeit 25
years
later! And the Retributive came via an anonymous email telling me that
Bob was
posting his naked picture on the AdultFriendFinder.com and looking for
a
“tolerant” soul mate who would go to nudist camps with him. The stories
intertwined, as luck would have it. My First husband made
a 25 year due Amends My
first
husband “S” contacted me via email and wrote, “I want to make amends,
can I fly
out and see you?”I was perplexed—I
wanted amends from the current abuser, not the first one, but… well
maybe this
was God’s way of taking care of what could be taken care. Of course, I
would
accept this. “S”
called
on the phone (I didn’t want to see him) and said, “Shelly I am so sorry
for the
way I treated you and any pain I caused. I am quite sure you were ready
for a
long-term commitment but I was too sick. No one deserves to be treated
the way
I treated you. You are a lovely person, the love of my life. I was just
too
sick and immature to do the right thing. You never did anything to
cause me to
act so terribly to you and you could have done nothing to change it.” What
a
wonderful and inspiring thing to do. He is in a good marriage now and
in fact
married “his best friend.” I am envious that she got my
husband! He was the man I was going to grow old with and he got
better for someone other than me. However, as I told “S”, he only
abused
me to the
extent that I allowed it. And with him, it wasn’t long because
fortunately, he
kept hitting me. After the third beating, I simply left him. End of
abuse.
We were married only 18 months. So
“S” did
for me what Bob could not and I thought that was all the closure on
this
abuse
thing I was going to get. Yet, during that same month, quite
unexpectedly, I
received an email from a source I will not name. I don’t want Bob to
know that
someone is watching him. But this was an unexpected gift from God that
dovetailed “S’s” eloquent amends. And this was where I was able to get
the
second kind of closure “Retributive” and I have to say it’s about as
sweet as
“S’s”! An email
said Bob was naked on the Internet The
anonymous email
informed me that Bob was posting naked pictures of himself on the
Internet at
AdultFriendFinder.com under sunbuff10! I was incredulous—the guy with
the
conservative façade? The one who did not like me wearing tank
tops
to AA meetings or short shorts to work in the yard?
The one who’s public image took priority over everything? I had to see
this. I went in as
NakedNikita in honor of my first husband’s dog
Well
the
way it works is you have to join this “dating” service (its really a
porn
service) to see any pictures—so I signed up for a free membership.
“S’s” dog is
named Nikita so I borrowed the dog's name and signed up as
"NakedNikita." I found Bob's site and profile right away but still
couldn’t see any pictures—apparently you had to be
invited to
see them. I was shocked that there were 300,000 members signed up in Virginia alone. It seemed people
in Virginia were sex starved or
something.I left the site. Debating
whether I was going to pay any money to see my ex’s naked pictures on
the net
to PROVE he was a bastard—I went into my NakedNikita mail box and there
was Bob’s
picture wanting to get to know Naked Nikita!!!!! Shock of all shocks.
How could
this have happened? Out of 300,000 he was the first person in my box? This
was
too good. So I wrote back. He invited me to his private gallery.
There
were nudes of him in the private album, one was of him sitting in his
back yard with a big
boner
and the caption “Want to sit on my lap?” Oh, isn’t he clever, I
thought. My ex
also had this same picture published on the public album that went with
his profile. In
his
profile he advertised
for a "lover and a friend" who likes
nudity, and wants a good time--he also stated in the cupid section that
he is interested in
threesomes
and, although straight, he is "bi-curious." He invites ladies to look
at his naked body and hard-on and if they are interested, to "drop him
a
line." He
had a picture
of our dog, Cayce, and a picture of a wolf he had drawn for me on our
first
Christmas together. As Nikita, I
fudged on my age but pretty much told him the truth about my thoughts
and likes
and dislikes. He wanted a picture of me so I went into my bathroom and
snapped
a few shots, cropped off the head and sent it to him. I thought
surely he
would recognize me. Apparently not. I
wrote him
that I used his picture in my fantasy and how sexy he looked. Men are
easy. He
responded with vigor. (paraphrased): Good
morning Nikita!
What a pleasant surprise
to find your pic in my box this morning! Nice tight
body! Hope you can send me your face too. I am very interested in you
also.
