Section 1, Part 1

  Defining the problem

    

    A FREE online course

    that teaches you how to stop VERBAL and

    EMOTIONAL ABUSE and get the RELATIONSHIP you deserve

   
           
Home > Introduction > Problem > Miracle > Rules > Closure
There are 2 exercises you will need to complete for Section 1, Part 1

Am I truly the Target of Emotional/Verbal Abuse?

In Section 1 of the tutorial, you will learn that there are different types of domestic abuse and how to recognize an abusive relationship.  Take as much time as you need to absorb the information. It is self-paced, so there is no need to rush.

Page Menu

Define Domestic Abuse, Please
Define an Abusive Partner, Please
Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
       * Answer these questions (Section 1, Part 1, Exercise # 1)
A Few Facts About Emotional Abuse
Has someone convinced you that this is normal?
We develop co-dependent behaviors around the abuse
      * Identifying Codependent Behaviors (Section 1, Part 1, Exercise # 2)

Define Domestic Abuse Please
Domestic abuse is a term used to describe abuse by family members or intimate partners such as a spouse, ex-spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, or date. Other terms used for domestic abuse include:
  • intimate partner abuse
  • elder abuse
  • child abuse
  • mental cruelly
  • emotional abuse
  • verbal abuse
  • stalking
Domestic abuse can take many forms, but involves using intimidation and threats or violent behaviors to gain power and control over another person. According to the Ohio University Medical Center and many other Centers for Women's Health, the abusive person is usually male, and women are often the victims; however, domestic violence occurs against males, too. "Child abuse, elder abuse, and sibling abuse are also considered domestic violence."


The forms that domestic (i.e. emotional) abuse takes are:

  • Verbal - Verbal abuse occurs when one is attacked by words.
  • Psychological -This type of abuse occurs when a partner's actions, undermining statements, or neglect causes mental anguish.
  • Intimidation- This occurs when words, gestures, looks, or posturing create fear.
  • Isolation - Isolation is when familial and social contact are limited or restricted by any combination of physical or psychological means.
  • Stalking -Stalking behaviors include unwanted contact and surveillance
  • Spiritual - Using any type of unwanted religion or spiritual belief to control and subjugate the target, including male privilege, is considered spiritual abuse.
  • Sexual Abuse: This involves undesirable sexual activity used as a form of control or one-sided gratification.
  • Economic - Economic abuse involves the use of money and resources for the purpose of control.
One of our participants shares about her experiences with 'spiritual' abuse:
Abusers like quoting and using religious books to justify their abusive behavior. "The Bible says the man is the head of the household," "The Bible says that women are beneath men and you should submit to me", "wives, submit to thine husbands", "God says the male is the authority of the etc etc etc". Don't miss this symptom, it's a big one and was used against me. I was told as a child by my abusive father "God made the male better than the female." I am a girl. He said, "Your brother will always mean more to me than you. This is because God gave him a penis and you don't have one. The female is beneath the male. (If you) don't believe it, you need to read your Bible."

NOTE: Do not confuse domestic abuse with domestic VIOLENCE. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, violence often begins with non-physical, verbal behaviors such as name-calling, threats, belittling, and hitting or destroying property or belongings of the target.

Domestic violence includes:

  • Battering, hitting, punching, shoving, choking, hair pulling, slapping, tripping, kicking, etc
  • Marital rape
  • Date Rape
  • Holding a weapon on you such as a gun or a knife or even threatening to do it
  • Trying to shoot, cut, spank or hurt you with any object
  • Physically injuring any animal or person you hold dear.
None of the above are considered "domestic abuse." They have crossed the line and are now considered domestic violence and thus are beyond the scope of this site. Get help immediately if you are experiencing any of the above. Call 1-800-799-SAFE or visit National Domestic Violence Coalition for your closet agency or use the DV Survival Kit. This survival kit tells you what you can do if you are threatened or hit by your spouse or partner.

Define an Abusive Partner Please
Only recently has violence against women been universally condemned in our culture here in the United States. The recognition of domestic verbal, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse issues has sadly lagged behind in the human rights arena. Attitudes and behaviors that are easily recognizable as unacceptable, immoral, humiliating, and even illegal out in society are often tolerated at home--in marriages and other domestic relationships. These behaviors include:
  • anger directed toward and acted out on you (do you accept anger from store clerks?)
  • cutting remarks about your appearance, domestic skills, parenting, or personality (would you let a taxi cab driver treat you this way?)
  • orders on how to drive, wash dishes, wash clothes, clean house, what to wear (past the age of 15 no one should take these liberties with you)
  • sarcasm regarding your personal faith, values, politics, or any personal beliefs or preferences (would you let your employer treat you this way?)
  • constant criticism of your parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, and you (would you allow this from your neighbor next door?)
  • humiliating demands and being the butt end of "jokes" in public (would you let the security guard at the mall humiliate you?)
  • rage and tearing up your home and belongings (imagine the gardener or maid acting like this)
The Open Encyclopedia tells us:
Yet, these – the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the sadism, and the paranoia – do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbors. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

Because of the relatively recent recognition that women are people too and not be "owned" by their husbands like chattel, society has tolerated women being treated "less than" and subservient to their mates. As a result many women have allowed themselves to be treated badly and may have even been told by parents, their religious doctrine, and societie's subtle messages that this is the way to be a "feminine and nurturing" woman. They have also been told that if they are "good enough" that they can get their man to treat them well. They have accepted behavior from their men that they would not tolerate from a stranger. In the past, we had no name for the way men treated their "chattel." Today, we now know that woman who are mistreated this way are being verbally or emotionally "abused." Fortunately, society's consciousness is now being raised about this new aspect of human rights with the following terminology:
  • The one who "abuses" is often called the "perpetrator" and the recipient his "victim." These are legal terms.
  • Domestic violence groups and therapists call them abusers and survivors.
  • Mary Jo Fay, Author of "When your 'Perfect Partner' goes Perfectly Wrong" calls these abusers "narcissists" and gives them the DSM IV stamp of a personality disorder. She based this information on Sam Vaknin's work who, in 1997, was the first to associate narcissism with abuse in relationships - years before anyone else suggested this linkage.
  • Patricia Evans, author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" says these guys are "Controllers" and writes of them having to have "power over" their mates in all situations.
  • Addicts are often abusers and Patrick Carnes describes how Sex Addiction can be an underlying cause of partner abuse and narcissism (as well as all the other addictions)
  • Some professionals will discuss the megalomaniac, the antisocial personality, and the psychopath as root causes of abusing and violent spouses.
  • The "Borderline Personality" is also a cause of abuse and forces the target to act from a state of hyper-vigilance at all times. Turtle Island Center Family Services
  • Many therapists and courts today refer to the "rageaholic" and send clients for anger management classes, (which generally serve to teach the abuser how to be more covert rather than overt with their spouses).
  • My mom uses the old-fashioned term, "bastards."
The point is, it really doesn't matter what we call abusers. If you are being mal-treated on a regular and on-going basis, you are with an abuser. The symptoms (this is the handout we offer here on the Target site) are what define these people, not the label.  Read the list of symptoms (click here) to see if your partner fits the description of someone who abuses.
Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
Now that you know what abusers do, you are in a better position to assess your own relationship. This question involves a complicating factor that makes it difficult to answer.

FIRST: The crux of the answer involves how you feel about how you are being treated. If it distresses you, then you meet the first criterion of being abused. If you're not distressed by how you're being treated, then it is pretty hard to make a case that you need to change things. For instance, if someone is a masochist, and therefore enjoys being hurt, it's really their choice as to how they define their happiness. We live in a free society. I do not have the right to tell that person, "You are being abused."

SECOND: The second criterion involves what was just covered above, the types of abusive things an abusive partner does. If your partner is doing any of these types of things to you, and it distresses you, then yes, you are in an abusive relationship. This being said, abuse can sometimes be so subtly committed. Carefully go over the lists and symptoms and don't jump to conclusions about your partner or yourself without seeking professional guidance and talking to more than one person. If you are only listening to yourself and/or your partner, you are not getting enough information.

Section 1, Part 1, Exercise # 1: Answer these questions

Click to open this exercise. Copy these questions and paste them into a word program (Word, notepad, wordpad). Type in your answers and comments underneath each question.
 
If you are choosing not to get the Certificate of Completion, you may skip sending in this exercise but we ask you to complete it to get full benefit from this workshop.

Those who answer yes to any the exercise questions, and it occurs on a regular basis, are likely dealing with an abusive relationship. Remember, would you tolerate this kind of behavior from a stranger? Why should anyone take such behavior from the person they love and who claims to love them?

