Do you get it about secret keeping?

This is an insight sent in by one our readers and strongest supporters. This is Barbara and she has a great deal of insight and a great deal to say. We posted her:

Barbara's Insight
then Shelly's insight,
then her reply--quite a dialouge. Please contrubte if you like.

Shelly, I posted an article to my site last night "ECHO NO MORE" and I had some further insight that I wanted to share with you. I know you will GET IT. The insights included here are fairly right on and it supports your not secret keeping mantra: (the snippets are from Sam Vaknin.)

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He must be psychologically astute and shrewd so that he can "size up" everyone he encounters for his or her potential to be his 'blood-donor'; the one who provides adoration and admiration in vast, unconditional amounts. Often this involves making the partner feel that she has unusual qualities that make her irresistible to the N; e.g. that they are soul mates, uniquely able to understand and support him. This feeds on the narcissism of the partner as she wishes to be like the esteemed loved one.

This is PRECISELY what J did to me and the OTHER Other woman and my estranged husband and at least 2 other Ns (Ns are narcisists) I have known. It feeds our HEALTHY narcissism and bolsters our sagging self-esteem. It also does something I have been venting about for years: It supports the lies that Disney & children's stories sell to women
1. you need a man to make you happy;
2. love is something so special & intrinsic and you are IRRESISTIBLE to ONE PERSON. This along with poor body images for girls are sold, wholesale, to us from the time we are children.

More than to lure people into his web, the narcissist's mask also conceals the false self from scrutiny. Concealment requires secrecy, evasion, dishonesty, and lying.

The main method of concealment used at this stage is "not saying the whole truth" and evasion of questions about his past.

NEED I SAY ANYTHING about THESE quotes???

The N seems to absorb their partner into their intrapsychic world. Some partners find themselves practically mesmerized by the N.

"Ns install a mental filter in our heads a little bit at a time. Before we know it, everything we do, say, or think, goes through this filter. 'Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?' Until we can uninstall the N-filter, our actions are controlled by N to some degree."

"I feel like I have extricated myself from a cult."

This supports my personal theory that many of these abusers use seduction/ sales and NLP techniques to literally MIND CONTROL us. If parented by an abuser, you are primed like the Manchurian Candidate and it makes the healing process even harder.

The N often picks victims who have to keep the relationship secret because, for example, it is an extra-marital relationship. This provides them with a double advantage. They will not have to commit thus they will avoid being controlled in that way, and secondly they will have more power in the relationship. A person having an extra-marital relationship or a relationship with someone who is not available e.g. a catholic priest, is very vulnerable. She cannot speak out about the abuse she is experiencing.

She cannot get advice and an outside perspective on the relationship from her friends and family. She has to look happy and "normal all the time at home causing her great psychological stress .

And her isolation means only the Ns. Influence will prevail.

N's count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that exposing them means exposing our own failings. That's what makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these situations then sit back and watch us squirm between protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle."

Here's where NOT secret keeping is a BIG HUGE step in healing. You face YOUR fears while exposing the abuse. It's a HUGE step in establishing boundaries, getting past the fear. And btw, you may be doing the abuser a favor in long run.....maybe. J DEFINITELY did this to me and the OTHER other woman as well as the hookers (removing his posts and telling everyone they were PLANTED!!) Words are easy, reality isn't. Embracing reality will help heal you. It may mean facing fear but there is no reason you should continue to be MENTALLY tortured by the verbal & emotional 'sleeper bombs' abusers plant in your mind & soul. Tell Tell Tell.

His affairs may be secret and he will deny their existence very convincingly but he'll make sure you find out about them.

This is part of their sexual sadism. No matter how much you think they tried to cover it up, part of them WANTS you to find out. Its a way for them to repeat the original pain, for you to dump them so they have something to cry about; "she didn't understand me" and thereby gain new victims. It also hurts you - which thrills them to no end because in their mind "how DARE you care about them?"

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From Barbara's Blog The Abuse Sancturary

Barbara--this is HUGE--what an incredible insight and YES, I will publish as stated--you always get credit even when anonymous!!! You are a big part of the process of recovery for all of us. A note here: I wanted to say that I just got a minor "light bulb" moment, myself. I still sometimes miss my ex even though he was angry, critical, no fun, didn't speak for days on end--I could never please him and I walked on eggshells all the time--I kept asking myself what the hell I was missing? It is so weird to know all his defects--to know how badly I wanted out, and still miss him after the divorce! I finally got this part of it--as a co-dependent I am always trying to fix people--earn their love, gain their respect--with my ex, my co-dependency kicks in and wants him to "wake-up" and realize he loves me and ask to come back. I don't miss him really, it is that small part of me that still wants him to love me,,,,, Wow--my codependency misses him and wants to finally get him to love me and that's what's going on...I want to laugh at myself and I'm so relieved to find this out.