1. Find as much as you can to get annoyed about on a daily basis.  Get angry about the annoyances so that you create an atmosphere of hostility in your home. If anyone suggests you need anger management,  be sure to cite all the annoyances that caused this, so they know it’s not your fault.

2. Use the marital resources on what you like to do and brush off or point out the absurdity of your partner’s preferences. If they try to do something for themselves, be sure to accuse them of selfishness and greed. Claim they always focus on money.

3. When you start an argument, make sure that you win it through intimidation and anger. If your partner suggests that you are manufacturing things to get angry about, make sure to accuse them of starting it or claim their behavior is what causes your outbursts. When you’ve made them mad enough to fight back, be sure to declare that they are, in fact, the one with the anger problem.

4. When you criticize, do it often and for every infraction you can think of—like windows up or down, turning lights off and on, how they load the dishwasher, where the thermostat is set, when to use the dryer—and make sure that if they do what you demanded the last time, this time it’s wrong.

5. Make certain your partner cannot easily express their own opinion. If it’s different from yours, let them know you consider this a betrayal.  If your partner questions anything you do,  turn it into a challenge and them into the enemy. This way you have more things to be angry at and you can accuse them of creating the disharmony.

6. Don’t bother to connect with your partner.  Don’t give a damn about where they came from and never ask questions about what they think and feel; it might give you a clue as to what brings them joy. Do talk about yourself, your work, and your ideas. Just make sure you don’t reciprocate.

7. Make sure that if your partner wants to talk about things to improve the marriage that you have other things to do. All hobbies that don’t include them are good (pornography is better).  If you do listen, make sure to keep the TV on and/or roll your eyes letting them know you are playing the “communication” game but don’t intend to do anything about it. Should they suggest a counselor, agree that they need one.

8. Give your partner the cold treatment whenever they stand up for themselves and don’t give in to your demands. Better yet, find something immediately to blame them for so they never feel comfortable. It’s good to occasionally do something really considerate so you keep them off balance and you don’t lose your hostage.

9. When you have done something wrong, don’t admit it. In fact it works best if you twist the facts, ignore them, “forget,” and deny what really was said and done. Then quickly, without addressing the issue, point out something they might have done wrong, or accuse them of thinking of doing something wrong. Apologize once in a while when what you did was really blatant, so you can say  that you are honestly working on the marriage and you never get credit for it.

10. When things get really tough (which happens in all marriages) threaten to divorce them, move into motels, hire attorneys, and make things horrible—then beg forgiveness later and never admit the truth to anyone—lie that it was them that threatened divorce all the time and see how many people you can convince that you married a bitch or a bastard.

"The fact is that it is predominantly men who bring about the conditions that lead to divorce. " Gordon B. Hinkley, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints