1. It's not your job to keep their secrets
2.
You're only as sick as your secrets
3.
Secrets are dangerous
4.
Have some sympathy for his next target. By telling, at least the new
person goes in with their eyes open
5.
Revenge stimulates the same reward centers of the brain that desserts,
desire, and drugs do. Revenge
is better than using drugs or gaining 10
lbs.
6.
Like smoking, the more people you tell, the harder it will be for you
to go back to the way it was.
7.
Vindication. People will now realize you have good reason to act the
way you do.
8.
If lucky, you might prevent him or her from breeding with anyone.
9.
Role model. Other women (or men) may stop playing victim when they know
what you went through.
10.
Your partner will have a harder time going after you if everyone knows.
Here are some ways
to stop keeping the secrets
Join a Domestic
Violence Group (most are free and are for verbal and emotional
abusive too. You can see how their behavior often escalates to violence
and how if you don't stop it now, things often escalate)
Participate in their
public demonstrations, especially if its in the same town where
you live. (I marched in a
"Take Back The Night" parade for my domestic violence group and gave a
speech explaining how emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical
violence. I had a lot of women shake my hand afterwards because I was
telling their story. They were surprised because my husband seemed so
kind to everyone else.)
Tell the people who
ask the truth without sugar coating or "protecting his job."
(Although I didn't run around volunteering info on why we were
divorcing, when anyone asked, I told them as many facts as interested
them.)
Don't go for a
no-fault if your state allows you to list the reasons. I
was able to file for divorce with cause. Although I eventually settled
for a no-fault for financial reasons, my story is still a matter of
court record and can be cited as such.
Write press releases
for your DV group and use your marriage or partnership as a
concrete example. (Being published like this helps other women know
they are not alone.)
Be honest with your
kids. Depending on their age and circumstance, don't lie to
them. They already know things aren't right. Lying only confuses them.
Tell your counselor.
If your counselor keeps trying to say you are half the problem because
of your behavior, get a counselor who understands verbal/emotional
abuse. You are part of the problem, but its not what you do that
cause's him to treat you badly, its what you allow to happen to you
that perpetuates their nasty and belittling behavior.
Tell your mother, father, and
friends everything! This
actually saved the life of Marcia Ridgeway, the Green River Killer's
2nd wife. He had tried to choke her from behind once. She told everyone,
including her father who talked to Gary about it. Years later,
after his arrest, he told police that he had wanted to kill Marcia, his
wife, but was afraid he would get caught because she told everyone that
he attempted it once. Remember that the next you think you are
"protecting" your mate or marriage by not telling the abuse you suffer.
Keep a detailed diary.
This will help remind you when you forget how bad it is and can help
you see your patterns. You can also later use it when you want to write
a book or if you need evidence in court. Dated journals are court
admissible. (My journal was a god send. When Bob tried to "forget" what
he had done, tell me he didn't say such and such --I would have the date and time that he did!--
My journal kept me from believing his words "you're crazy, it never
happened, you blow it out of proportion, and other crazy-making ways he
tried to turn it around on me.)
Write a book
and publish it. Do your own web site with your story and pictures. Post
all pictures that relate--things he tore up, the car he crashed, all
his toys and you have none--whatever pertains and illustrates your life
together.
List him as an abuser
on the web. This may be only after you have divorced. If you stay in
your relationship, listing you abuser on the net may not be wise. If
you decide to leave you not only get to express yourself in an
emotionally satisfying way, but you may save another woman tremendous
grief if she finds his name on one of these sites.
www.manhaters.com (Rate your guy, search for the names of guys you are dating, it takes $25 for a guy to get his name and rating off this site!)
http://home.earthlink.net/~marshcarr/id38.html Put your abusers initials on the Abusers Wall of Shame.
TheWall
of Shame II: You can put their whole name on this stie!
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Comments
regarding "telling"
In
abusive situations when you tell the
truth--many folks come down you as if you are doing something wrong,
"How could you?" They ask, "make life difficult for him? Embarrass him?
Humiliate him? Risk his job? His reputation?" As if everything that
happened to you is of no consequence and for god sakes protect the abuser!