One of the first things to understand is this: A good and decent man (or woman) will not treat another person, especially their spouse, with disdain, hostility and criticism. A good and decent man will treat his wife better than he treats his best buddies. A good and decent man will not hide behind scripture or tradition to justify his mal-treatment of anyone, especially his wife. NOTE: If you are feeling that you know something is wrong and you feel bad about yourself and your relationship but are not quite sure what is going on--read about Ambient Abuse  by Dr. Sam Vaknin. This is emotional violence at its most subtle level. Often it goes on as an evil undercurrent in a relationship and is next to impossible for the spouse to understand until they are neatly entrapped.
A Few Facts About Emotional Abuse from Virginians Against Domestic Violence
  • Emotional Abuse is often disguised as a way of "teaching you to be a better person."
  • Many experts believe that emotional abuse may have longer-lasting effects than physical abuse.
  • Emotional abuse often leads to poor health, especially sleep disturbances.
  • Emotional abuse affects children too.
  • Abusers may try to make excuses by saying "I lost control," but emotional abuse is really a way for them to gain control.
  • The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim's self-respect and feeling of self-worth.
  • Emotional abuse starts slowly and the woman may adapt and be abused without knowing it.
  • It is often hard to believe that it won't get better because there are cycles of abuse and after an incident has occurred the abuser is usually really nice and convinces you it won't happen again and that he is really sorry. And if he's good, he will convince you that you somehow caused him to behave this way and you may end up apologizing to him!
Has Someone convinced you that this is normal?
That being said, your abuser and society may have convinced you that this is normal, needed, justified, or your fault for not behaving. None of which are true. The truth is, there are few excuses for treating the one you say you love, badly. For our own crazy reasons, us partners often stay (scroll down on this page and read about the Stockholm Syndrome) and accept this behavior and excuse it. Shelly kept making excuses for her husband's constant anger and criticism by saying, "he's trying to quit smoking, he just changed jobs, his boss is on his back, his mother is sick, his mother just died, his ex is trying to move his son out of state, I am not spiritual enough, I haven't proved to him how much I love him, if I get it right, he will stop treating me this way." She always gave him an excuse for being mean to her, for humiliating her, and for discounting her, even if the excuse was to put the blame on herself. Society or religion doesn't need to convince women that mal-treatment is their fault because often they do a good job of that themselves!

The real truth is that you can only be abused by consent. People can only walk over you if you lay down. If you do not allow someone to abuse you, you can not be abused--period. Eleanor Roosevelt put it succinctly when she said, "No one can insult you without your consent."

We develop co-dependent behaviors around the abuse
Because abuse begins slowly and we adapt over time, it is often very hard to recognize. In addition, some aspects of our culture, and our desire to be good and compliant wives and mothers (i.e. good women) have had us accept the unacceptable. Usually we have developed patterns of behavior that are called "co-dependent" where we try to earn the love and respect of our partner by manipulating them--so in a convoluted manner we try to control them, by trying to control how they think and treat us. We are sure that if we just get the right combination of behaviors that we can somehow make this turn around and create a happy relationship. Codependents generally do most of the giving in a relationship and the abuser does most of the taking. If you didn't start out as a co-dependent (which many woman don't), your reactions of trying to please and placate the abuser often lead to codependency. Interestingly, according to Dr. Irene from her Verbal Abuse web site"Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming."

Codependent behavior (giving and giving and trying to earn their love) seldom works to change the abuser's behavior. In fact nothing you do to them will make a happy marriage or loving relationship if you are dealing with a guy who makes you a target of his bad attitude. They will take all your attempts to get them to stop treating you badly and twist it to make you the culprit and appear wrong. They will always win, as explained in Patricia Evan's "Controlling People." (a must read for anyone on this site).

Now is the time to change YOURSELF because you won't change them, ever. The only one that can change is you. By learning what co-dependent behavior is and how you came to practice it, you can change what you do, what you think of yourself, and what you are willing to accept in your life.

Section 1, Part 1, Exercise #2: Codependent Behaviors

Dr. Irene's page on recognizing codependent behaviors and make a list of all the behaviors that describe you. Once you have made this list, evaluate how your codependent behaviors fit into the abusive relationship.

Email your list and comments to the moderators before continuing to Part 2 of Section 1.

Now that you know what verbal abuse is, and have come to recognize it if it exists in your relationship, the next step is to come to an awakening that you have the power to stop it

You have just completed Section 1, Part 1 of the tutorial. Click here to begin Section 1, Part 2.

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