I find it exciting to
think you would use my picture in your fantasy! Use as you wish, I do
have a
web cam if you are interested in a real time fantasy! I can do whatever
you
wish on cam. You have a great body! Looking forward to
meeting you, Bob
I
want to
point out that this is the same man who told me how flabby my body was,
seldom
complemented me on my looks, suggested numerous times that I work out,
and
generally made me feel bad about the way I looked. My Ex was as crazy
about Nikita as he had been about me during courting I
answered
and our cyber relationship blossomed in a short time. He responded
(paraphrased):
Hi Nikita, You are truly a rare find
for me.There are a number of things that excite me, I
listed them (never done this before) 1.)we are both the same sign,
don't know
how much
to believe this but our match sounds exciting! 2.)you love to do things
nude,
you mentioned nudist colony. I would love to take you to a nude
campground in North Carolina, its a great place!
3.) Your body looks fit, you care about it as I care about mine. WE ARE
A GREAT
MATCH.
Bob
mentioned a few more highlights. He wanted more pics—so I took a
picture of
my butt
and sent it to him. He still didn’t recognize his wife and wrote back
“Sweet!”
I wondered how he could get so excited over pictures and emails! I
began to
cry. He was courting a virtual lady.
I closed my account on the site and told him it
was too
raw for me. I also wrote that I couldn’t send him my face until I knew
he
wouldn’t plaster it all over the net. His denial must run very deep
because he
told Nikita that HE RESPECTED “her for being discreet!” He
wrote,
“I would not want to get involved with a woman
who spreads every part of her body out for all to see. It would be
difficult to
ever trust her! Your position, to be discrete and private is getting a
lot of
respect from me, I admire you for it.”
What the
hell was he talking about???? He just had his pecker plastered out
there for
the whole world to see. Bob wrote several more times to Nikita, calling
her
'Sweetheart' now, and describing how
spiritual he was, how he wanted a lady he could trust. (this from a
flasher who
just destroyed his marriage with lies, abuse, and greed). My ex even
began writing a song for me--well Nikita. I sobbed. Bob
never loved or knew me—any more than
he could know anything about his Nikita.
He sent me the perfect
symbol of our marriage
I
wanted to
keep the ruse going to see when it would dawn on him that I was me but
he sent
another picture that did me in. He took the picture of my torso (the one i sent with a cropped head),
enlarged it, and
printed it
out, taping it to the back of his patio chair. He then sat in an
adjacent
chair, naked, looking longingly at the picture of a vacant headless
torso. My ex sent me this picture as a gift about how "good" we would
be together. I saw this picture and knew it was the perfect
symbol
of our marriage. Bob didn’t care about my thoughts, who I was and
what made
me tick. The only relationship he ever had with me was with my torso.
When my
pesky head got in the way he was so threatened that he had to humiliate
it, put
it down, criticize it. Bob wasn’t falling in love with Nikita—he
had relationships with objects
not people, and when his "objects" turned out to be real women and got
in the
way, he
punished them.
I
had loved
Bob and committed for life. I believed his facade when he
courted me
like he was courting Nikita. But Bob can’t love real people, I can
see
that now. I have the symbol of our marriage framed and displayed
prominently in
my office. This was a perfect closure gift from my ex husband to me,
even if he
didn’t know he was giving me such a prized possession. I treasure it.
The confession became my
closure
I
sent the confession
email after a little over a week. I simply told him the man I fell in
love with
is the
one writing to Nikita and that his sex addiction hijacked our
marriage--I
explored
some of the things I thought went wrong. Bob had to read how his ex
wife,
Nikita, really loved him once but HATED the disease that tore us apart.
I told
him what my brother Michael Marshall Ph.D., told me, "Bob's addiction
told him that I was
the
source of his misery," and that an exhibitionist looking for another
"sexually tolerant" woman to make his "problem" seem ok was
like an alcoholic marrying another alcoholic and thinking that will
take care
of the sickness. I pointed out that, in the end, of all the women in
his sexual
circle,
he didn't want one of the porno sluts, he wanted the one who would NOT
display
herself all over the net and would not talk dirty and wanted to get to
know HIM
not just his cock. It was gratifying because in his own superficial
way, HE WAS
SERIOUS about Nikita, she got
to tell
him what I wanted to ever since I discovered his sex addiction.
When we
were together, Bob usually tore up anything I wrote him. He didn’t want
to hear
from me. But I know he read Nikita’s confession.
He wrote two additional
smitten-type emails to me before I could get the
confession off to him--and they were even sweeter and more intimate
(for
him)
than the others. He wrote:
First
off, I am curious about everything about you, let's
start with the spiritual you. For myself, I am not religious but do
have a very
strong spiritual side which has brought me through some tough times.”