Secrets are dangerous, for everyone. John Prinn, author of Stolen
Hours, has two very good articles on his web
site regarding secrets and why you should not keep them. He writes,
Keeping
secrets can make us neurotic. Secrets can be so toxic that a person is
driven to self destructive and insane acts. Then come the addictions,
the violence, the lying and alibis ... even suicide.
I
'd suggest reading
Confessions of a
Liberated Secret Keeper
Are Secrets Good or Bad?
so
you don't feel guilty when exposing your partner. Because my personal
opinion is that you are only as sick as your secrets and he is only as
sick as the secrets people keep for him. TELL THE SECRETS starting
today.
Exposing your ex or your current partner is fnecessary, in my opinion,
so
that you both can change. We know that if the abuse problem is kept in
the dark, your partner has no reason to change and you become a part of
the problem rather than the solution.
One of the ways I spoke up was in front of the Virginia State
Legislature regarding the officers that treated me like I had the
problem because I took my husband's guns and hid them. Training for law
enforcement needs a lot of support and encouragement. If we don't tell,
the cops won't even know they need the training. I told them the story
of the Keys verses the 44 Automatic.
Keys verses the 44 Automatic
When I first told my husband I would not live with his sex
addiction and
demanded he get help, Bob was furious. He came up to me after a fight
and slapped a 44 into my hands and told me "ominously" "Hide this," and
stormed out of the house. I was petrified and went to the cops. Was he
tempted to shoot me? Him self? What?
The deputies in Charles City County, VA told me that since he didn't
threaten me directly, they could do nothing, not even take the handgun
or rifles he owned. They thought so little of the incident (me being
the hysterical wife) that they did not even bother to file an incident
report required by law.
I contrasted this to an incident that occurred six months later. My
husband's rage, by then, was so out of control, the stupidest or most
imaginary things made him go ballistic. One night he "imagined" I had
taken his keys--I was by then sleeping in the RV outside the house to
escape all this. He called me at 2am screaming that I had better
return his keys. I hung up and went back to sleep. Twenty minutes later
the police phoned ordering me to give the man his keys. I explained I
didn't have them, but they didn't believe it and said they would do a
full investigation on me in
the morning if I didn't give them back.
Within another 20 minutes, following Bob tearing the house apart in a
frenzy, he found his misplaced keys and took off at 3 am. What is wrong
with this picture? A threat with a gun isn't even noted in the files
and a man's keys are enough for a "full" investigation.
Women HAVE to speak
up and tell the truth about abuse or things will never change.
What the police can do for
you depends in part on what
you tell them or give them, and on what other people are willing or
able to tell them.~DV Survival Kit
More Damaging to the
abuser
"..the verbal harassment also damages the
verbal abuser. Interestingly enough, Catholic teaching views wrong or
evil acts as being even more damaging to the perpetrator than to the
victim because the agent of a bad act is damaging his own moral nature
and character (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1731, on the
effect of our free acts). The victim is not making himself a bad
person--he is suffering as an innocent party, just as Christ did. The
verbal abuser, on the other hand, is making himself into a worse person
every time he launches an attack on another's person, reputation, or
life work. So to draw attention to the problem is a favor to the verbal
abuser. In the language of the Church, drawing his attention to the
problem is an act of mercy."
From Catholic Analysis Blog
They can't heal if
you keep secrets
According to Dr.
Victor Cline who works to heal these men and their devestated
marriages, secrets kill!!! He says:
I talk about the
importance of the wife being a part of the healing
team. It goes faster if both are involved. Both are wounded. Both need
help. However, there is one unchangeable rule: NO SECRETS. I tell them
that secrets "kill you. They take away your power." They create shame
and guilt. And even though there might be some relapses (usually minor)
during treatment, these need to be talked about openly in therapy; they
are wasting their money if these are not disclosed and worked with. I
tell them that most people I know who are kicking the cigarette habit
quit 12 times before they really quit. Anything hidden, the spouse
always sooner or later finds out about it. So right to begin with: no
secrets!
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