Symptoms of Parnter and Domestic Abuse

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Symptoms of Abuse	SpotLight
Here we have our list of the symptms of aubse. Following our list are some comments by readers and how abuse affets them in their lives. Following our reader's comments we have additional lists found elsewhere onthe net if you want to explore other people's views on what abuse is and how it affects us. Click to go to our list: Symptoms of Abuse in a Partner Comments about abuse by our readers. Links to Additional lists	The Open Encyclopedia tells us: ...the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the sadism, and the paranoia – do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbors. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over their dysfunction and misbehavior. Just what is emotional abuse? It is the ongoing emotional environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control. It's sort of like a search and destroy mission. In this war, the abuser experiences your self-esteem, your individual self, your energy, your ability to feel and question and want and need and be.... as the enemy. Pamela Brewer MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C

Symptoms of Abuse in a Partner

There are two main categories of domestic or relationship violence. There is physical violence and emotional violence. Emotional violence is usually called domestic abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse. Dr. Sam Vaknin writes about "Ambient Abuse" which is emotional violence at its most subtle level. Often it goes on as an evil undercurrent in a relationship and is next to impossible for the spouse to understand until they are neatly entrapped.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects -- not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other -- is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying. How do You Know of You're Abused?

Emotional violence is not physical but it is a form of violence against the well being, self-esteem, and emotional health of the target. Here are the symptoms of emotional violence in a partner:

Does your partner:

abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
become jealous without reason or make unwarranted accusations?
constantly criticizes or devalues your looks, morals, dreams, faith, close friendships, calling your mother, choice of television, your choice of clothes, politics, ect.
control all finances and force you to account for what you spend or conversely force you to handle the finances then berate you for mishandling it?
crazy-making, like conveniently "forgets" what he demanded last week so that this week you are wrong for doing it --constantly changing the rules so you are always off-balance
deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts, credit cards, or even the car?
destroy personal property or sentimental items?
force you to engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable?
force you to have sex against your will?
have unpredictable outbursts of anger or rage?
humiliate you in front of your children?
insult you or call you derogatory names?
is never much interested in what you think, what your opinions are, your attitudes and beliefs and if you do voice them, they are discounted or ridiculed?
prevent or discourage you from seeing family or friends?
prevent you from going where you want, when you want often with references to duty or 'if you loved me' statements?
prevent you from working or attending school or make you work at something you hate and then accuse you of shierking your duties at home?
shove, push, block your way, or stand over you in a threatening manner?
threaten to hurt you, your children, friends or family?
turn minor incidents into major arguments and then say you started it?
use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
misplace things, forget appointments, forget to pay bills and immediately blame you seldom taking responsiblity for his/her own actions?
uses the family resources on his wants and needs seldom considering yours
withhold conversation, sex, or affection from you? Gives the silent treatment?

Comments added by readers:

From Carol: How about stealing, or better yet, putting jewelry in odd places, and then blaming YOU for putting it there. No, he doesn't steal. I'm the one that's nuts.

From Anonymous: Abusers like quoting and using religious books to justify their abusive behavior. "The Bible says the man is the head of the household," "The Bible says that women are beneath men and you should submit to me", "wives, submit to thine husbands", "God says the male is the authority of the etc etc etc". Don't miss this symptom, it's a big one and was used against me. I was told as a child by my abusive father "God made the male better than the female." I am a girl. He said, "Your brother will always mean more to me than you. This is because God gave him a penis and you don't have one. The female is beneath the male. (If you) don't believe it, you need to read your Bible."

This is from a reader in CT who explains how her partner tries to abuse her.
Is the administrator of the computer and sets his wife's usability level to a "mature teen" so not all web sites can be accessed.(No trust) or goes in to your email and reads it and accuses you of having affairs. Or makes fun of you because you volunteer at your child's school. Calls you a terrible mother and wife. Makes fun of you and says the kids must take after your side of the family. (Uses your maiden name as if it were derogatory). Asks you (at age 44) when you tell him you have cramps-- "aren't you too old to be cycling?".Tells you you're a lesbian because you want to go out with a friend rather than being with him.

From a reader of "MySpace":
You guys think an abuser refusing to share his money is bad?? This guy makes you support him. He told me he would never marry me unless I was able to fully support him. He said I needed to start paying his bills right now in order to show him that I deserved to marry him ... Jerry Parris is his name, be careful on MySpace.

From JD: In my relationship I think what hurts me the most is that I have allowed him to control everything I do or do not do. He has told me where I could work and where I could not. If a man worked there, forget it. I am working in an office all by myself, boring no fun, no one to talk to. And he still questions and accuses me of things, it is sad, but I am reading and learning more about it so that when I do leave I will not go back this time. From JD

From Anonymous in Orange County.
YAHOO PERSONALS HAS THIS AD: "ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS/ ONE OF THE FEW." Orange County, CA. STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN! this guy claims he's a "good guy."

There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest. IED..he threw his cell phone out the window at the person who tried to "run him off the road."

2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure. Listed himself single then told me he was not & had a child with another woman.

3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead - didn't return phone calls consistently or showed up and disappeared on different days.

4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults.

5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others. Slashed someone's tires for parking in his "spot."..instead of calling a tow truck.

6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations. Always said he had no money and was trying to get a new job.

7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another. Never apologized - even when asked for any of this "wrong" behavior.

There is ALOT more to the story...One of the things about abuse that I've realized..someone who's quick to attach has problems!!! When a man/woman comes on VERY strong..sometimes you think you're lucky..you've met the "one" of your dreams..but that's not real..most people that come on strong WANT something from you. That's when you become a "target" because you don't know what the "plan" is. Also, this man sexually caters to women - very hard to resist --that is the BAIT - because he just biding his time with you until he gets what he wants and then he'll be gone!

Any of these things done on a regular basis are considered abuse simply because good and kind people don't treat each other these ways. All of the above are abusive behaviors! They are considered to be emotional violence against the target. Why are you letting anyone treat you badly? If you haven't signed up already, please take our Web-based tutorial and the third chapter will discuss how to stop these behaviors dead in their tracks.

Learn how to take responsibility for not allowing yourself to be mistreated. You are the only one you can change and you are worth it!

Contact Us and Share your Comments and Observations on Abuse

We may be interested in adding your observations on what constitutes abuse. Send us other symtpoms you may have noticed in your partner. We might also want to share your comments or story on this site. send us what you'd like others to know. All correspondence becomes the property of the owners of this site. We do not change the names to protect the guilty, but you may want to, especially if you might be the target of retaliation or you have kids you are protecting. We may also change the names for liability reasons. When you write in, give us a name for you (doesn't have to be your real name), an email address where we can reach you, and your city and state. Emails without a legitimate email return address and the city and state you are contacting us from will be deleted without being read.

Links to Additional lists (some off site but will give you other ideas of abuse--the windows will open in a new frame so you will still be here when you are done.)

Ambient Abuse (by Dr. Sam Vaknin) is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late.

Characteristics in verbally abusive relationships from Dr. Irene's site

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date. Written by Dr. Sam Vaknin This is for men and women who are learning to stop it before it starts. (scroll down as you can see the article whenyou click on the page.)

Scapgoating is another form of abuse and enables the self-righteous discharge of aggression.

The Abuser's Body Language:Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle but discernible warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself and save yourself a lot of trouble!Read Why I Joined a DV Group --lists my husband's abusive behavior (click on 'Abuse is always about Control')

What is Domestic Violence? A Legal Look at it

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