For
some reason he doesn't connect the dots on the spirituality thing or
"respecting"
someone he meets on a porno site. Well, who am I to judge? Me, Nikita! Along with the
confession, I sent him another racy picture of myself with my head on
so that I wasn't the only
one with naked pictures. It was a sort of an apology, letting him know
that I
didn’t do this to have power over him, that he had a picture of me too.
It was
probably stupid on my part—he wouldn’t get the sincerity of the
gesture.
After
the first enraged response, Bob sent a post script and explained that
it
was not a "God Thing" that he was in my mail box but that I had
highlighted him on a list in my account and the system notified him. So
he
pursued it. I hadn't known how the site system worked. So I guess it
wasn't so
unusual for his picture to be in my box like that, but for me it was a
God
thing. And there
was another caveat to all this. During our separation he was frantic to
get me
to sign a document saying I wouldn’t show any of his private pictures
to
anyone—remember I had some doozies. Yet in his email to Nikita—he told
her that she
could do anything she wanted with his pictures!!! I had to laugh, he
legally
undid his contract with me. In addition, I don’t think he read the
agreement
for being a member on AdultFriendFinder.com but it says any
member can use the pictures posted on the site in any manner they
want, commercial or private! That’s how I have legal
permission
to use his naked pictures, if I so choose. The
closure
was fantastic. I felt and continue to feel great about it. At first I was worried
that it
wasn’t in Bob’s best interests for me to have decieved him, however
briefly. But
finally it occurred to me, I spent years protecting him and his image,
doing
what I always thought was best for him. Now it was time to do what was
best for
me. Being Nikita and getting to tell my husband the things he
wouldn’t
let me during our marriage and divorce was the right thing to do for
me! How
refreshingly unco-depdendent of me!
Comments from our readers on this story.
From New York: Question that I often think about when I hear from abuse
victims involved with sex addicts? What the **** is it with guys
showing women their penises? I know that these guys think of women as
"parts" and I get that - I just don't get how because they find looking
at someone's genitals or breasts exciting - they assume we like it
too. I know I know, sociopathic, self-involved thinking. Just
ruminating. The sheer numbers of women on abuse sites who report that their
guy loves to show it and send women online pics of it is astounding. I
mean, there was a whole site called RATE MY DICK for awhile. (the feds
closed it down) and my abuser just LOVED whipping it out online (neither I
or any of his other targets ever asked him too) and of course there's
your Bob and pics of his boner. I know its hard to think the sick way
they do, but from a detached point of view..... what is the attraction
with showing everyone your shortcomings? Any thoughts?
I know don't these abusers all sound the same sometimes. Damn
scary. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.... I keep looking for
the pods.
Reply from Shelly: Well, I've often thought about that very thing--why do
they think we love it? I remember reading the beginning of novel from
Robbins. He was very popular with men. In it he had an 11 year old and a
13 year old girl living in an old estate and they were excited and
titalated by trying to see this 'gentleman's' penis...in the novel they
giggled and tried to peek and wanted to touch it! Can you imagine
wanting to see some guys dick at that age? It would have scared the
bejesus out of any girl--but in this author's sick and twisted mind,
that's what little girls wanted--to look at dicks! (I didn't get any
farther than that in the stupid book and it gave me a lower opinion of
many men because that author was so popular and all his books portrayed
women like that!)
I ruminated on it for a long time and finally realized that what men
feel and think, they attribute to others. You know when a guy is really
jealous of you? It usually means they are cheating or thinking about
cheating? Well, when they look at a woman, they get excited so they
think when we look at them, we do too. When we touch their penis and
admire it, they get excited so they think we are getting excited at the
same time. Because us touching it makes them feel so good they are
thinking we feel good doing it. It's beyond self-centered--they see us
as an extension of them. They see us as parts, yes, but parts of them!
Patricia Evans says it really well in "Controlling People"--They see us
as extensions of them and their world and they can't imagine us having
different and individual feelings and thoughts. I suspect that
exhibitionists get such a kick out it that they assume it must be the
same for the viewers! Like you, this aspect of many men has always
puzzled me!
A
frequent side effect is that their capacity to love is also
dramatically reduced (e.g. it results in a marked dissociation of sex
from friendship, affection, caring and other normal healthy emotions
and traits which help marital relationships). This sexual side becomes,
in a sense, dehumanized. Many of them develop also an "alien ego state"
(or dark side), whose core is antisocial lust devoid of most values.
Raw id, in a sense. In time, the "high" obtained from masturbating to
pornography becomes more important than real life relationships. Dr. Victor Cline Dr. Clines
Article
